We Take the IKEA Catalogue to the Bathroom and Lock the Door

The new IKEA catalogue is here. Oooh. Touch it. Glossy. Slidey. Smells like snow.

Where are the people? Where the hot Swedes? All we see is furniture. Now we can’t understand how we would interact with these products.

INEZ, KNOPP, HAKADAL, ASPELUND, LILEHARM. Are we buying screw-together home durables or history’s failed anarchists?

Both models have infinite heat-setting controls.” We have difficulty comprehending the notion of infinite heat, much less the prospect of buying and controling it for only $499.

Cups, glasses, spices, canned food–everything will be easier to see and reach.” Kinky.
The solid birch countertops are oiled.” Oh baby, behave thyself.
Nickel-plated, clear lacquered steel legs.” —OH V

We’ve seen more pictures with cats in them than ones with people. Can we get these cats at IKEA? Do we need to feed them special Swedish meatballs? Are they assembled together with a few simple screws?

Every few pages we flipped, an image of Tyler Durden flickered briefly in the bottom right-hand corner…