iBitch, or Paying For Your MacBook With $600 Worth of Five Spots

While dumping ten thousand pennies upon a counter says ‘Hobo Joe’ no matter how you look at it, it is better sometimes than walking around with a huge wad of small bills.

Go back in a time machine and ask me, minimum-wage wanna-e mall pimp with the fluffy down of a blonde mustache upon my sneering upper lip, as I strutted amongst the food court honeys waving around a fold of 95 ones with a single 50 wrapped around the side. “Coo coo ca choo,” I’d say. “Coo,” the honeys replied. That was the most ego-boosting day of my life until another mall posse beat the crap out of me for it in a men’s room stall later that day.

Since then, I have learned the extreme sensibility of carrying money around in the maximum denomination as possible. Consequently, I have side-stepped issues the like of Kristin’s, who wandered into an Apple Store and attempted to purchase a MacBook in cash, including over 120 fivers. The Apple Store employee was more than a bit miffed… although probably was not prodded along the path of pleasantry by Kristin’s persistent hints that she had gathered the fives selling pot and turning tricks.

We’re not sure it’s much of a complaint, but it’s pretty funny. As Apple lovers, we love bashing them too. Kristin’s email after the jump.


I went to the Apple store today after months and months of saving every last dollar to buy a new laptop (sorry people I owe money to…you’re next I swear!)(unless my cell dies)(THIS was a pure life necessity)(I didn’t even GO to the Nordy Anniversary sale!)

Well, I had saved all my cash income to buy this computer, which cost about the same as it would to adopt a baby girl from china, which incidentally is how I feel about the new “addition” to my family.(pics and announcements of the new bundle of joy will be sent soon) I had it all in cash, which I know in this new age of credit consumerism is a bit old fashioned, but money is money I say. And I wasn’t about to go into debt when I already owe my generous GENEROUS friends who have been there in my hour(s) of need!

So I would say $600 of it was in $5 bills, but they were all sorted and facing right (didn’t learn much in college, but THE GAP certainly provided me with some great money and laundry folding skills) and the girl helping me gave me attitude! IAnd I was being SO NICE. (really) Yah, I felt lame too, like I was counting out my babysitting money…so I said “I know, it’s a lot of 5’s, but you shoulda seen what I had to DO to earn all this cash…”haha”…”heehee”…”wink wink.”

(crickets chirping)


Me again, chuckling,nervous “yah, I mean, I faced them all and bundled them in hundreds so it would at least be less obnoxious! I learned that from my days at THE GAP! Hey! At least working here you don’t have to fold stuff, huh!”


Me again, playin’ it cool, “yah, bet nobody ever pays cash here, huh! Well, at least you’ll have change!!”

My friend who came with me sidles up to the register, seeing me sinking fast…”hey! that’s a lot of 5’s! well at least you’ll have some change, huh! Won’t need to go begging the Banana Republic people for change anymore! HAA!….heee…”

Me…”wellllll, sorry, I know, I mean, well I had to pay for this computer SOMEhow!”

Finally she looks up after cramming all 5’s into register, and says really snotty, “Yah well, you COULD HAVE gone to the bank and changed these in. My boss will kill me for having to count all this cash tonight, but Oh well! I ahd to do it, so he’ll just have to deal!”

Okay, what has happenned to our shopping society? I was SPENDING $1,800 dollars in this store! AND I was being apologetic and nice to a salesgirl for paying her MY hard earned cash?! And she was being snotty to me? This isn’t FRANCE. I am the customer. And therefore my ass should be kissed! PLUS I also just saved them the percentage they woulda paid in credit card fees! What is wrong with America?

But she knew. oh did she know. This was the Apple store. she had something I desperately wanted. And she KNEW I would put up with anything to get it. Like when your crack dealer makes you strip or give him a BJ for the stash (I just see this on TV, I don’t really KNOW) This girl knew she had me at ibook. And you know what’s sad? I was relieved when the transaction was finished and she let me have my goods. I was still kissing HER ass on the way out. “bye! thanks! sorrrryyy for all the crazy cash! I’ll pay credit next time! haa haa! hee!” Just in case I needed to come back for a carrying case or an ethernet. And FYI…I will be paying in $1 bills next time (AFTER I pay back my good generous friends…)