We think we have a new favorite “go screw” line from a company: We understand that the privacy and security of your information is important to you; therefore we cannot provide a specific reason as to why we cannot fulfill your request. That just punches a steaming hand, Fist of the North Star style, right through the sternum of our old fave, We appreciate your concerns.

What burg does our newchamp hail from? Reader Glines A.http://transuranic.blogspot.com/ discovered him while navigating the wilds of free credit reports. Read about his discovery of consumerism’s next Ivan Drago after the jump!

http://www.annualcreditreport.com is where you start.

If you work in the medieval dungeon of Fed Gov web access, you use Internet Assplower, and not the wholesome Brokeback spittle-in-the-palm kind. So if you’re not ridin’ the F.Fox you’ll have to re-write your address each time you visit.

Oh, also? Each site gives an Extra Option to only have the last four digits of my social security number displayed. Wow, free will in the deterministic hell of administriviana? So if I just skip over it I can have the financial/privacy equivalent of my genitalia spread all over the internet? Awesome, thanks! *seething* Opt*-/in/…*

TransUnion: Yeah [barely glancing at my ID], that looks like you. Report, though? No dice, you’ve already gotten one this year.
Me: [Didn’t get Transunion report] When was that? Tell me when so I can come back one year from that date and get my next one!
TU: Calls TransUnion at normal number.
Me: [Calls both numbers. Dialing maze. Enter SSN, DOB, LGBTBBQ] TU: We’re sorry… cannot be accessed with the info you provided… to receive… you must purchase…
Me: [G. Jetson] UNIBLAB!

Equifax: Please verify your identity. Here are some sample questions which will help us verify your account. [questions which all make sense to me, are past addresses and loans that I recognize.]
Me:

Equifax: Sorry, you last received your report on October 11, 2005. See you next year! [or pay us $5.95.]
Me: ^_^

Experian: Please verify your identity. Here are some sample questions which will help us verify your account [questions about accounts I do not recognize and that I’ve never taken out (auto loan?) Given that there are “none of the above” choices, I figure they’re questions designed to throw off a faker.]
Me:

Experian: We’re sorry. We are unable to process your request online. We understand that the privacy and security of your information is important to you; therefore we cannot provide a specific reason as to why we cannot deliver your report online.
Me: Fuhh the whuh? Does this mean I answered the questions incorrectly, does it mean I’ve answered them correctly but I’ve already received a free credit report in the last year, or does it mean… DOES IT MEAN that someone’s opened accounts you described above in my name but that I have never heard of them before today??
Experian: You may still receive account information, but you’ll have to send us your information by MAIL instead; please photocopy your driver’s license, attach a utility bill, etc…
Me: [fearing the worst] KHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN
(Exeunt.)

Me: Calls Experian (“make sure to log onto Experian.com!”) Recordings prompt me to type in my SSN DOB BBQ & numeric portion of my address; then I get a confirm code, then I am told I’ll receive my report in ten business days, then I’m hung up on.

Yeah, I have COMPLETE confidence in these companies.

Us too, Glines! We appreciate your concerns. Thanks for writing in!

Would you like us to appreciate your concerns? Write us at tips@consumerist.com.

Check out more at Glines’s blog, Transuranic.

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