A current customer service rep at a telephone company tells you what’s really going on on the other side of the line when you call in: abject loathing.

10. While you’re talking, I’m playing computer games.

Usually flash games, because my company allows me to. Otherwise I’d be so bored I would go insane.

9. I can have your problem fixed for you, and generally do, before you’re done talking.

This is true for 90% of the calls I take, my average call length is 45 seconds. What does this mean? It means that you could have fixed it yourself, and instead you decided to be lazy, and call me…

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8. I don’t care about your business/website/family/day, so please don’t tell me.

You would be surprised at how many people try to sell me some great idea on the phone. Or how many of them want me to listen about their day for hours on end. I honestly could care less, and you’re not pitching anything I haven’t heard before.

7. If I’ve heard of the company you’ve just signed up with, it wont make you any money.

Typically I receive several calls that begin like,

“Hi, I just signed up with X company, they told me to get a TFN (toll free number) with you, and I was supposed to get this thing setup, how do I do that?”

While he/she was talking, I had already setup their account per the specifications of that company.

“No worries, I’ve heard about that company before. Your account is all setup.”

6. I don’t like you.

It’s the truth, because your interrupting my game play. I play games because I finish all my other work in an hour. The rest of the day is just taking calls from people whom generally don’t know hot to wipe their own ass w/o calling someone.

5. If your initial charge declines, you’re sending us a clear signal: you’re a deadbeat.

Our numbers are very cheap, 2.00 a month + 6.9 cents per minute for the calls. Your first charge is 1 month + the setup fee, which is the same as the monthly charge. First charge on your CC = $4.00. If that charge declines for NSF (non-sufficient funds), you’re letting us know that your going to be a problem customer. That will forever haunt your notes.

4. This has shown up on many lists: be nice.

If you’re nice, I will waive CC (credit card) decline fees ($10.00 with my company.) If you’re nice, I’ll work as hard as I can to process your request. If you’re nice, I’ll talk with my supervisor about getting you an extension, and I’ll go to bat for you. I’ll monitor your account for you, let you know if charges didn’t process, maybe even upload a custom greeting for free for you.

3. Mean people suck.

I understand you’re frustrated, upset, pissed off or just want to yell at someone. But don’t yell at someone who is going to help you. Scream in to your pillow at home, punch the wall, I don’t care. Yelling at me over the phone, tells me that you don’t want to be helped. I will make you feel like an idiot, by saying,

“Sir, I understand your upset, but I will have to terminate this call if you continue to yell at me.”

That generally makes people feel like crap, and 99% of the time they calm down. I say “Sir” for a reason, because if someone is yelling at me, it usually a guy.

2. Don’t try to BS me.

“I’m losing thousands of dollars of business because my line isn’t working.”

If that was true you:
• Would make sure your number was never turned off.
• Wouldn’t be talking to me, I’m a low level CSR, if you were a bigger client you would have your own personal rep to talk to.
• Wouldn’t be yelling at me. People that make that much money, in my experience don’t yell that often.

“My died, thats why my CC declined.”

I’m very sorry for your loss, but you do still owe us money. I would never tell a customer that on the phone, but thats what I’m thinking. Because this is a scam. At the end of a billing cycle, I got no less then 30 of these calls. While it is possible, it’s unlikely. But again, refer to #4, if your nice, I can get you an extension.

1. “Your not listening to me are you?” Your absolutely correct, I’m not listening to a word you say.

In fact, I don’t care about you in the least. I approach all of my calls like a search engine. I’m listening for Key words. Once the key words click in my brain, I fix your problem. Anything else is said, is wasted.

Things to remember the next time you call telephone, or really, any, customer service.

And look, the information originated on our very own message boards. Hotness. — BEN POPKEN

10 Confessions of a Customer Service Rep [ConsumeristForums.com]

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