I wish our company had those fancy Bunn makers with the pre-packaged coffee. You are at the mercy of whoever makes the coffee. Some people make it so strong you can't even drink it.

If you want a good laugh, check out the directions on a box of Pop-Tarts.

These people are seriously passive-aggressive, inconsiderate, thick, or all of the above. You know something's wrong with your corporate culture when you have to send out a step-by-step instruction on how to perform a simple task and not be an asshole to other co-workers.

Which is to say, this is a typical American workplace. Comcast, they're just like us!

they totally left out the part about making sure they put caffeinated coffee in the "Regular" pot and the de-caffeinated in the "Decaf" pot.

what good is a policy if it has such blatant omissions as this?!? Rock of Gibraltar my ass.

:)

As someone who doesn't drink coffee (except on special occasion) I might actually get use out of a step-by-step manual like this. A couple of times in the past 20 years I've had to be shown how to brew coffee. I guess it looks like it's written by Bill Lumbergh, but I'd be grateful.

In the words of my buddy Terrible Terry Tate:

"If you kill the joe you make some moe."

Oh, and thank goodness my office has Flavia machines. The quality is less than optimal, but at least I get to pick the flavor and the most work I have to do is replace the bin when it's full.

This really has little to do with corporate culture run amuck. This is what you have to do to pre-empt the assholes who finish the coffee and never start a new pot (or make a mess in the communal microwave and not clean it up, or...) because they claim they don't know how.

I've seen this happen in academia, non-profit, and corporate environments.

@timmus:

same here. don't drink the stuff unless i take a sip of the wife's starbucks.

Comcast must be doing pretty well that they can afford to supply coffee to their employees (with directions no less). An un-named telco provider with the letters tata in their name require their employees(at some locations) to provide coffee and coffee supplies (cups, stirrers, creamer, sugar, etc).

This should really be posted on [www.passiveaggressivenotes.com] I have to say, I'm hated it at my old job when I got to the coffee machine and there was no coffee left. At my current job, we have those pod thingies. While not environmentally kind, at least we're never out of coffee.

Considering the number of asshats that refuse to make coffee when they take the last cup, I applaud Comcast's instruction. I see it as a PR way of dealing with those lazy jerks, who I'm sure have been the subject of numerous complaints.

@descend: Corporate culture = culture of that particular corporation, not Corporate America in general.

In my experience - and this is strictly my experience - I found that in companies that actually care about the culture and employee morale, my employees weren't assholes and went out of their way to help co-workers and clients/customers - the first one in made a pot, the person who finished the pot made the next, and so on. But again, that's my experience and YMMV, of course.

@spinachdip: *eh, my employees = my co-workers

This is why I gave up coffee. Too many times screwing up the coffee maker.

This is proof that I pay too much for my cable and internet.

At least 2 people devoted at least an entire day of work to this. If Comcast has that kind of scratch to throw around on crap like this, their markup is way too high.

Is this really a corporate memo/policy, or is it just something that a pissed off secretary wrote and sent around to her dumbass colleagues who don't respect the break room properly? The latter seems likely--it just happens to be on letterhead.

    We have a coffee pot in my work area, but I never drink any. If I make it (1 heaping tablespoon per two cups), everyone says it's too strong. They like about 2 tablespoons for an entire 12-cup pot. I figure I might as well drink water, and just keep a gigantic movie cup of ice around my whole shift.

    Oh yeah. No half 'n' half at work, either. I like a nice strong New Orleans roast, chicory, and about 1/3 half 'n' half.

What I gathered, from the posts supporting this endeavor by Comcast, is that it exists so someone can wave 'official policy' in the face of asshats who drink the last of the coffee and don't make more.

Does anyone know someone who has been fired for not making the coffee?

Assuming such asshattery is a fraction of the way they live their whole life, shouldn't they catch a person say...hanging up half their calls to make quota or screwing up in other, more obvious and customer impactful ways?

This may seem ridiculous, however, it's unbelievable how stupid people are. I work with a bunch of engineers who can't operate the coffee machine and its one button.

As a management consultant i once wrote a training manual for a restaurant, in which i broke down even the apparently stupidest tasks into step-by-step instructions.

I don't work for Comcast, but that "document" looks like something sent out at a specific office created out of frustration. I work for a company with multiple break rooms and coffee machines, so I can't see how those specific instructions would apply company wide. -- What are the odds that every break room at comcast stores the coffee under the ice machine?

I love that step 5 is press "power" and "brew start", while you aren't instructed to clean the pot until step 6. I hope that this kind of coffee maker knows not to drip when there is no pot there. Otherwise, all their careful policies may go out the window when someone gets burned by the dripping coffee due to pressing brew start the first time it is mentioned instead of waiting until step 7.

We just switched to the filter/coffee combo in my office so no need to get out a filter, cut the coffee bag and dump the grounds, it's all right there. If you're listening Comcast this would combine steps 3 and 4.

Otherwise, all their careful policies may go out the window when someone gets burned by the dripping coffee due to pressing brew start the first time it is mentioned instead of waiting until step 7.

workman's comp!

What's the problem here? I've had a few new jobs and always felt awkward 'making coffee' because you don't want to be the guy who screws the whole thing up.

@SUPERQUEEN23: Step 5 just says to place the filter under those buttons. It doesn't tell you to press them.

This is for the benefit of people like the person in my office that just poured the coffee grinds into the filter basket, sans filter, and proceeded to brew. Some people, if you give them the chance, will fuck anything up.

