Jeff Pearlman is a columnist for SportsIllustrated.com, and his lawn probably looks like crap because Sears has had his mower for five weeks. Do they ever intend to return it? It’s hard to know for sure, because they won’t answer the phone.

Behold’s Jeff’s chat with Sears:

Dear Customer, please wait while we connect you to a Blue Crew member to assist you.
You have been connected to Keith.
Keith: Thank you for choosing Sears. My name is Keith. How may I assist you?
Jeff: keith, i need your help.

Keith: Hello, Jeff.
Keith: Let me see what I can do to help you today.
Keith: How may I help you?

Jeff: i brought my mower in for a repair … FIVE weeks ago. they told me it’d be fixed in 2-3 weeks. i’ve never heard back. i call and call and NOBODY (literally, nobody) answers the telephone. I’ve tried all different Sears numbers, and i keep getting blown off, pushed to the next number. All I want to know is if my friggin’ mower is fixed.
Jeff: and i don’t wanna have to drive 40 minutes to the store to check.
Jeff: somebody should be able to tell me. it’s not too much to ask.
Jeff: and i’m pissed. not at you, obviously. but i’m pissed.

Keith: I’m really sorry to hear that no have assisted you with this information.
Keith: Please accept my sincere apologies for this inconvenience.
Keith :Let me check and help you with that information.
Keith :May I have your phone number beginning with the area code along with your e-mail address please?

Jeff: honestly, i just want the mower
Jeff: 917-XXX-XXXX
Jeff: [email]

Keith :Thank you. Could you please verify your full name and your service address, including city, state and zip code?

Jeff: jeffrey pearlman; 23 XXXX, XXXXX ny 1XXXX

Keith :Thank you, Mr. Pearlman.
Keith :Will the file be under a different name/
Keith :*?
Keith :*?

Jeff: no. jeff pearlman. maybe not jeffrey

Keith :Okay, will the file be under a alternate phone number?

Jeff: no
Jeff: crap. i don’t even exist, do i?
Jeff: i have the slip in front of me

Keith :I certainly understand how frustrating it would be. I’m really sorry, we do not have this information on the file.
Keith :I request you to contact the stores where you dropped the mower.

Jeff: i hate sears. i really do.
Jeff: i know it’s not your fault, but you guys have lost my mower, and nobody at the store answers the friggin’ phone.
Jeff: i call and call and call—and n-o-b-o-d-y answers.
Jeff: and now i have to get a babysitter this evening so i can inquire about a mower that might not even be there.
Jeff: ain’t right

Keith :I certainly understand your problem, in this case I’ll go ahead and send a message to our Customer Relation Department regarding the issue and they will contact you within 24 hours with a solution.

Keith :Do you have an alternate phone number you would like to provide?

Jeff: nope.

Oh Sears, you are so… Sears-like.

We’re intrigued by the fact that nobody is answering the phone at that location. Are they OK? Should be we concerned? When do we start panicking?

Friggin’ Sears [Jeff Pearlman] (Thanks, David!)

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