“It just makes sense,” commented Ferdinand Q. Bub, a customer service analyst over at Price Waterhouse Cooper. “Many customers would complain about negative experiences calling customer service lines. Either a soulless robot or a Sikh in Bombay adopting a Southern drawl and referring to himself as “Tex” would pick up the phone. The “human” factor was missing. But what’s more “human” than calling up Overstock to complain about a fudged order, only to discover the rep who’s answered your call is your long-dead grandmother, or the kid brother who died in that car crash, or the wife who died in chemo? And what’s more: they appreciate your concerns!”
Indoctrinated by Pavlovian measures to satiate the zombies’ unquenchable yearning for human flesh during their shifts, companies like Expedia and Overstock are increasingly becoming reliant on undead CSRs. “As when any new employee is brought on board, there’s a training process,” he explained, pointing out a bedraggled corpse chained to a wall, holding a phone against his head while a manager urged him to say “Hello, Aunt Alicia!” When the trainee had managed to gurgle out the phrase “Huhhhhhhhhlloooo Aunnnnnnnntttttt Allllllisshhhhhhhhhaaaaaaa,” he was promptly rewarded with a bucket of bloody chum. “We also have a competitive employee rewards program,” the manager beamed.
Customers aren’t so thrilled. “It’s kinda creepy,” one Kentucky computer technician wrote, “Last week, I watched one of these things bite the face off of my ugliest kid at his birthday party. So naturally, I go to return that mp3 player I got through Overstock for him. And not only won’t they accept returns, but I got to listen to some fucking zombie apologize for the inconvenience on top of it!”
But that’s not going to sway companies from becoming increasingly reliant on the undead. “There’s no more room in hell, so zombies aren’t going anywhere. Get used to it,” Bub said. “In the meantime, many companies are starting to realize the exciting potential of employing undead workers: low salaries, yet higher intelligence and efficiency than what you could hire a living American for. In the next few years, expect to see zombies ladling out your tacos and selling you stereos at Best Buy. This is the wave of the future.”