I did temp work for Comcast in 2003, and we had one of those single cup Keurig coffee makers. No instructions needed.

Can't wait to see the Comcast Suggested* Guide to Urinal Behavior being posted. Hope they get the order right, or there will be MANY a drenched pant-leg.

(Suppose, just to be proactive, for Red States, they should append a Comcast Suggested* Guide to Bathroom Stall Behavior. tap. tap. tappy-tappy-tap.)

* "Suggested" as in, do it or you're fired.

@superqueen23:
definitely sounds like a PO'd secretary threw this together in haste after the straw broke the camel's back. Such logically fallacies pop up in moments of aggravation.

My company has instructions for this too, but they are posted by the coffee machines.
Our coffee is crap and tastes like rust, so I don't drink it.
I had bad stomach aches for months until I stopped. A real head smacking 'duh' moment for me.
Here's the rub - the good coffee only costs a few dollars more per case than the bad, but my fortune 500 company doesn't care and serves us crap.
It's free, so whatever, but if they had GOOD stuff, it would actually have the morale boosting effect it is supposed to have.

Haha, I knew someone would think of Terry Tate. Comcast just needs to hire an Office Linebacker themselves.

@freshyill: Never underestimate the ability of lazy and stupid people to not grasp the simplest of machines. I can't tell you how many times I've had to show people how to use the Keurig machine in our office. How some of them function on a day to day basis is beyond me. I swear, sometimes it seems like people put forth more energy NOT to understand something then they would if they'd actually pay attention and try to learn.

@gibsonic: Oops. Missed that. Good thing I already know how to make coffee :)

Back when we had an ordinary coffee machine and not one of those ginormous cappuccino-vending robots, my company had employees who'd regularly use PAPER TOWELS instead of filters to brew the company coffee. (And I mean the coarse bleached ones you see in public bathrooms, not even the cute soft 'n' patterned paper towels of a home kitchen.)

I guess this explains why the water-jug one began with "When you notice there is no coffee left..." -- a sloppy copy-paste job. I thought it might have been a joke. I guess I gave the passive-aggressive HR managers in this particular Comcast office too much credit.

Umm...when do I add the water? Is this one of those fancy coffee pots that magically add the water when I press Brew Start? Neat! Why can't my office have that?

Ever checked out the instuctions on a package of toothpicks?

Maybe this really IS a sign that the world is going all wrong ...

How about people who don't drink coffee? Do they have to take a quiz to show they've read the manual? Do they have to refill it if they notice it's empty?

Uh, what are coffee "grinds"? "Grounds", maybe, but not "grinds".

So Comcast hires people that don't write proper English or make coffee. Is anyone really surprised, given the conduct and standards they have for field technicians?

@public enemy #1: For even bigger laugh check out the articles on people who have burned down their houses with Pop-Tarts (and tried to sue over it). I mean FFS the damn things get to a volcanic temperature on anything other than pastry setting.

What ?!? What do you mean i can leave it in the toaster oven while i take my kid to school.

A little off topic i know but still under the subject of stupid instructions that people actually use. Processed cheese packets are another good one.

@public enemy #1: Just water it down if it's too strong. You can't concentrate too-weak coffee; its much easier to dilute too-strong coffee.

In the research lab where I work, we have a joke about "4X" coffee for just this reason. It started with a certain someone using 2 coffee packets and about half a carafe full of water.

At my office, we should probably have a memo teaching people how to change the toilet paper roll when it's empty. And to get more t.p. out of the basement when using the last spare roll in the bathroom cabinet.

@mindgraffiti: I think this coffeemaker is hooked up to the water line. Notice that it also has a tap for dispensing boiling water (to the right of the sticky note that reads "Please make more coffee after you take the last cup. Thank you").

If you think their directions for making coffee are funny, you should see Comcast's directions for their restrooms. They are both funny and de-humanizing at the same time.

"6. Thou shalt take three (3) sheets from the holy roller, no less than three (3), yay verily, no more than four (4)."

When is someone going to leak the official Consumerist Official coffee-making manual and Official re-brew Official policy???

We wanna know!

@Bruce: ""6. Thou shalt take three (3) sheets from the holy roller, no less than three (3), yay verily, no more than four (4).""

"Three is the number thou shalt take, thou shalt not take two sheets, unless thou are immediately takingeth a third..."

At my first office job I ran into one of these office coffee machines and had no idea how to use it. I had to ask someone, and was embarrassed (especially since it was only my 2nd day and I didn't want to look like an idiot). I would have appreciated something like this.

It's easy to mock the coffee making instructions but I've seen people foul up and coffee machines of this type. In one office, the boss tried to help out and he failed on step #1. He put the filter and grounds in the sink and thought the garbage disposal could handle it. It couldn't.

I applaud those directions. Nobody is BORN knowing how to make coffee.

@not_seth_brundle: I should have put this before my comment: *applies stupid look on face, speaks in a ditzy voice* "Umm...when do I add the water..."

"coffee grinds?!"

I've alternated between three offices over the last few weeks, and honestly, this is the kind of information that totally falls through the cracks. The one assistant who knows how to work the machine leaves for another job and suddenly you've got people putting one bag in a machine that brews an industrial beaker, three bags in a machine that makes a regular pot.

IT'S MADNESS I TELL YOU!

Seriously, the people making fun of these instructions are folks who have been off the bottom rung of the ladder too long to remember what it's like when frickin' NOBODY knows how to work the machine and all your bosses expect you to keep a fresh pot ready on the burner 24/7.