Chocolate’s miraculous medicinal properties continue to justify the sweet cocoa bean’s direct correlation with depression and suicide: although it may extend the cellulite rotundity of your posterior, at least chocolate won’t put squirting pimples on your fat ass. Or at least Borba’s new “Chocolate Clarifying Bar” won’t.

Part of their line of “ingestible skin care” products, the chocolate bar contains Borba’s “Skin balance Clarifying Aqua-Less Crystalline Powder.” In addition to being Spanish and not containing any water, this powder sucks up all the oils bubbling beneath the surface of your Garbage-Pail-Kid-like crater face, leaving your face white, smooth and sylph-like.

Of course, at 8 bucks a 1.79oz bar (priced at the same per ounce cost of heroin), the people who really need such a product — the pimply and impoverished — will not be able to afford it. This is one of those social welfare paradoxes that has puzzled our nation’s greatest minds: how are the poor supposed to get better jobs if they are too poor to treat their own debilitating ugliness?

Borba Clarifying Chocolate Bar [Nordstrom]

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