Woman’s Day has rounded up some of the more silly of the fine-print warnings appearing on products. You know, those one’s like on the kid’s Batman cape where it says, “Warning: Cape does not enable wearer to fly.” I think my favorites are the “Terrestrial Digital Outdoor Antenna which warns “Do not attempt to install if drunk, pregnant, or both.” And of course there’s the iPod shuffles’, “Do not eat iPod shuffle.” Gotta love lawyers.
11 Funny Fine-Print Warnings [Woman's Day]
More From Consumerist
-
Buy Lengthy Legal Document, Get Free Space Heater
-
Supreme Court Agrees: Cigarette Warning Labels Don’t Violate Big Tobacco’s Free Speech
-
How I Took On Johnson & Johnson In Small Claims Court, And Won
-
Kids’ Dressers Recalled Following Deaths Of 3 Toddlers
-
Where’s The Beef From?: U.S. Regulators To Propose New Meat Label Requirements
Pfffft. As if Batman could EVER fly.
Labels like that for kids isn’t such a bad idea.
Lessons in gravity are probably more useful in the long term, though.
Does the fact that a SUPERMAN costume is pictured change anything?
Does the fact that Ben’s write up about the WD article specifically mentions Batman change anything?
Does the fact that a SUPERMAN costume is pictured change anything?
But he can breathe in space.
“Xena can’t fly.”
“I’m not Xena.”
warning or no warning, I would TOTALLY iron my clothes while I was wearing them if I were coordinated enough to do so. It would save SO much time!
We did that a few times when I was in College. Didn’t seem that dangerous
My first apartment had iron marks all over the hallway floor. I often wondered what kind of problem they encountered and why they encountered it so much.
It really does. For something like pleats, it’s better to do them on a board or whatever, but getting the wrinkles out or especially getting the button lines to lay right, you can’t beat doing it while wearing them.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Ah, the Happy Fun ball disclaimer…it will forever be the king of all warning labels!
This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool. process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registeredtrademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat. Don’t quote me on that. Don’t quote me on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this article freely but you may not make a profit from it. Terms are subject to change without notice. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. This article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Caveat emptor. Article is provided “as is” without any warranties. Reader assumes full responsibility. An equal opportunity article. No shoes, no shirt, no articles. quantities are limited while supplies last. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Read at your own risk. Parental advisory – explicit lyrics. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. Keep away from sunlight. Keep away from pets and small children. Limit one-per-family please. No money down. No purchase necessary. You need not be present to win. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Instructions are included. Action figures sold separately. No preservatives added. Slippery when wet. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken. Call before you dig. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Read only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place near a flammable or magnetic source. Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician. Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Caution: Happy FUn Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which if exposed due to rupture should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Discontinute use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: Itching, Vertigo, Dizziness, Tingling in extremities, Loss of balance or coordination, Slurred speech, Temporary blindness, Profuse Sweating, or Heart palpitations. If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and it’s parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. May cause any of the aforementioned effects and/or death. Articles are ribbed for your pleasure. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Offer valid only at participating sites. Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Must be 18 to read. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB’s, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.).
Other restrictions may apply
You missed riots and/or uprisings. That’s in my home owner’s insurance policy.
No list is complete without “THE FOLLOWING PRODUCTS CONTAIN CHEMICALS OR MATERIALS THAT ARE KNOWN TO THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA TO CAUSE REPRODUCTIVE TOXICITY, REPRODUCTIVE DEFECT OR CANCER.”
It says that on our Christmas Tree. The damn thing gives me a rash every year when I put it up. I think its the flame retardant.
Holy wall of text, unable-to-fly-Batman!
Do not copy or paste Happy Fun Ball. Happy Fun Ball cannot be cut (exept when using Pause/Break). Happy Fun Ball cannot be Ctrl’d or Alt’d. Use of the “window’s key” may cause Happy Fun Ball to become Deadly Blue Ball. If this happens, please ask a penguin what to do.
If only George Carlin were still alive today…
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
You took the words right out of my head.
The second article that’s made me think of Happy Fun Ball today!
this is because of lawyers…the title should read “List of ridiculous warning labels thanks to liars, i mean lawyers”.
Except case after case in the US has been thrown out when someone brings a suit for a product not having obvious warning labels. For example: a golf club not warning users not to hit one another with it, or no warning on a mint-toothpick warning people away from letting their children play with them.
the lawyer says “i think we have a case”
The reasonable person says “you must have shit for brains for thinking the wine bottle was going to fit in there!”
And the medical person puts the resulting x-rays on the internet. Good times.
But enough cases are not thrown out even when consumers do idiotic things, and that costs money (either in litigation or settlement). So yes, lawyers have to cover all the bases of idiocy by consumers.
