Personally, we are allergic to high-pressure sales people. This is the reason that we do not work out at Crunch Gym. It may look like a gym, but it’s actually a festering pool of high-pressure sales douchebags.

Crunch Gym is like Glengarry Glen Ross, but with sweatpants and without Alex Baldwin. Take Reader Jacob’s experience for example. He signed up for a month-to-month membership at $69/ mo. As he was touring the gym, the douchebag sales guy was explaining all the wonderful improvements and renovations that they were doing to the gym. Jacob signed up because of one of them specifically: A boxing ring. Months pass and as the improvements near completion, Jacob receives a letter:

And then something interesting shows up in the mail. I get a letter full of hip self-praise “We worked around the clock (and spent lots of money) to make fabulous changes….” and that they are ‘offering’ me a year-long contract for $79 or $84 for month to month. Heres the great part: the letter is dated 2/6/07, I received it 2/20/07 and it says to return it by 2/21! (thats today)

Ain’t that some sh#t.

Yes, Jacob. That is some sh#t. Read the rest of Jacob’s email, as well as the letter from Crunch, inside.

Jacob writes:

I have had a very interesting day dealing with my Crunch Gym.

I joined Crunch for a $99 initiation + $69/ mo. month-to-month contract in late September of last year (less than 5 months ago). Before today I had been peeved that on my initial ‘tour’ – i.e. high pressure sales pitch – I was shown all the fabulous development plans for the gym that included boxing facilities, extra studios, larger rooms, etc. It’s now late February and Crunch is finally near completion.

And then something interesting shows up in the mail. I get a letter full of hip self-praise “We worked around the clock (and spent lots of money) to make fabulous changes….” and that they are ‘offering’ me a year-long contract for $79 or $84 for month to month. Heres the great part: the letter is dated 2/6/07, I received it 2/20/07 and it says to return it by 2/21! (thats today)

Ain’t that some sh#t.

I learn in an initial call to the gym location that the corporate office had sent out the letters and had only given the branch about a days notice. The gym had been getting tons of calls about the matter from other confused members.

Eventually I speak to someone there at length:

Crunch: you had questions about the letter?
Me: I’m confused because the contract I signed says that…
C: is supposed to be 30 days notice?
M: yeah
C: alright, so what we can do for you is that it won’t start ’til April
M: uh huh
C: alright? (in a finalizing tone)
M: umm, We’ll the thing that I ‘m kind of annoyed about is that when I signed up in September, the person taking me around was telling me about the great improvements that were coming and that were very slow to actually come, and the one I was interested in the most which was the boxing ring…
C: The boxing ring? did you know that that is now in right?
M: I was in last week and it wasn’t done. It was there but it wasn’t finished.
C: It is done now.
M: Ok, umm … But you sell the gym at one rate, you know, implying that you are going to get everything that is coming with it with the upcoming changes and then once the changes are made theres a higher rate.
C: I totally understand what you are saying. what that is is that is a renewal. everyone gets a renewal after your one year is up.
M: Ok. but I… first of all I joined 5 months ago and …
C: (surprised) Five months ago you joined? You didn’t join a year ago?
M: No. I joined at the end of september and I basically started in October, so thats less than 5 months ago.
C: how do you spell your last name?
M: (spelling ) and also I don’t have a contra…
C: (interrupting) You shouldn’t have gotten a letter.
M: yeah, well…. its giving me the option of $79 with a one year contract or $84…
C: (interrupts) Can you actually fax me your letter?
M: Its easier for me just to bring it over
C: that’s fine, because you shouldn’t have gotten a letter… your one year is not even up
because what you have is a one year renewal.
M: Well the letter says nothing about renewal. it trumps up all the changes you’ve made ( then quoting the letter) and then it hits you up for more money.
C: from my understanding, these letters are only renewal letters
M: it says nothing about renewal
C: hold on for a sec
can you bring in the letter?
M: yes, I’ll be by in about 20 minutes.

I copy the letter, grab my original contract and go by the gym. I ask for the Rep and I was told by a nervous attendant that she was in a meeting. “what’s it in regards to?”
“the letter”
“OK great, have you made your decision yet?”
“we’ll actually I need to talk to (Rep), she wanted me to bring a copy in.”
a subtle hush falls… “OOHHH you’re THAT guy.”

While I’m waiting I notice a few more unhappy crunchers clutching white letters milling about. I also go inspect the boxing ring, it’s there but there is no tension on the ropes, even though the screws are fully tightened, it looks pretty sad. The only other thing in the room is a deflated speed bag mounted to the wall that looks like a saggy scrotum.

The reps were apparently holding a meeting on how to deal with this major f#ck-up initiated by the corporate offices.

When I come in, the rep and the GM seem to be exchanging glances and for the second time we I am referred to in code as “the special one”. There is no talk about how I shouldn’t have received the letter. The GM intercedes at one point and says that because of the 30-day clause that this wouldn’t start until April. (here we are again) The Rep says she will email someone and find out if the rate change applies to me and gets back to me.

I also remind her that I am on the month to month plan. She seems surprised and said that in the computer I was listed as a 1-year contract. Luckily I had my contract in hand that said otherwise. She then updates the computer.

The gym would be nice if it wasn’t for all the writhingly slick sales and management people, all this ridiculous maneuvering to save and add memberships. The smirky corporate marketing doesn’t help either. I feel bad for the people driven by quotas, sales goals, covering their asses from all directions – it would be nice if their goals were health, fitness and customer satisfaction. but hey – ‘No Judgments’. I’d rather go running in the cold or join the local Y than take part in yet another corporate scheme.

Let’s hear some alternatives to Crunch’s “saggy scrotum” speed bags in the comments, shall we?—MEGHANN MARCO

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