Kill Off Your Online Identities With The Web 2.0 Suicide Machine

Supposedly the most depressing day of the year is just a few weeks away, and that sucks. But if you off yourself, you can’t drink, so it’s a conundrum. What you can do is use the website suicidemachine.org to remove yourself from unnecessary social media sites that either you’ve stopped using or don’t really enjoy anymore.

The metaphor is morbid, but the free service that Web 2.0 Suicide Machine offers is actually pretty cool:

This machine lets you delete all your energy sucking social-networking profiles, kill your fake virtual friends, and completely do away with your Web2.0 alterego. The machine is just a metaphor for the website which moddr_ is hosting; the belly of the beast where the web2.0 suicide scripts are maintained. Our services currently runs with Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and LinkedIn!

You could do it yourself, but the point of the service is to automate as much of the process as possible, so you’re not wasting valuable hours clicking through pages and hitting delete buttons.

And just to be completely clear, we’re only talking killing off unwanted social media profiles here. If you’re truly feeling depressed and iffy on the whole being alive thing, call this number first to talk anonymously with someone and get a second opinion: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). (See? I can take the subject seriously, too.)

SuicideMachine.org via Very Short List

Comments

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  1. Maous says:

    This is a pretty neat idea, although I can see it going terribly wrong if someone does it in a spur-of-the-moment type thing, without notifying anyone they know in reality from the social networks. I know once a few years back I nuked my profiles with no warning, and I had frantic calls from friends who were worried I had seriously killed myself. Eep.

    But after that chaos, the lack of social networking drama was… oddly pleasant. I’d advise kicking the social networking to anyone who’s beginning to crack under day-to-day stress, but do a bit of thinking first and for any long-distance friends you truly do care about, find their phone number or something. Going cold turkey can burn a few bridges you will regret later.

    • RandomHookup says:

      What do you say to someone in inquiring if that person is, in fact, dead?

      • Copper says:

        Assuming you actually answer the phone:
        “Hey, RandomHookup, oh good, you’re alive. Just checking.”

        If they get your machine:
        “Um, I saw that you deleted all of your social stalking profiles and I just wanted to make sure you weren’t actually dead. Please call me back ASAP so I can stop worrying. And if you don’t call me back by tomorrow, I’m going to assume you are dead and start your funeral arrangements. Take care.”

    • RickN says:

      What an odd conclusion to leap to: “Maous is no longer on Facebook; I wonder if he killed himself. And I bet he did it seriously, too.”

  2. speedwell (propagandist and secular snarkist) says:

    Never joined in the first place. Does that mean I don’t, actually, exist? Yet?

  3. blogger X says:

    I tried deleting my Myspace that I haven’t used since March and it said all machines are currently busy!

  4. raydee wandered off on a tangent and got lost says:

    oh man, I can just imagine that site getting bogged down like whoa. But it’s an interesting option for the future; I wonder if they’ll bring it to Livejournal. :whee:

    • pecan 3.14159265 says:

      If they do, everyone rushing to get rid of the flashy sparkly blogs from their teenage emo years will pretty much kill off LiveJournal and Xanga.

    • theblackdog says:

      I just downloaded my entries from LJ, set them all to private, and then deleted most of my profile info. The only reason I keep the account alive is so no one can swipe my username

  5. the atomic bombshell says:

    I tried to kill myself off of MySpace at least a year ago, but the email address I used to set it up doesn’t exist, so…I can’t, apparently. I just deleted all of my friends, removed my name and any info, and hid my profile. Close enough. I don’t remember my username anymore to try this…

    • hotdogsunrise says:

      This! Except I couldn’t remember my password either, so I couldn’t go back in to change anything. This was four or five years ago, so I wonder if it’s still there…

  6. jesusofcool says:

    I wish there was a way to delete old blog commenting profiles (including a former comment name on this site).

    • catastrophegirl chooses not to fly says:

      you could try logging in to it and making seriously offensive comments to see if you can get the profile banned
      [only half joking? it might work on some sites.]

  7. bl8675309 says:

    I love the text after It seems like that all of our machines are currently busy! part

    Please consider suicide at a later moment and accept our apologies!

    They’re so thoughtful

  8. Paladin_11 says:

    “Blue Monday” is supposed to be depressing? Whenever I hear it I feel like dancing.

  9. Sorta Kinda Lucky Soul says:

    Just went to the site and there’s a popup box RE their servers are tanking — and I quote:

    “We apologize to all our users for the slowdown of our service! Within the last hours the huge demand for 2.0 suicides completely overblew our bandwidth resources!

    We are currently considering to relocate to another serverfarm. Please consider suicide at a later moment and accept our apologies!

    You can still try to catch a free slot, but chances are quite low at the moment!”

  10. medfordite says:

    Site looks pretty interesting at the moment. I did view their video of how it works, but I wonder just how feasible it is. I guess it is more satisfying to show your accounts sort of self destruct. Watching the video did show though that they changed the twitter user’s account password and not delete it. It nuked all the posts, unfollowed the friends and deleted all followers. Makes me wonder though if they will take all accounts later that they changed passwords on and bring something online en masse later with those accounts. Unless I missed something that showed them deleting the Twitter account.

    I have a Twitter, Facebook, Myspace and Linked in account, but know it is simple enough to go through the account pages and just click on the delete my account button rather than use this system. :)

  11. Yume Ryuu says:

    I think consumerist killed their website…

  12. Geblah187 says:

    Consumerist staff is “taking it seriously” :-O

  13. MrHacks says:

    Why cant sites like Sucide Machine and Sepuk00 be more useful…like not collect my user name and password or delete oneself from message boards like vBulletin, phpBB, and Lithium?