Actually, a lot of those that do make into the system are legit and the media spins them out of control. Look into the reality behind the McDonald’s coffee case, read the judicial summary and the real details of the case outside of the media spin.
Well, the lawyers are usually representing idiots who manage to win cases or get sweet settlements because there wasn’t a specific warning not to do something dumb. Lawyers for the companies then try to cover all their bases to avoid such things in the future. It is the circle of product liability suits and it moves us all.
No, it’s because of stupid people that have actually done these things with these products.
Lawyers? I can promise that each label was the result of some moron attempting to do exactly what is stated in the warning.
And then the moron sued.
And won.
People say this all the time, but it is not true.
First, the ‘litigation epidemic’ is a myth largely perpetuated by insurance companies. It is actually pretty rare for someone to collect big damage awards for product liability without very good reason.
Second, I have been present for a number of product labeling decisions, and a lot of the warning labels that show up on products are simply the result of a bunch of middle managers sitting around trying to predict what warnings they’ll need. And every single time, there’s at least one person perpetuating the litigation crisis myth and claiming that all existing warnings are the result of ridiculous lawsuits that stupid consumers won.
It’s a vicious cycle of hysteria and misinformation.
I find it hard to believe a moron could get a case far enough that it has to be thrown out without the help of a shitbag lawyer (sorry for the redundancy and my apologies to shitbags).
What case would that be?
In my experience, most of the stories that people pass around about frivolous lawsuits turn out to be gross misunderstandings or outright lies.
Sure, some silly lawsuits get filed, some are even won, and there are lawyers who represent clients with silly claims; but it’s far from the norm.
99% of cases…whether you deem it frivolous or not, needs an attorney. Attorneys are whores and a scourge on civilization.
Well, we could go back to the time before the protestants came up with the idea of using courts for civil disputes and try settling all our differences with violence: Just like old times!
Fun fact: Protestant colonists in the Americas sued each other for ridiculous reasons. They’re only the American forbears. Other parts of the world saw similar “frivolity”. Arab and Islamic oral and written accounts show that judges would adjudicate extremely petty disputes. All of this for the same reason: The alternative is, and always has been violence and vendettas.
I got to watch a man get arrested in a Pizza Hut in my neighborhood because he overreacted to his son slipping on a wet floor in the restroom. He attacked one of the staff. The whole time I was wondering why he didn’t just threaten a lawsuit to get his anger across, or better yet, actually sue. The few cases of silliness we endure is a small price to pay for a civil society.
Oh, well, if you say it TWICE, that’s all the substantiation anyone needs.
Actually, I’ve used my Dremel tool on my teeth a couple of times. I had a high spot on a crown, and my dentist was out of the country for a couple of weeks. The Dremel did the job.
I was worried that I might grind too much off, so used some super-fine (800 grit?) sandpaper, instead. Dentist didn’t even notice during my next visit.
I was worried that I might grind too much off, so used some super-fine (800 grit?) sandpaper, instead. Dentist didn’t even notice during my next visit.
Midol: Do not take if you have an enlarged prostate.
The hairdryer warning “Do not use while sleeping” obviously didn’t see last week’s episode of My Strange Addiction
Or they did see it, and hence the warning.
You read my mind!
The cheese whiz warning is confusing – is there a method of use with the cap ON?
Yes, someone should at least provide instructions for taking the cap off because any idiot trying to use it with the cap on would need them.
It said ‘For best results’. I guess not eating the Cheese Whiz counts as a result, just not the ‘best’ one.
I don’t know; that result seems pretty good to me!
That’s not cheese whiz, that’s easy cheese. Same mistake the guy in the Blues Brothers makes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXwvL7n7NCQ
The one about the supervisor actually makes sense. I could see myself climbing into a hot car in the summer and immediately starting up the car for the AC. You’d want to remove the visor before even starting the engine in case your car starts rolling or you accidentally hit the gas while pulling down the shade.
Yeah, if you’ve ever lived in the desert you know that cars are basically solar ovens. I’ve seen people use them to create shade in the rear window (which is akin to many other situations where the window is occluded) People also lay them flat on the dash for the first few minutes of a drive too. Which isn’t a good idea because of reflection and partial obstruction, but is understandable considering the oppressive heat and typically low traffic situations people encounter when they start up a car. It doesn’t exactly scream, “dumbass.” But you’d be calling yourself one if you got caught in a fender bender because of it.
Risk of fire? Thats not really a warning, thats a feature.
No kidding, I would be very concerned if it was not able to catch fire!
I was watching one of the episodes of the TV show “Lockup Raw”, about the lives of people in prison.
They followed one particular prisoner who was paroled into a halfway house, where he was provided with a bed, locker, clothes and some food items – one of which was a can of Kraft “Easy Cheese”.
The poor guy had been in prison so long that he had never seen anything like it before and had trouble figuring out what it was, what he was supposed to do with it, and finally – how to get the cheese whiz out of the can.
