Karen is breaking up with Ben & Jerry’s because one of their managers defiled “Free Cone Day,” by deciding to cut it short. Here’s the tongue-in-cheek Dear John (or is that, Dear Jerry?) letter she sent them.

Well, Ben and Jerry’s, you ruined my day. I love free cone day and have been going for many years. I once waited in line for over an hour to get a free scoop in Boston on Newbury Street. I was so excited for this particular Free Cone Day, because it’s my first one ever in New York. I sent an e-mail out to all my co-workers to let them know about it, too. I got out of work and raced to 34th street, because this is one of the listed participating store. I flew up the escalator to the 4th floor, busted through all the tacky prom dressed, and almost shouted “HALLELUJAH” when I finally got to the B&J only to be turned away.

“NO MORE FREE CONES,” the frizzy haired girl was yelling.

“WHAT?!”

I instantly grabbed for my blackberry to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. Yes, 34th street is a participating location. Yes, it is free cone day. Yes, I am on the 4th floor of Macys. Yes, I can smell the sweet scent of victory.

But no, I would not be served a free cone. Nelson, the store manager, was telling everyone (there were 20+ people crowded around) that Free Cone Day is over. So, I called the store in Astor Place. They happily answered the phone and verified that Free Cone Day is all day, which I remember, because I
A) did not read ANYWHERE about any time limitations on Free Cone Day or honestly, I would have left work 30 minutes early just to bask in the glow of some Chubby Hubby
B) remember standing in line until almost midnight one year in Boston
C)it was advertised on the signage of the store that today is free cone day

FREE
CONE
DAY

Not free cone until 6pm or free cone until my arm is tired of scooping or free cone until I get a sprained eyelash and no longer want to give you a free cone. It says FREE CONE DAY!

So why, Ben and Jerry’s were you so cruel to me? I have been a loyal customer for years. I have sworn you off for making my thighs too big, only to consume pint after pint at a time after a breakup or when Aunt Flo is coming to town.

Why would you treat me like this?

Ben and Jerry’s, it’s over. For real. Are you happy that you lost a customer for life over a $2.50 scoop of ice cream that is probably $0.05 cogs? Anyway, Hagen Daaz is just as happy to have my money and they deliver what they say they will when they will.

I just hope you truly know how disappointed your customers were. A little girl was literally CRYING because they were being so mean about it. There was no apology. No, “I’m sorry if we misinformed you. However, Free Cone at this location is over”

I felt like I was doing something wrong by wanting to partake in the festivities. You suck, Ben and Jerry’s and I’m going to tell everyone I know what a crappy experience I had. If this is a marketing flaw, then you should fire whatever idiot doesn’t know how to properly convey on the signage and e-mail blasts you give out about Free Cone Day.

Even if this particular Ben and Jerry’s is technically owned by Macys, then you need to tell Macys that they suck too, because they do.

But nobody sucks more than you-you hire people like Nelson to manage stores. He hires rude employees and doesn’t adhere to a customer loyalty program. Honestly, how much would free cone day have cost him?

Let’s talk numbers for a moment-I used to be a Starbucks manager for 7 years and have lived through many “Free (fill in blank here)” day

Even if the average Ben and Jerry’s pulls in $1500 a day, that’s a lost profit of $1500 for that particular day. HOWEVER, if you make new fans who are dying to be faithful for the next 50 years (say they eat an average of 20 pints a year at $4/pint, so for 50 years that one person will spend an average of $4,000 of their ice cream eating life, you make it back and then some.)

Well, I will not make a dent in your profitability, but you definitely threw the monkey wrench in my day. You are cheap, you are mean, and you deliver false advertising, which is actually a CRIME!

Dude, you don’t cut Free Cone Day short. Unless you ran out of cones. In which case you should be nicer about it. And next time, get more cones. You’re in the freakin’ Macy’s flagship, and it’s Free Cone Day. Stock up.

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