The last time Consumer Reports tested tampons was in 1995. Fortunately, Ball Saxbury is here. He bought a variety of tampons and tested them to see which is the least absorbent. Because, who better to test tampons than a man using next to no actual science? Exactly.

The cashier at his local Walmart evidently didn’t understand the importance of his quest.

When I went to check out, my cart contained eight boxes of tampons, a bottle of fruit punch, a bottle of transmission fluid, a can of tomato juice, and hamburger meat. As the woman working the register was scanning in my items, she stared straight down and didn’t make eye contact with me. I asked her to hit the “credit” button for me, and she started laughing nervously.

Well, at least it wasn’t blue fluid.

The entire process starts with the trip to Walmart and incorporates an oxyacetylene torch, taste testing, and, of course, ground beef.

The Tampon Trials: Which Tampon is LEAST Absorbent? [ZUG]

Want more consumer news? Visit our parent organization, Consumer Reports, for the latest on scams, recalls, and other consumer issues.