Perfume Packaging Defeats Pen, Can Opener And Knives

Film critic Jen Johans can tear movies apart, but even her sharpest barbs were no match for impenetrable DKNY perfume packaging.

She tried wedging the top open with a pen, but no dice. Then moved to a can opener and eventually knives. But the packaging resisted her attacks, she writes in a humorous first-person-plural diatribe:

Fortunately for our limbs, the Johans household is missing an axe as well as a chainsaw. Thus, the bulky container which in its very essence is the polar opposite of Donna Karan’s thin, stretchy denim which hugs my own limbs so well that in my book they go right from “skinny” directly to “sexy jeans” ended up the victor in our Christmas Eve brawl.

Needless to say, I gave up the can in favor of a refund.

What are the greatest lengths you’ve gone to open an un-openable canister?

Product Review: DKNY’s Be Delightful Gift Set vs. The Can Opener [Film Intuition]


Edit Your Comment

  1. rpm773 says:

    Well, that stinks.

  2. leprofie says:

    Ah, the smell of sweat. This actually worked!

  3. GadgetsAlwaysFit says:

    Is it just me or did the exposed lid remind anyone of a paint can? I enjoyed the description of the herculean efforts put forth to get into a can of perfume that, apparently, smells like apples. I wonder if she could have made the perfume in the same amount of time spent trying to break it free from the Earth version of the Phantom Zone. I had always pictured our Phantom Zone being so much larger though.

  4. moore850 says:

    I’ve found a leatherman to make quick work of almost any blister pack, etc. but for metal containers, I have resorted to a hammer and chisel to break a hole in a lid, then wrenching the lid off with a screwdriver in the aformentioned lid hole.

  5. MikeM_inMD says:

    I guess they don’t own a hacksaw.

    My worst case was using a pair of tin snips to cut a plastic encased wire tie-down to free a doll or robot or whatever it was. I never did figure out how they managed to secure it with the twisted part underneath the toy.

  6. DrRonster says:

    DKNY is doing it right for those of us that have extreme allergies to fragrances.
    Those blister packs are simple to open for me. You ever hear of Tin Snips? Takes me seconds to open any of them and I dont worry about hurting myself either.

  7. TheDoctor says:

    I prefer to go after my nemesis, clam shell packaging, with my bare hands like some kind of demi-god. Due to my rage filled feat of strength I feel no pain, but later I usually find tiny scratches that burn like Apollos heart, and it is then that I curse my woman mother!

    • Con Seanne-BZZZZZZZZZZZZ says:

      I’ve done, that, but I usually come away unscathed. Just use the hole on it for the hangers. Pull it apart, then wrestle out whatever goods lie within.

  8. Youkbacca says:

    Back in the day, cassette tapes came with the hard plastic security packaging. I struggled with it mightily, until i broke off the antenna off my boom box. Using the broken end to lift the plastic up high enough to slide the tape out, i worked it back and forth a few times. Then i accidentally put the broken antenna through my finger. After pulling it out, i tied something around my finger to stem the bleeding, and continued to work the cassette out, finally succeding before passing out from blood loss.

    I figure bryan adams owes me something for this

  9. Vanilla5 says:

    Aw, man – that’s unfortunate. I have the red version of this perfume and I think it’s great.

  10. GuyGuidoEyesSteveDaveâ„¢ says:

    Y’all know me. Know how I earn a livin’. I’ll open this can for you, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Bad can. Not like going down the kitchen openin’ soup and pumpkin filling. This package, swallow you whole. Little shakin’, little pen breakin’, an’ down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that’ll bring back your SO, cuz you’ll be smelling all like apples. But it’s not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than a bottle a DKNY, chief. I’ll tell ya how to open it for three, but I’ll open it, and hand it to ya, for ten. But you’ve gotta make up your minds. If you don’t want to stay single, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on Ben&Jerrys and Netflix the whole winter.

    Perfume goes in the bottle, bottle goes in the can. DKNY’s in the can. Our DKNY.

    We’re gonna need a bigger pen!

    • PencilSharp says:

      Will some publishing house please give this man a contract, already?

      Best part is imagining you standing there, tobacco-colored spittle running down the corner of your mouth, as you keep straightening your weather-beaten dirty-green “Skoal” cap while you drawl on and on about the challenge for about… I’m guessing 5 minutes, minimum… before you even touch the thing. The whole time, Johans is watching the residual fleas from your hound dog Tex hopping into her plush white carpet with little cries of delight; they may be singing “Movin’ On Up” and sounding exactly like Roxie Roker. Finally, the beer buzz starts wearing off, and you just know all she’s got is Heineken in the fridge, so you deign to actually touch the can and, summoning all of your primal instinct…

      pull the bottom off the can.

      As she stands there in slack-jawed incredulence, you tip your hat, mutter something about putting the lotion on its skin, and wander out the door looking for a case of Dos Equis.

      Or mebbe some Corona…

    • JulesNoctambule says:

      I needed this! Four hours of sleep and no coffee can, in fact, be helped by a hearty laugh.

  11. rev_matt_y says:

    I have a plethora of woodworking tools at hand, so I’ve yet to run across any packaging that I couldn’t defeat. Though sometimes the contents suffer…

    Dremel is almost always overkill. A good pair of tin snips or wire cutters will take care of pretty much any plastic packaging.

  12. Skipweasel says:

    The original development name was Pandora.

  13. pecan 3.14159265 says:

    I’m guessing she didn’t have a flat head screwdriver? Gives you a better grip than a really sharp knife. I would open it the same way as a paint can. If it didn’t give, I’d give the top a few taps with a hammer.