Realizing there was a cap, which had to be removed, was a major step in the process for the poor guy. You kind of felt sad for him in a way because we really wanted to follow the program and learn how to re-connect with society.
Yet he had a major fail moment, all because of the cap on a can of Kraft “Easy Cheese”.
That’s actually making me feel a little sad for some reason.
Because you have a soul? Unlike the people who actually run the prison system in this country from the fund-raising parties and office buildings far away from them.
My Father had a small business that manufactured tow ropes for farm use. They were to be used to pull stuck farm vehicles out of the mud. He had warning labels, the sort of generic, do not use for unintended purpose kind of thing (can’t remember the quote.) A man in the upper midwest thought it was a good idea to use one to pull a large old stump out of the ground. It did pull the stump out of the ground, and it flew into the man hurting him. He sued my Father. Keep in mind, the rope did not break, but it pulled the stump out of the ground, just what the man wanted it to do, but not what it was designed to do. The jury awarded him several hundred thousand dollars because there was no explicit warning not to remove stumps with the tow rope.
If I manufactured anything, I woild have the world’s longest warning lable saying do not eat, staple, spindle, fold, mutilate, levitate, masturbate, bathe, cook, sleep with, bake, broil, etc that you could imagine.
There needs to be torte reform.
Why do you want to reform tasty yummy cakes?
Now tort reform, on the other hand, is something I can get behind.
“There needs to be torte reform.”
Agreed, we need to fix these damn cakes once and for all.
Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Saw that and laughed out loud. But I agree with you. Once I can stop giggling.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torte
New warning label: Do not talk about tort reform while hungry, or torte reform may result. (This wouldn’t happen if I could use Firefox at work!)
Sounds like my ex brother in law. Normally a very intelligent individual. He used a 100 foot length of stretchy 3/4 inch nylon rope to pull an old rose bush up. After he had driven 150 feet, he stopped and leaned out the window to see why the bush hadn’t moved. That probably saved his life as the bush passed through where his head had been a second before – on its way through the front windshield after passing through the back window. Luckily he decided not to sue, he had borrowed the rope from me.
Do not use lawn mower as a hedge trimmer.
http://www.snopes.com/legal/trimmer.asp
And yet we have…
http://thereifixedit.failblog.org/2010/09/20/white-trash-repairs-hedge-mower/
Do not install during lightning storm….
After doing a tour of duty in the emergency room, I think all light bulbs and beer bottles should come with the warning do not insert into rectum……there are others but those were the major offenders..
This is due to the intersection of two trends: the rise in frivolous lawsuits, and the decline in personal responsibility.
The Dremel warning is not very stupid at all. Pet Groomers use the Dremel for nail buffing, and some of us also use the Dremel to remove dead skin from the bottom of human feet. They sell an overpriced Dremel that is marketed to groomers, but is really no different than the one you buy at a hardware store, just more costly because it is ‘specialized.’ They know we’ll be using the Dremel for those applications, if they want to distance themselves from any tragedies that occur from such use, so be it.
actually my podiatrist used a dremel on me on my first visit to their office for a problematic toenail. i wasn’t too surprised, dremels ARE multi tools!
and i use dental burrs with my dremel to carve things anyway. the bits are interchangeable
Those are awesome antennas; got the one double that size, wish I had the one four times.
The “do not eat” warnings on suppositories of all kinds are always fun.
About using the hair dryer while sleeping:
This isn’t a dumb warning at all. No one is going to try to dry his/her hair while sleeping, although I have seen someone put the hair dryer under the blanket, turn it on to keep warm, and go back to sleep.
Yes, it is a dumb warning. The person you saw doing that? An idiot. Sadly, they exist.
Actually I thought that not only was no one dumb enough to do it, it was impossible (except for maybe sleepwalkers). But your comment made me a bit sad because I realized that it’s entirely possible for people who lose their heat in the winter be desperate enough to do that.
Do not use on unexplained calf pain.
OK–I cannot resist
How can the calf explain its pain?
(per Skip Williams, The devil made me do it)
moo?
Love the warning on teh Supeman costume. You still can’t fly beeach!!!
WARNING: Reading this comment removes all liability that this comment makes sense.
WARNING: Food will be hot after microwaving.
There could be a page of “do not eat” alone!
I remember being about 8 years old and asking why batteries said “do not eat” on them. I think my quote was “aren’t you only supposed to eat food?”
Every last one of the labels shown is needed because some people are just that stupid and we all know it.
Actual Warning:
Caution: Contents under pressure. Keep away from face and small children.
There’s the always classic “Keep Dry.”
http://bit.ly/gzYmIw
Once I opened a bag of ties and the instruction said: “Wear them starting from you feet.”
Thank you for the warning.
