What If Blackberry Customer Service Ran Other Things?

Alex uses a Blackberry Bold, and isn’t very happy with Blackberry right now. He was just minding his own business when the phone decided to over-the-air update itself, the update failed, and his phone just went ahead and wiped itself. When he called to complain, he says Blackberry virtually shrugged and told him that he should have uninstalled the app that caused the update problems. Even though it was an app that shipped with the phone. Alex wondered: what if other businesses ran things the same way?

Here’s his account of his phone call with Blackberry.

BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: Sir, I understand you’re upset, but if your phone dies during an update, it gets wiped. That happens sometimes.

ME: I didn’t know there would be an update.

BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: We send the update to your phone automatically. You just have to be prepared for it. It’s that time of year, so you should know that and make sure your phone doesn’t die.

ME: It didn’t really die. It stalled. It couldn’t process backing up the ‘Social Feeds’ app and then it shut down.

BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: Oh, you should’ve uninstalled that app.

ME: It came with the phone.

BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: I know, it’s bundled with Blackberry Bold but it’s buggy and I’d uninstall it if I were you. Didn’t you have your information backed up?

ME: I did, but the update service was the one that also came with my phone. My phone wiped and then updated the wiped version of my contact book.

BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: That happens sometime. Pretty bad luck. You should’ve had it backed up with a different service. Besides ours.

ME: I can’t believe—Jesus. Hey, I have to go, but can I call you back?

BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: The first service call is free, but we’ll probably have to charge you when you call back

ME: You’re screwing with me right? Aren’t you the customer service rep? And isn’t this is the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to do? Is the—

BLACKBERRY CUSTOMER SERVICE: Sir, you’re being rude, and I can’t help you. Is there anything else?

In the end, Alex says that Verizon was able to help him a lot more than Blackberry did, so there was a happy ending. But, he wondered: what if Blackberry customer service managed other things? Like a restaurant?

WAITER BLACKBERRY: Here’s your soup.

CUSTOMER: I didn’t order soup. I’m not in a restaurant. I’m just walking on the street.

WAITER BLACKBERRY: It’s the time of year to eat soup. You will eat it and like it.

CUSTOMER: No.

WAITER BLACKBERRY: Take the soup.

CUSTOMER: I can’t. I’m holding my child. My hands are full.

WAITER BLACKBERRY: I’m going to pour this scalding soup on your child so you have room to hold the soup.

CUSTOMER: That makes no sen— Wait. Fine, give me some soup.

Customer takes some soup.

WAITER BLACKBERRY: How does it taste?

CUSTOMER: This is awful. I think I’m goin—

Customer vomits onto the ground.

WAITER BLACKBERRY: It’s got an expectorant called ipecac in it. It makes you vomit.

CUSTOMER: BLEARGH! Why?!

WAITER BLACKBERRY: It’s a service, in case you have a contaminant in your system. I might’ve just saved your life

CUSTOMER: I don’t have a contaminant in my BLEARGH! system.

WAITER BLACKBERRY: Well, not anymore.

Customer continues to vomit. His child watches, horrified.

CUSTOMER: Why would you do this to me? Can you make it stop?

WAITER BLACKBERRY: There might be an antidote. I’ll tell you if you pay.

CUSTOMER: I can’t stop vomiting. This is just awful.

WAITER BLACKBERRY: You shouldn’t go around insulting peoples’ cooking. If you didn’t like it then you should’ve gone to a different restaurant.

On his blog, he also imagines how this transaction would go if Blackberry were a doctor or an exterminator. Spoiler alert: it includes a surprise colonoscopy.

If Blackberry Logic Was the Only Logic [Alex Edelman]