Meet United Airlines' Less-Valued Customers!

We understand that airlines have to bend over backwards to attract and retain lucrative business travelers. We get it. Sadly, it seems that some airlines are running out of obsequious language that manages not to be insulting to the “rest of us.”

Reader Aaron forwarded us the following email from United announcing that “Premier Executive” frequent fliers would now be able to board before… um, you know. Those other passengers.

Beginning November 12, our Premier Executive members and Star Alliance Gold guests will board before Seating Area 1 customers through the Economy Lane.

The new boarding order will be as follows: Global Services, 1K and customers sitting in United First will continue to board first through the Red Carpet Lane, followed by our United Business customers. Our Premier Executive and Star Alliance Gold members will then be invited to board.

After all of our most-valued guests are on board and getting settled, the regular boarding process of seating areas 1 through 4 will begin.

We strive to consistently reward you, our premium customers, for your loyalty. We hope that as a Premier Executive and Star Alliance Gold customer, you enjoy this added benefit

There’s just something a little creepily desperate about this email, don’t you think?

At least they haven’t yet resorted to fear. The next email will probably read, “After all of our most-valued guests are on board and getting settled, the remaining passengers will proceed to the physical challenge portion of the boarding process, after which a King or Queen of Coach will be crowned and the losing passengers will subject to his or her cruel whims for the remainder of the flight. Also: there will be no snacks.”

(Photo: afagen )