I have tried to wear them on my head, but the cops kept looking at me funny.
That makes even less since then the “warning”. How does one wear a tie, starting at the feet? A tie goes around the neck. Then…down.
I think it was supposed to be “Tights.” Only thing I can think that makes sense.
Wow.
Phonetic typing should be illegal.
My brother-in-law’s log splitter bears the warning: “Do not place head between blade and strike plate.”
I’m pretty sure the Apple one was an intentional joke made by Apple regarding how small the Shuffle was..
I’ve also got a hunch the antenna one is also meant to be humorous.
or they watched this
http://blogs.suntimes.com/shinyobjects/2009/04/people-eat-apple-products-up-but-can-you-swallow-an-ipod-shuffle.html
When I bought a lamp, the warning stated it should not be placed on a rickety table because it might fall over and break.
Just because a person doesn’t have common sense, doesn’t mean they don’t have a lawyer.
Haha@ Easy Cheese “for best results, remove cap.” I disagree.
the hair dryer one probably stems from bonnet style hairdryers
http://www.etsy.com/listing/35234671/bright-blue-lady-schick-vintage-hair
i’ve read some old books that included use of these while sleeping. still probably a bad idea what with the lack of automatic shut off
Not that warning labels will prevent a lawsuit. McDonalds coffee cups say “Este Caliente” yet people still sue when they spill hot coffee on themselves. Duh and/or Hello!
Husband and I bought a set of Velcro restraints at an adult store and the back of the package said “Do not use while driving or operating heavy machinery.”
I got a ceramic-bladed paring knife for Christmas. It came with a warning that the user should wear heavy gloves and safety goggles. To peel an orange. My grandma got the same knife, and she was so freaked out by the label she won’t use it.
It should be perfectly obvious why all of these warnings exist. Because somewhere, someone has done that. Otherwise there would not be a need to warn people not to do it.
Preperation H: For external use only
This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool. process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registeredtrademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat. Don’t quote me on that. Don’t quote me on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this article freely but you may not make a profit from it. Terms are subject to change without notice. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. Timothy Campbell sucks gerbil cocks. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. This article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Caveat emptor. Article is provided “as is” without any warranties. Reader assumes full responsibility. An equal opportunity article. No shoes, no shirt, no articles. quantities are limited while supplies last. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Read at your own risk. Parental advisory – explicit lyrics. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. Keep away from sunlight. Keep away from pets and small children. Limit one-per-family please. No money down. No purchase necessary. You need not be present to win. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Instructions are included. Action figures sold separately. No preservatives added. Slippery when wet. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken. Call before you dig. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Read only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. My real name is not Etaoin Shrdlu. Do not place near a flammable or magnetic source. Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician. Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Caution: Happy FUn Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Lamie is a criminal. Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which if exposed due to rupture should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. In my “biography”, the only thing that is true is the rum-running aunt; she died 10 years ago at 104. Discontinute use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: Itching, Vertigo, Dizziness, Tingling in extremities, Loss of balance or coordination, Slurred speech, Temporary blindness, Profuse Sweating, or Heart palpitations. If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and it’s parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. May cause any of the aforementioned effects and/or death. Articles are ribbed for your pleasure. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Offer valid only at participating sites. Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Must be 18 to read. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB’s, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.).
Other restrictions may apply. This supersedes all previous notices.
My favorite is the label embedded on the gas tank of many motorcycles and ATVs:
“Do not operate under the influence of alcohol or drugs”
How many people who are either shit-faced or stoned are going to bother reading this advice, let alone heeding it?
I spotted my all-time favorite many years ago at a Toys-R-Us store. It was a large box containing one of those indoor playsets: a 2′ slide, some large plastic cubes, and so on. The photo on the box showed the assembled playset with kids playing on it. Underneath the photo was the typical small white fine-print warning box with the words: “Set does not include children.” I’m sure someone at the company chuckled for days about putting that on.
there was a woman featured on ‘My Strange Addiction” that did in fact sleep with her hair dryer on.
Found on package of generic disposable diapers several years ago:
“Disposable diapers are flammable. Keep baby away from open flame”.
Found on package of generic disposable diapers several years ago:
“Disposable diapers are flammable. Keep baby away from open flame”.
I think my favorite was on an old digital camera. It was something like “do not put heavy objects on this camera as they may fall over and hurt someone”.
1. Who would do this with an expensive camera?
2. If this warning needs to be on a camera, shouldn’t it be on almost everything else, from soda cans to books to celery?
This is my favorite…
Years ago (maybe 8-10) I bought a curling iron. You could click a button on the handle & the barrel would split into 2 parts so you could use it as a straightening iron as well.
The warnings came in a large pamphlet, numbered so as not to confuse anyone. #6 was “DO NOT DROP OR INSERT INTO ANY HOLE OR OPENING.”
Classic.