Continuing her adventures in service journalism, Violent Acres has an acerbic roundup of 10 tips on how to poop the pounds, entitled, “How Not To Be a Fat Fuck.” A selection:

3. Cut the cable
Fact: TV makes you fat. It slows down your metabolism.
4. Put the entire family on the same program
You can’t rail celery powder if everyone is drinking ice cream.
5. Don’t join a gym more than 5 miles away or one who makes you sign a contract
We just joined a gym on a month to month contract. It’s two blocks away. We’ve gone every other day for the past week. We like the Cybex.
10. Brainwash yourself
Success in life depends on your ability to manufacture justifications that help trick yourself into doing what is right. See: 43 Folders.

— BEN POPKEN

How Not To Be a Fat Fuck [Violent Acres]
Bonus Link: What Does 200 Calories Look Like? [via Dethroner]

Want more consumer news? Visit our parent organization, Consumer Reports, for the latest on scams, recalls, and other consumer issues.