Wal-Mart "Genuine Steakhouse Brand Steaks" Are "100% Guaranteed Fresh" (Some Restrictions Apply)

Reader Richie would like to point out the impressive pointlessness of this Wal-Mart promotion for “Genuine SteakHouse Steak.”

So the brand name is “Genuine Steakhouse,” therefore they are Genuine Steakhouse Steaks. This does not mean anything. They are not “genuine” anything, nor are they coming from a “steakhouse,” except for, I guess the slaughterhouse, which is a house where steaks come from. The next sentence, “100% freshness guaranteed or your money back” is also pretty lean on meaning. One would hope that spoiled, past-due meat would not be sold in the first place and I think it’s safe to say that, should that meat accidentally get sold, it would certainly be accepted for a refund. Then again, I don’t know much about Wal-Mart, so maybe they are always selling rotten meat and not giving you money back for it. Who’s to say.

What they have cleverly done here is put a bunch of connotation-rich words near each other, in a construction that prevents the words from having any kind of actual meaning that might make it incumbent upon the company to provide anything even slightly out of the ordinary. Genuine Steakhouse…100% guaranteed…money back. A casual gloss could easily give you the false impression that they are somehow guaranteeing that this meat has a certain level of quality, or comes from a specific steakhouse, or something like that. In fact, they are just announcing the fact that they are putting a trademarked brand name on run-of-the-mill USDA-whatever meat, and then guaranteeing that they won’t sell it once it putrefies.

Oh, Richie, this is what happens when you think about Wal-Mart too much. It’s bad for your health. Speaking of bad for your health, if you click on over to the SteakHouse Steaks page at Walmart.com, you’ll see that concerning the “100% guaranteed fresh” bit…“*Restrictions apply. Please see store for details.”

Eek.

Meaningless, You Mean It’s All Been Meaningless [I Feel Crazy]
Wal-Mart Steaks