There is a war raging in reviewer land, and it’s one you might not have noticed. BUT IT IS VERY REAL. Or at least it is to anyone taking note of which famous faces are taking the time to review things on Amazon. Because while everyone knows that George Takei is very adroit at making funnies on the Internet, Newt Gingrich is also in the reviewing ring.

Though we know in our brains that there is no actual celebrity reviewing war going on, if there was then Takei would be riding roughshod all over the competition, points out Kottke.org: He’s a top-1000 reviewer at Amazon for his humorous reviews of things like squirrel underpants (that means underpants for squirrels, not featuring them) and inflatable remote control sharks.

Takei is ranked at 584 overall on Amazon for his 25 reviews, with 99% of votes on his reviews getting a “helpful” rating. That’s 99% of the total 129,524 votes his reviews have gotten. And also his birthday is April 20, in case you were wondering.

A sample snippet from a Takei review on unicorn horns for cats, which he strapped onto three alley cats:

Soon things began to happen. Inexplicable things. The neighbor’s dog was found immobilized, trussed-up with some indeterminate golden binding, a warning sign scrawled above him, “Do not crosses the THREE.” A heretofore undiscovered hotspring bubbled up from beneath our yard and now transverses our property. Our clothes began to emerge from the dryer already pressed and folded, and the vet’s office mysteriously called to confirm we had intended to cancel their next appointments. But we had not.

On the other end of the famous people spectrum, Newt “What Should We Call This Internet Phone?” Gingrich has far more reviews, but his ranking is nowhere near Takei’s dazzling achievement. With a reviewer ranking of 416,549 for his 156 total reviews, only 83% of the votes on his reviews were helpful. And only 5,913 people have even voted on his stuff. As for his birthday, it does not say on Amazon.

For comparison’s sake, an excerpt from one of Gingrich’s reviews, this one for The Battle Of The Wilderness, May 5-6, 1864:

The Wilderness Campaign is particularly worth studying for two reasons. First, it is one of the most complex and frustrating battles ever fought on American soil. Second, it is the first encounter between Grant and Lee.

Enough learning for me for the moment! Back to rodent undergarments!

Maybe that’s the difference, Newt. George is willing to share his birthday in his profile and you are not, which makes him perhaps more approachable. Or he just has funnier stuff to say about not-so-serious things. So if you want unicorn horns for cats, Takei is your man. Important historic battles? Gingrich’s got it.

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