Judge Spices Up Order With Corn-Pone Comedy

A Kentucky judge’s order in a tense malpractice suit went viral this week after folks were amused by the corn-pone humor and mixed metaphors that he used to enliven a normally straight-forward legal document. Among the colorful phrases, the judge wrote that he was glad the case was settled as he would have preferred to “have jumped naked off of a 12-foot step ladder into a 5 gallon bucket of porcupines” than to preside over it.

Here is the full document, and here is a choice selection:

ORDER

The herein matter having been scheduled for a trial by jury commencing July 13, 2011, and numerous pre-trial motions having yet to be decided and remaining under submission;

And the parties having informed the Court that the herein matter has been settled amicably (the Court uses the word amicably loosely) and that there is no need for a Court ruling on the remaining motions and also that there is no need for a trial;

And such news of an amicable settlement having made this Court happier than a tick on a fat dog because it is otherwise busier than a one legged cat in a sand box and, quite frankly, would have rather jumped naked off of a twelve foot step ladder into a five gallon bucket of porcupines than have presided over a two week trial of the herein dispute, a trial which, no doubt, would have made the jury more confused than a hungry baby in a topless bar and made the parties and their attorneys madder than mosquitoes in a mannequin factory;

IT IS THEREFORE ORDERED AND ADJUDGED by the Court as follows:

1. The jury trial scheduled herein for July 13, 2011 is hereby CANCELLED.

Judge’s mixed metaphors tickle the press [Reuters] (Thanks to Gail!)