We Don’t Know How To Handle The Fact That Cap’n Crunch Has Been Living A Lie

On the one hand, this could all be a little misunderstanding and there’s nothing to freak out about. On the other? Our entire cereal-eating lives could be based on a lie because of one little yellow stripe. If Internet speculation is to be believed, the so-called “Captain” of Cap’n Crunch cereal might really be a commander. Not a captain. So not Cap’n Crunch.

Over at FoodBeast they take a look at evidence provided by an observant imgur user, wherein it appears (sad drumroll, please) that the Cap’n is a Commander.

Three stripes equal a commander, and four mean you’re a captain, see? And the Cap’n, well he has the stripes of a commander so that makes him… Commander Crunch? Still imposing and a title to be respected, but just not… right. We don’t even want to Google Captain Kangaroo right now, lest all the walls of childhood come crumbling down in a sad, deceptive military title heap.

There is a ray of hope, as FoodBeast points out as an afterthought:

It’s most likely that the Cap’n only has three stripes because he’s a French “Capitaine de frégate” and they technically only have three yellow stripes. Although, that still translates to “Commander” in English . . . and doesn’t explain why he doesn’t speak a lick of le français.

However, that doesn’t sound quite right either — according to the FAQ section on his official page, his full name is Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch and he was born on Crunch Island, “which is located in the Sea of Milk.”

Anyone who’s anyone knows that after the Battle of Crunch Island in 1847, that territory was ceded to the United States in the treaty of Kalamazoo; at which time the U.S. granted the islanders their full and complete independence. Just sayin’.

UPDATE: We’ve heard from a few actual seafarers who note, and rightly, that a Commander is still addressed as Captain, including Consumerist reader Jeff:

Any naval officer who commands a ship (titled commanding officer, or C.O.) is addressed by naval custom as “captain” while aboard in command, regardless of their actual rank. Officers with the rank of captain travelling aboard a vessel they do not command should be addressed by their rank and name (e.g., “Captain Smith”), but they should not be referred to as “the captain” to avoid confusion with the vessel’s captain.

While I’m just having fun with this whole thing, of course, if indeed he is a commander that should be noted in his origin story. Credit where credit’s due, right? But as it says, his full name includes Cap’n, and not Commander. I just don’t know what to believe anymore.
Today I Learned – Cap’n Crunch is a Liar and a Fraud [FoodBeast]