Texas Drought Spurs Mistletoe Shortage

If you’ve had a hard time finding mistletoe hanging at your office — encouraging festivity-endorsed sexual harassment — credit a Texas drought for causing a shortage in the smooch-mandating parasitic plant.

The New York Times reports that what little mistletoe is available in places such as New York looks anemic and isn’t worth its inflated price.

The story quotes a self-described Texas mistletoe tycoon named Speedy who says “There’s not enough mistletoe in the State of Texas to run a commercial operation.” The reporter also finds anecdotal evidence that florists are shying away from stocking the decoration, shortage or not.

The best part of the article comes when it describes how mistletoe is harvested, saying the parasite, which latches onto trees and bushes, sometimes needs to be shot with a gun before being collected. If you’re out of ammo, a pole with a hook also helps you tame the savage, seemingly endangered holiday plant-beast.

Mistletoe Gets the Kiss-Off [The New York Times]

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  1. Dr. Ned - This underwear is Sofa King Comfortable! says:

    Obligatory – Whs ths n cnsmrst?

    First pumpkins, now this? How will I convince my wife to finally kiss me?

    • Quirk Sugarplum says:

      Rohypnol?

      You can make it all holiday festive by adding red & green glitter.

    • SecretShopper: pours out a lil' liquor for the homies Wasp & Otter says:

      GHB
      She won’t even remember the word no*. Bonus points if you dress her up in a horrible “holiday” sweater, preferably featuring cats, and convince her she put it on

      *or her name, or where that cat sweater came from

      /don’t do this, it’s a joke

  2. Wonderweasel says:

    Wait wait wait wait wait.

    You’re telling me that all this time I have spent pursuing a satisfying and profitable career I could have instead become a “mistletoe tycoon?”

    I feel like my whole life is a waste.

  3. MikeF74 says:

    Who goes out and buys real mistletoe anyway? Easily 19 out of 20 pieces of hanging mistletoe I’ve ever seen have been fake.

    • Quirk Sugarplum says:

      *points to fire sprinkler*

      “Yeah, that’s totally misletoe baby. C’mere and give me some sugar!”

  4. crazymatt1 says:

    Good thing the drought only affects the mistletoe. When there’s floodin’ down in Texas, all the telephone lines go down. I try to call my baby, and I can’t get a single sound.

    • Evil_Otto would rather pay taxes than make someone else rich says:

      +1 for SRV reference.. unless that’s a cover?

      • crazymatt1 says:

        No, I was definitely referring to Stevie Ray, although I just learned that he was actually covering Larry Davis on that song.

  5. DJ Charlie says:

    Plenty of it here in Kentucky. Just hanging all over the trees too. People just don’t harvest it like they used to.

  6. Pixilox the Lock says:

    Great. Now how am I going to get that cute guy in the next cubicle to fondle me?

    Damn you Mother Nature!!

    • SecretShopper: pours out a lil' liquor for the homies Wasp & Otter says:

      See above, holiday sweater bonus still applies.

    • The Porkchop Express says:

      bacon, give him bacon. If he doesn’t eat bacon, he isn’t as cute as you think.

    • Thassodar says:

      You know what? I live in Texas and I’ll happily ‘rassle some mistletoe for ya, mail it, and include a coupon for a free fondlin’ next time you’re ’round these parts. Whaddaya say?

  7. Dallas_shopper says:

    Sadly that’s the least of our worries down here in Texas. We also have Rick Perry to contend with, along with half of Mexico pouring across the border and economic refugees from California who come here then bitch that there aren’t any mountains, beaches, or Trader Joe’s.

    • Alliance to Restore the Republic of the United States of America says:

      Can we send the Californians back but keep the Mexicans?

      • Dallas_shopper says:

        I’d like to send the complainy Californians back to California and the illegals back where they came from. The non-complainy Californians and the legals can stay, I have no beef with them at all.

    • TheMansfieldMauler says:

      I’ve actually heard them complaining that there is no state income tax. They insist all their problems would be fixed if stupid Texas would just implement a state income tax. They left a place they couldn’t stand any more, and then they want to make the new place just like the place they left.

  8. sirwired says:

    Well maybe Perry can just get a stadium full of people to add a bountiful mistletoe crop to their list of prayer requests, and God will answer. Just like the ending of the historic drought of the kind unseen since the dust-bowl ’30′s.

    Oh, wait a minute, that didn’t work.

  9. Kuri says:

    And all because Ricky decided that prayer was somehow more effective than asking other states for help.

    Oi, to think he wants to be president.

    • dolemite says:

      I saw an ad yesterday that was hilarious…his wife is speaking the whole commercial about how he has the same Christian values as you or I, then at the very end, Rick comes bounding out of nowhere dressed in black like a cat burglar to say he supports this message.

  10. SporadicBlah says:

    Want free mistletoe? Come to Georgia and ask any pecan farmer. The stuff is EVERYWHERE. At least 100 pounds per acre of pecan trees. And while your shooting the mistletoe you can shoot the squirrels as well. Pecan farmers thank you!

  11. Me - now with more humidity says:

    SO they’re having to tell their customers to kiss off? 8-)

  12. lovemypets00 - You'll need to forgive me, my social filter has cracked. says:

    What a concept – shooting holiday decorations out of trees. I wish this grew in PA, I’d be able to have a good excuse for taking a gun for a walk and taking pot shots at stuff in trees :)

  13. GuyGuidoEyesSteveDave‚Ñ¢ says:

    I usually buy one every year when I can. I then spray lacquer it so they last longer.

  14. SecretAgentWoman says:

    It usually just drops from my tree onto my driveway by the bunches every year. Not this year, though.

    (Lives in Texas.)

  15. Bryan Price says:

    I see mistletoe hanging all around me, and it appears to be quite healthy and growing, too.

    And I really don’t think it’s endangered, not here in Florida!

  16. Sham03 says:

    Also be careful if you have pets, mistletoe can be toxic (in large quantities) to dogs and cats.

  17. MECmouse says:

    I’m in Texas and there is mistletoe around. And if you can’t find real you can certainly find fake. As for your pic– mistletoe has white berries NOT RED.

  18. Goodanuff says:

    When I was a young poor student I picked mistletoe, a bell,ribbon and squirt of hairspray later I set off to the big city mall.I found asking for what they wanted to pay,insured at least $5.00. I averaged $100 nightly. It was so much better than a previous holiday retail job and I hoped to contribute to a budding romance.

  19. Martha Gail says:

    Every time my friend complains about the rain, I remind him that we’ve had so little this year. October was unusually dry.

  20. Kestris says:

    Plenty growing in the oaks along 220 through SW Virginia and North Carolina.