Before we get started, let’s all take out some grains of salt and cup them carefully during this entire experience. Ready? Okay: If you know who Kanye West is, you know he has a rather high opinion of himself. But despite the fact that he claims in the song “I Am a God” that he’s no mere mortal, that doesn’t mean he’s going to get his croissants faster than the laws of science will provide. This, according to a purported group of French bakers.
In a blog post entitled: An Open Letter to Kanye West from the Association of French Bakers, the so-called Association of French Bakers (which may or may not be a real thing, and I am inclined to say no because the Internet doesn’t support it, please correct me if I am wrong. UPDATE: Consumerist reader TJ says yes, here it is, but did the members really write the letter?) takes the time to explain to Kanye, and to all of us, why the song lyric: “In a French-ass restaurant/Hurry up with my damn croissants” is a bit impractical, if not offensive to the fine art of croissant making.
The bakers take the time to note that Monsieur West could never be “satisfied with pre-made croissants from the baked goods case reheated and tossed out on a small platter.” Providing a fresh croissant takes time, you see. Hurrying up? Sacre bleu! Never.
And it was with great joy you ordered croissants — not crêpes or brioches — because only croissants can proudly claim that exquisite combination of flaky crust and a succulent center. The croissant is dignified — not vulgar like a piece of toast, simply popped into a mechanical device to be browned. No — the croissant is born of tender care and craftsmanship. Bakers must carefully layer the dough, paint on perfect proportions of butter, and then roll and fold this trembling croissant embryo with the precision of a Japanese origami master.
This process, as you can understand, takes much time. And we implore the patience of all those who order croissants. You may be familiar with the famous French expression, “A great croissant is worth waiting a lifetime for.” We know you are a busy man, M. West, but we believe that your patience for croissants will always be rewarded.
The bakers also point out that if Kanye is really some kind of deity, perhaps he could simply tweak the laws of space and time, or “alter the bread’s molecular structure faster than the speed of light, no?”
The lessons to be learned here are: Sometimes good food takes time. If these are real bakers, they are hilarious. You can’t hurry a croissant, no matter who you are, unless you are, in fact, divine. And Kanye West is a bit of an impatient complainer.
*Thanks for the tip, David!