20 Creepy Baby Products

Maybe we’re not the only ones that think some babies are creepy. For the creepy baby in your life, Cracked has assembled a list of 20 creepy baby products. The really creepy part is that all of these products are real and can be purchased online. Check out some of our favorites, inside…

Graphics and descriptions courtesy of Cracked.

20. Zaky Infant Pillow

18. Swimming Neck Ring

10. Metallica Lullabies

9. Manual Snot Sucker

8. Her First Heels

For the full list of 20 creepy baby items, check out Cracked’s full article.

20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants [Cracked]


Edit Your Comment

  1. chikarin says:

    manual snot sucker is just so masochistic…

  2. Optimistic Prime says:

    Bought the Metallica album, it’s really pretty bad.

  3. fafi says:

    Those hands would give me nightmares. Who thinks of this crap?!?

  4. Wormfather is Wormfather says:

    I’m gonna be sick…and sad.

  5. Kevin Cotter says:

    Heh, got the Metallica Lullabies for my son!

  6. Thanks Consumerist – I lol’d spontaneously at my desk and now everyone’s looking at me.

    “But there’s this funny baby…snot sucker! Metallica! Dreadlocks?…”

  7. synimatik says:

    I got TOOL, Smashing Pumpkins, and Pink Floyd from that company. It’s not great for me, but pretty cool to think my kid is getting familar with good music, and not that sissy kiddy crap about bears, and picnics, and gay purple dinosaurs…

  8. morganlh85 says:

    That snot thing almost made me throw up.

  9. Cap'n Jack says:

    WOW, some people just shouldn’t have kids. Including anyone who buys these products.

  10. SacraBos says:

    @chikarin: Isn’t the little squeezy bulb for doing that simple enough? And less prone to disgusting over exhuberance? I know dealing with baby fluids in kind of gross sometimes, but who was the moron that thought siphoning snot was a good idea?

    #1 is the baby tattoos. So. Very. Wrong. This makes “trailer trash” look sophisticated. Unless that’s their market.

  11. Veeber says:

    @chikarin: The snot sucker though is actually quite handy. I’ve used the squeezy bulb and sometimes the baby is just too squirmy and you end up needing another set of hands. There’s a foam filter before the suction tube which keeps you from eating the snot from an overly ambitious suction.

  12. Cocotte says:

    Confession: I bought the peepee teepees for a friend to use with her new baby. And she LOVED them. It may look goofy, but sure beats an eyeful of pee five times a day.

  13. Mayor McRib says:

    As creepy as the Zaky infant pillow is, I would bet that some newborns would just love it. Our baby had to spend a night under the heat lamps for jaundice and we positioned a towel to go in the same areas so he would feel like he was being held. That pillow would have made the night sooooo much better for him and I would have gotten more than 10 minutes of sleep at a time.

  14. People have been making fun of how bald my son is since he was born. Now I know where to get him some wigs so all the other babies will stop teasing him.

  15. Thunderpants says:

    I love my nosefrida (snot sucker)! It’s much faster than the bulb aspirator and brings the kid relief instantly. I’ve never ingested snot and it’s easier to clean than the bulbs too. It’s way more gross to wipe it off the kid’s face constantly.

  16. aloe vera says:

    I have that manual snot sucker (it’s called Nosefrida) and it rocks! Way better than those bulb syringes they give you at the hospital. And the snot never gets anywhere near your mouth, nor does the tube go into the baby’s nose. Call it gross, but when my baby can breathe (and sleep) we are all much happier.

  17. Jay Slatkin says:

    @aloe vera: It tastes like candy, but it’s snot.

  18. Canino says:

    Good grief that snot thing creeps me out. I don’t care how great it is and what filtering it supposedly has, I don’t want any hose connected between my mouth and a wad of someone else’s mucus, baby or not.

  19. Angryrider says:

    Dear god! Why can’t babies just be babies instead of gods or royalty?

  20. theblackdog says:

    I know way too many people who would buy that Daddle, and not because they have kids…

  21. Legal_Eagle_In_Training says:

    And this is just another reason for me to never procreate.

  22. thelushie says:

    @Cocotte: Throw a washcloth or a small towel over the baby’s peepee and it serves the same purpose without wasting paper. I don’t have kids and even I know that! :-P

  23. J.Heck says:

    Ok. These are all weird EXCEPT number 1.

    Those “perfectly weighted” hands are VERY useful. They are used a lot in neonatal ICUs to put on preemies in order to keep them calmer, since Mom can’t actually hold the baby while it’s incubated. They are also especially useful for children who are not soothed by being swaddled in a blanket. As creepy as it is, it’s a very common thing to see in some neo units and in the homes of inconsolable babies.

