In spring of last year, comforting, tasty foods began to disappear by the truckload. Soup, hamburgers, Nutella: all stolen. Consumerist developed a theory. What if these crimes were the work of a syndicate of well-traveled, resourceful, and extremely hungry thieves? After laying dormant for most of 2013, the Comfort Food Criminals are back.

This time, 72 pallets of various Mars brand candies worth more than $362,000 disappeared from a logistics company warehouse in Illinois. The theft occurred in mid-December, but the company first investigated to make sure the candy wasn’t just misplaced. The news broke after Christmas, and we only heard about it today.

Like our theories that Target exists in its own reality, that Comcast seeks to colonize customers’ own cable modems, and that Sears and Lenovo are massive anti-capitalist pranks, the Comfort Food Crime Wave is a joke. It’s extremely unlikely that the same people are responsible for any of these crimes.

Midwesterners, if anyone tries to sell you a candy bar that “fell off a truck,” be wary.

$362,000 in Mars candy goes missing from plant in Manteno

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