An Imagined Dialogue Inspired By Video Of Two Bumbling Would-Be Burger King Burglars


As long as there are fast food restaurants, there will be attempted burglaries. And because not all crimes happen when there are people around, we’re especially thankful to the Philadelphia Burger King that caught two bumbling buddies who forced their way inside in the wee hours of the morning and proceed to generally be incompetent.

Police are looking for the two suspects featured in the security footage (H/T to Deadspin) for breaking in and damaging a cash register monitor. They didn’t take anything else or cause much damage besides that, unless you count roughing up hamburger buns a crime.

The bad part about surveillance videos? There often isn’t any sound, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a potential script for the conversation that may have ensued between these two clumsy pals. Feel free to follow along as you watch the video.

THE SCENE: Burger King, 2:50 a.m.
CAST: Hat Guy and Patch Jacket

Hat Guy: Open, Sesame! (throws doors open)
Patch Jacket: This place looks different at night.
HG: Weee, watch me slide gracefully over this counter (belly flops). This cash register monitor looked at me funny (pushes it off the counter). Ha, got ya.
PJ: Wait why did you — oh well, that sliding thing looked fun (slides over after his friend who has disappeared into the back)
HG: COME IN THE BACK I AM LOOKING FOR FRIES!!!
(Walking around, pointing at an ordinary restaurant kitchen) Look at all this restaurant stuff! I can count everything in here and point at it!
PJ: Wait for me, hang on –
HG: HAMBURGER BUNS! I LOVE HAMBURGER BUNS I WANT THEM! (starts grabbing at bag of hamburger buns like he’s been wandering a foodless dessert for days)
PJ: No no no, those aren’t your hamburger buns. Come here, shhh, let me hug you from behind and soothe you like you’re a startled newborn pony.
HG: But… I want the hamburger buns.
PJ: Okay you hang on to that one and we’re going to walk out together still entwined (bear hug walkout)
HG: (Resisting) But… buns.

PJ steers his pal back out to the front to once more cross the silver barrier.

HG: Stupid stuff under the counter, YOU ARE NOW OVER THE COUNTER! TAKE THAT! (throws stuff)
PJ: Haha, yeah you really showed that stuff, now let’s get you over this thing as gracefully as before, okay? You can do this.
HG: I can do this! (Slowly slides over on his belly) And I’m taking this thing from the counter, whatever it is.
(walks through the doors triumphantly in front of his friend) I showed those buns what for, didn’t I?
PJ: Sure, sure you did, lil buddy.

They walk off into the night, secure in their friendship and counter sliding skills.

END SCENE

You can follow MBQ on Twitter but know that she’s not accepting any playwriting commissions as of yet: @marybethquirk

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  1. ReverendTed57 says:

    This doesn’t look like a burglary so much as a man following around his mentally-handicapped acquaintance. I’d wager the bun-molester is some combination of schizophrenic, high, and/or homeless.