Is there no end to the foul things parents hear their children’s toys say? Already this season Ariel the Mermaid has been accused of calling people “sluts.” Now the Bratz baby is saying fuck you to people. Could it be that the doll is singing “So Cute?” That’s what the lyrics posted on the Bratz website say, but that didn’t stop parents from alerting the media. In the news reports they actually beeped out “So Cute” when they played the song, as if that was going to help parents make an informed decision about whether or not “so cute” sounds too much like “fuck you” for their tastes.
dolls
Little Mermaid Doll Calls Child a “Slut”
By 12.12.06
Well, well, well. Who knew Ariel was a prude? Apparently, if you press the button on the talking Ariel fast enough, the toy cycles through such saccharine phrases as “Life is the bubbles” quickly enough that a secret message is revealed. “You’re a slut!”
Barbie is Dead
By 6.27.06
For this post, we knew exactly what image we were looking for: an image of Barbie — barefoot and flanked by Ken and two of Barbie’s pan-ethnic plastic girlfriends — sashaying with shopping bags right across Abbey Road. Unfortunately, that image doesn’t exist, and we’re too stupid to make it. So instead, we’ve been forced to illustrate it with this image of a murdered Barbie, her head crushed by a Volkwagen sized aluminum can. Serves her right, the cocktease.
Mattel Presents Ooga Booga Barbie
By 6.21.06
Over at the Bleat, James Lileks took time out of talking about how great the olden days are to illustrate that, though we live in an age of Hooker Barbies, it’s not like they just started being offensive.
Barbie Brand Extension Prompts Farking
By 5.24.06
Like a tired brand getting a face lift, the revelation that Mattel will trot a line of 50’s inspired Barbie dolls prompted Farkers to Botox another trope, the inapropropriate occupation Barbie.
Barbie Scarred Me, And I Liked It
By 5.17.06
Lil Miss Rodeo is the least of [insert the name a potentially concerned party here]’s worries about the new line of Barbie pinup dolls. How about French Maid Barbie?
Finally. Barbie Goes Cheesecake.
By 5.17.06
Mattel has announced that every ten year old boy’s secret plastic girlfriend, Barbie, is finally going 50’s sexpot. The lascivious, long legged tramp is getting her own “Pin-Up” line of dolls, inspired by the fifty year old cheesecake calendars still mustily crumbling upon the wall of our grandfathers’ garages.
