How Not To Use A Trampoline

Years ago, when I was a daredevil lad, I once used a pair of pogo stilts to jump off of the roof of my house and onto my backyard trampoline. It seemed like a great idea at the time. For a brief moment, I was Icarus, soaring godlike into the stratosphere. The next thing I know, the nose cone of an oncoming Logan-bound Airbus had exploded into my crotch. As I plummeted a truly terrifying distance back down to the earth, I realized that my options were not really very good: either I fell, allowing the impact with the black asphalt below to trigger the nasal expulsion of my own gelatinated pelvis, or I braced with the pogo sticks and risked jumping even higher. Possibly directly into the sun.

The moral? Kids are idiots. But as I spent the following weeks and months in traction, I never once blamed the trampoline — rather, the cruel laws of physics implied by a malevolent God that were all so alien to the theory of gravity I had learned from Professor Wile E. Coyote at my Television Atheneum.

Nevertheless, some adult fuddy-duddies are now calling for the banning of trampolines for the “crime” of horrifically maiming the nation’s stupid children. The trampoline ban probably isn’t realistic, so they’ve also issued some rules for the safe use of backyard trampolines. “Don’t use pogo stilts on a trampoline” isn’t on there, but it does have this helpful tidbit: “Never place trampolines on concrete or near power lines, trees or any other obstacle that could come into contact with a bouncing child.” Or near cliffs or pits full of shattered glass and honey, for that matter!

Health Experts Step Up Trampoline Warnings [Consumer Affairs]