    Just curious about the packaging aside from the metal top. Is it cardboard? If it’s not metal or really hard plastic, she could have probably punctured the side with a knife or pair of scissors, then cut across. If she wanted to keep the packaging, she was out of luck then.

  14. The Cheat says:

    I really hate it when people can cry about something on their blog but can’t figure out how to use the Macro setting on their camera.

    • GuyGuidoEyesSteveDaveâ„¢ says:

      I have the same feelings about ebay users/sellers. I have found 3 or 4 tripods, in the trash/house clean outs and were free. Tripod+macro mode=clear shots and more $$$$.

      • kaceetheconsumer says:

        Yes, and I’m more inclined when they learn how to use spell check too.

        Maybe I’m a snob but if deciding between several items of similar price and one person has a clean, clear, readable presentation with good photos, I’m more likely to buy there than someone who has sparkly animated graphics, mangled text, and blurry/tiny photos.

        Also: big points for stating shipping amounts/policies clearly, and whether or not the item comes from a smoking/pet home (I actually don’t care about the pet part myself but some do so I appreciate that they’ve taken the time to post the info).

  15. CK says:

    I just bought my sister that exact same perfume set for Christmas. It took us 5 second to open it. The top does not open. The bottom does. The silver bottom pops right off with standard pulling. No special tools or unnecessary force is needed. Oh well.

    • Karen says:

      This is exactly what I was thinking! I was almost defeated by L’Oreal’s hideously overpackaged Definity moisturizer until I turned the dang thing over. (they’ve changed the packaging since.)

  16. davere says:

    I’m guessing that the packaging is the same as this but a different color

    That is the closest thing I could find.

  17. Opie says:

    Maybe it should be called “DKNY Malicious.”

  18. CalicoGal says:

    That blog post is so overwritten, I still have no idea what happened…

    • Starrion says:

      It is remarkable that someone can work so hard to sound smart and stylish that they end up being completely incomprehensible.

      The noise to signal ratio in this article is about 20:1.

      “I recieved a very nice set of perfume from DKNY. However they packaged it in a can that was nearly impossible to open. I broke a pen trying to pry it open, nearly damaged my favorite scissors, and gave up after nearly stabbing myself with a knife. Is this a nice perfume? I don’t know, because I gave up and returned it. No perfume is worth bleeding for.”

      • topcad says:

        Thank you. I got a headache trying to wade through all that superfluous prose. Me not smart enough for movie reviewer blog.

      • raydee wandered off on a tangent and got lost says:

        yes, and gawd the run-on sentences, trying to cram in as many obscure movie/fashion references as possible. I had an easier time in high school trying to wade through un-modernized Chaucer back in High School.

  19. Trance says:

    I had similar issues opening my Pink perfume container. I have been wearing Pink for awhile and usually opening the tube it comes in is not an issue.

    Not this time. I had to use a scissor and a steak knife to pry it open.

    I almost lost a few fingers in the battle! But I prevailed.

  20. Nighthawke says:

    This is why I keep a case of C4 handy…. A thread thin piece running around the package liner, a lil electric spark, POP! Open box!

  21. Schlake says:

    Not quite the same thing, but for years the rule in my house was that you could not open a beer with anything intended to open a beer, nor anything that has ever been used to open a beer previously. Over time it turned into a bizarre scavenger hunt everytime someone wanted a beer. The only thing they were unable to open a beer with was a giant iron sphere, but they tried for quite a while. The most amusing is when they clamped the beer bottle in a vice and very carefully cut the cap off with a hack saw.

    • Orv says:

      That sounds like a great (and hilarious) house rule.

      Necessity is the mother of invention, I guess. I’ve opened beer bottles with channel locks, needle-nose pliers, hotel towel bars, hotel door latch strikers, and the bumper of a U-Haul truck, but never a hacksaw…

    • cash_da_pibble says:

      That sounds like way too much fun. My spouse likes to open them with a wilderness knife- much to the fear of drunken on-lookers.

  22. kurtmac says:

    I came across a Maxell DVD-R spindle that was nearly impossible to open because they, for whatever reason, invented their own spindle cap locking mechanism which is vastly different than the industry standard. So I wrote a similar review explaining my package opening woes on Amazon:

    Apparently, I am not the only person with this problem because the review continues to get replies frustrated would-be package openers and it comes up first in Google when searching “how to open Maxell DVD”.

  23. BeerManMike says:

    Guess she choose the smell of money.

  24. FilmIntuition says:

    Hey There. Whether you dug it or didn’t get it, thank you for reading, commenting and a special thanks to those kind enough to e-mail this morning with similar stories, jokes and/or tips.

    I’m thinking my relatives should’ve gotten me a digital camera instead of “DKNY Malicious” (dig the phrase) since camera phones just don’t cut it on the web!

    And to the wise shoppers who graciously sent me savvy advice, we tried flipping it over but when that didn’t work, we broke out the can opener, cracking jokes the whole way.

    Amazingly, when I returned it, there were several Be Delicious canisters on the counter and the salesgirl just looked at the container for a moment and offered the refund. Camera store next? :)

  25. FrankenPC says:

    Two words: Band saw.

  26. dg says:

    Two words: Thermic Lance.

  27. Daemon Xar says:

    Or thermite. I make my own at home.

  28. Excuse My Ambition Deficit Disorder says:

    Okay, after describing how her stretchy denim jeans look and fit…I can not find one picture of Jen Johans on the internet. As for the perfume…yeah…whatever…

  29. catastrophegirl chooses not to fly says:

    and this is why i keep aviation shears in my kitchen. no trouble opening anything.