Clearly disappointed that they weren’t able to progress beyond the second round in Consumerist’s Worst Company in America Tournament, Time Warner Cable has put out a call to their customers asking for tips on how they can possibly do things worse. No… that can’t be right. We have a strong suspicion that this press release did not actually come from Time Warner.
Not sure what tipped us off: could be the “Enjoy Worse” motto, their published message from the CEO, or the odd obsession that this “Time Warner” has with parody sites. But then, who could it be? Does the company have any customers out there who are dissatisfied enough to pick a fight?
Here, with odd typos intact, is the “open letter” to customers asking for suggestions.
Time Warner Cable: What Can We Do Worse?
(Tuesday April 16, 2013) Since 1989 Time Warner Cable has had one mission; to provide to worst customer service of any major corporation in the world. For the past 24 years this has been a one-way street, with customers on the receiving end of our horrible service. But now Time Warner Cable wants to make our terrible experience fully interactive.
Time Warner Cable would like to introduce the “What can we do worse?” campaign. We are encouraging customers to send along their ideas to help us make their experience even more terrible. You can share with us on multiple platforms. Tweet your ideas to @TWCCustomerCare and receive a $1.99 charge to your next month’s bill. Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org and be automatically signed up to eighteen different mailing lists that will clutter your inbox. You can also call us at 718-358-0900 and wait on hold for a minimum of forty-five minutes.
As a reminder, we already have rude customer service agents, long wait times, and unreliable cable service. We already lie about our internet speeds, charge a rental fee for modems, and schedule inconvenient service appointments. We already charge customers even when our service is out, and we already use our monopoly in certain areas as an excuse to deliver appalling customer service.
Please do not submit ideas for things that we already do. And remember, be creative! At Time Warner Cable Customer service, we firmly believe that there is always a new way to frustrate people and we’re committed to finding every possible way to make you hate us.
We would also like to remind the internet community that Time Warner Cable has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to parody or satire. Recently, we shut down a parody group making fun of our awful customer service. We deleted two of their YouTube channels that featured a video making fun of our atrocious service. We also successfully had six twitter accounts terminated, and sent a legal notice threatening their parody website. Pretty cool huh? We are worth billions of dollars but we want to remind everyone that nothing is beneath us. For anyone else considering speaking out against us, be warned that your free speech will not be tolerated.
So please send ideas to help us make your life worse. At Time Warner Cable we’re only happy if you’re not.
Thank you and have a terrible day!
Glenn A. Britt
CEO Time Warner Cable
What we’re getting is that someone in New York City is not happy with their Time Warner service. Well, that certainly narrows it down.