Run Away, Banks Are Coming To Life As People

If one of these brands came alive, which would duck out of helping you move? Which one would take your last beer? Which would get your girlfriend to cheat on you? Which would point you out as a kulak to the Red Army?

How about, if one of these brands came alive, which would win in a duke-out in the streets of Tokyo? Now that would be our kind of survey, and HarrisPollOnline would probably get more revealing results. — BEN POPKEN

(Thanks to Jason!)


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  1. jgkelley says:

    I frequently take online surveys from places like lightspeed panel, pinecone research, etc, which ask you to consider that a particular product/brand/company is an individual, and to describe them. Such products as sponges, beers, and candy. Those surveys are worth it, for the laughs if not the pittance they pay. (Now I’d like you to imagine Corona Light(TM) is a person. Is Corona Light(TM) someone you would consider A) Likeable B) Friendly C) Talkative or D) An immigrant worker stealing the jobs of hard-working Americans like yourself?)

  2. ShadeWalker says:

    which brand beats you and yells “look what you made me do!!”

  3. Sunburnt says:

    Shadewalker: Microsoft, in my experience. McAfee a close second.

  4. Anonymous says:


    Wells Fargo would beat you up, Bank of America would steal your wallet, watch, and shoes, and WaMu would call the cops and comfort you until they arrive.

  5. MostNutsEver says:

    If Bank of America were a tree….what kind of tree would it be?

  6. Landru says:

    You mean they would call the cops on you and hold you until they arrive.

  7. MeanMachine says:

    Someone upon whose front porch you would take a fiery dump….Bank of America.

  8. Anonymous says:


    Nah… I’ve had nothing but good experiences with WaMu, as opposed to the other two.

  9. Jaysyn was banned for: says:


    A hangman’s tree.

  10. Canadian Impostor says:

    Well I’ve had nothing but good experience with Bank of America, so there.

  11. QuirkyRachel says:

    Can we do this to the cable/communications companies? We could vote on which one would would be most likely to pull a gun on you and demand all of your money…

  12. bedofnails says:

    Bank of America stole by girlfriend.

  13. Uriel says:

    My bank lives down the street from he. He’s a deadbeat dad.

  14. CapnMarrrrk says:

    I’ve had a good experience with BOA too, but don’t be fooled, if any of these banks were people they’d all slip a little something into your pop then violate your anus as soon as you were asleep.

  15. Uriel says:


    yes that’s quite graphic. Thank you.

  16. ducksauce says:

    Looks like HarrisPollOnline ripped off Southwest’s website, too!

  17. Nytmare says:


  18. SkyeBlue says:

    I do alot of these surveys and sure wish they’d just send us some that would let us give our real opinions on these companies and let us say what we really think about them! Those I would be glad to do for free!

  19. TedSez says:

    Wells Fargo is the friend who invites you out for a free dinner, then keeps reaching into your pocket for money to pay for the tax, the tip, the cab ride and coffee afterward.

  20. RandomHookup says:

    Wells Fargo is about the worst roommate I have ever had….and he doesn’t flush.

  21. captainvegetable says:

    I work in market research (I know, terrible, but I just edit the surveys, which can be like banging my head against a wall) and I hate that methodology like you wouldn’t believe. My small company doesn’t have clients who insist on it, but it’s definitely a stupid way to get at what they’re trying to get at.

    As for companies not just letting you tell them what you think of them: they’re not paying for that. They’re paying for you to fit into tables and graphs that they have sometimes already made up. Sometimes they might be willing to learn something, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

  22. xamarshahx says:

    HSBC sent a similar survey, got bored halfway through it was so long and dumb.

  23. mavrc says:

    Wow, this is really taking the corporation-as-a-legal-person principle a bit too far. Seriously, it’s just for legal purposes.

    Besides, if banks were people, they’d be that guy that’s always around when you have beer to share, but is nowhere to be found when it’s their turn to buy.

  24. Uriel says:

    Yes you’re right, they would be Snoop Dogg.

  25. Jesse in Japan says:

    If Bank of America were a reasonably attractive woman, would you want to have sex with her?

  26. Bryan Price says:

    As a rule, I don’t respond to Harris polls about banks and what not. Too damn tedious, and I always end up with something about a bank I only know because I heard the ad somewhere. Overall, I enjoy the polls, but financial institutions? I’d rather have teeth yanked. The times I do get to give feed back never occur on these. Gee, I wonder why.