  24. mariospants says:

    good bye the onion, hello cracked.com – lately, Cracked has become my #1 choice for the yucks. This one just sealed the deal.

  25. jscott73 says:

    Haha, this list is hilarious, we did receive the peepee teepee things when we had our son, didn’t really use it or need it but now that he is fully walking, started at 9 1/2 months, we should get one of those thudguard helmets, he has knicks, cuts and bruises all over his head and already one trip to the emergency room.

    Oh, that’s what the “Daddle” is for, my wife and I have been using ours for after we put the kids to bed…

  26. Asvetic says:

    @Optimistic Prime: If you like the Rockabye Baby albums [www.rockabyebabymusic.com] (by the way, the Radiohead one is great.), you’ll love Pancake Mountain [www.pancakemountain.com]

  27. sir_pantsalot says:

    Insane except for the snot sucker. I have kids and when they can’t breath and they are sick and tired and can’t fall asleep you feel really bad and would do anything to help them. I have heard that in Asia the moms would just cover the babies mouth and nose with their mouth and suck out the snot then spit the snot out of their mouths.

  28. homerjay says:

    Okay, I have two kids and I can count on one hand how many times I’ve needed that blue sucky bulb. Is nose goop really that big of a problem for other parents?

  29. Skipweasel says:

    We found whirling the sprog round by its heels worked just as well as the snotsucker with the added advantage of sticking the peeling wallpaper back in place.

  30. Shannon says:

    The real laughs didn’t come until I finally scrolled down to the stripper heels. Now, that’s a genius idea. Especially if the mother is a stripper- then they can dress alike all the time!

  31. RBecho says:

    If only work didn’t block cracked. These were excellent.

  32. chrisjames says:

    I am so getting my kid the “Samuel L.” That is frikkin’ awesome! They need a “Pam Grier” and a “van Gogh Cop” to complete the set.

  33. tears are rolling down my face …

  34. Dear god, the funnies thing on this site in…well, ever. That second bullet point on #9…I’m crying too.

  35. mac-phisto says:

    finally, some parenting accessories i could see myself using! question: if i have my baby in a #19 (baby keeper), would he be considered a carry-on? if so, i might need to check him.

  36. TheNerd says:

    Anyone who has listened to the same annoying luluby CD over and over again will be able to appreciate that #10 is more about the sanity of the parents than anything else. :)

  37. Daniels says:

    The Po-Knee is not really disturbing. Kinda cute, actually.

  38. I actually got the Baby Tattoos for my sister’s baby on his 1st birthday. It was appropriate because his dad is all tattooed up. I don’t know why they are #1 on the list, the snot sucker and swimming neck ring seem far more ridiculous.

  39. Everyone here needs to take the Sex toy or baby toy? quiz.

  40. donkeyjote says:

    Wow. Just wow. Especially 12, the Daddle… I’ve been in that position once too many… ^__^

    But the 13, 3rd Arm actually looks useful (I am not a dad or in anyway a breeder)

  41. donkeyjote says:

    Also, any toy or outfit that comes with directions saying “No Child Exploitation involved” is most likely lying…

  42. donkeyjote says:

    @Michael Belisle: 6/15. I fail -_-

  43. Hirayuki says:

    My Japanese sister pointed out those snot-suckers in a baby-stuff store when I went to visit her sometime after my son was born. She agreed they were disgusting and would much rather have been using the little aspirators that are the norm elsewhere.

    She also revealed that not that long ago, Japanese moms would chew food for their weaning babies, not unlike birds. This contributed to tooth decay in very small children who got Mummy’s delicious spit along with tiny prechewed portions of her lunch.

  44. Charmander says:

    What do you need to buy a manual snot sucker for? Just put your mouth right over the baby’s nose!

  45. donkeyjote says:

    @mamalicious: Sucking a baby’s face does not sound too appealing…

  46. AdvocatesDevil says:

    @sir_pantsalot: Um, could you put a warning on posts like that. Some of us are trying to eat here.

  47. Elvisisdead says:

    @Thunderpants: Agreed – the nosefreida is better simply because it can actually be cleaned between uses. The bulb can only be made less snotty.

  48. Stupid_Losers says:

    One time while searching for music on the internet I downloaded a couple of those Rockabye Baby cds for my girlfriend’s son to listen to while he sleeps. I had Metallica, Pink Floyd, Radiohead and some others I can’t remember. After listening to them I thought they weren’t very good and it turns out her son didn’t like them either. He’s 3 and is actually into the real versions of the songs. But that’s just because he’s a lot cooler than most 3 year olds.