It’s nearly the weekend, which means at least some of you will be going out on dates, a handful of which will be first date. And in spite of all talk of gender equality, many people still think it’s the man’s job to foot the bill.
Over at TheGloss.com, nearly 61% of their readers have said unequivocally that men should pay for the first date every time. Less than 27% said the bill should be split evenly while not even 5% of respondents said it’s okay to let him pay if they intend on “putting out,” language which we here at Consumerist most certainly don’t condone.
So, of course, we wanted to get a measure of how our readers feel about this age-old topic. And what better way to do that with poll? Vote away and sound off in the comments…
Poll: Should Men Pay For the First Date? [TheGloss.com]
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What’s all this talk of splitting – I say pay for your own crap! I cover my own bill and you can cover yours, because seriously, who wants to cover a stuffed mushroom appetizer they didn’t even touch?
It makes me very pleased that equality comes through here on Consumerist. Whoever invites the other out, must pay for that night’s (or day’s) activities. Andy, hey, it works for homosexual and gender queer couples as well! Even better!
Guy always pays if he wants the lady to know he is a gentleman. If you aren’t interested in showing the lady respect, then go ahead and give up the duty.
Of course, this tends to go hand in hand with the man asking the lady out for the date in the first place. Even if the lady is the first to express interest, or ask to ‘get together some time’, the man should put out the invite.
“Guy always pays if he wants the lady to know he is a gentleman.“
Then how would a gal let the gent know that she’s a lady? The best way to show respect is to treat men and women equally.
A little flash works, although if she’s shy she can also present chromosome test results.
Whomever initiates the date should pay. Then, the next date, the other person pays and so forth.
The reason I feel the person who asks should pay is that if you’re asking someone out to a nice restaurant, it’s unfair (and impolite) to assume they are going to pay.
Only if he wants there to be a second date.
I’ll at least offer to split the bill, but if he insists, I won’t push. If the guy takes up my offer on the first try, I’ll admit that sometimes I’ll look twice at him and wonder if he’s that cheap.
If it’s a first date and I’m not sure about the chemistry yet, I insist on splitting the bill. I don’t want to be in any way under any “obligation.”
Guys pay for stuff? Really?
Depends on whether it is a planned date or spontaneous. For the former the asker should pay, for the latter, either splitting is fine or one of the parties can take care of it with the implication that the other should do so the next occasion. At least that’s how it works with my girlfriend, although at the beginning there was a lot of races to see who could get their card to the server first. I’d actually say for the very first date splitting might be best because it removes any implication of obligation on both parties and lets them focus on finding out if they like the other person enough for more dates.
OK I’m a female over 40, so I do still cling to some of the old-fashioned beliefs. I think it’s nice for a man to be a man and ask the girl out and then pay for the date. That being said, I’m well aware this is the 21st century, I have my own money, and things don’t always work that way anymore.
Seems perfectly ok for the woman to ask the guy out, and perhaps throw in “my treat” just to ensure everyone is clear on who is paying. Better not to have any awkward miscommunications. If it’s perfectly clear that I’m on an actual date, and the man has asked me, then I let him pay when the check comes. But if it’s any more ambiguous than that, I at least try to pull out my wallet and pay for my half unless he says differently.
As to “putting out”, well there’s no good way to word that, but neither party is entitled to any “putting”, no matter how much money had been spent. But I certainly wouldn’t lead a guy on and make him pay for multiple dates if I didn’t think the relationship was going to go any further in the “putting” department
It would be so much simpler if you could just invite them to eat at your place for the first date.
Why can’t you?
That only works if you already know them well enough to trust them. If it’s someone you only know very casually or if you used an Internet dating site your first date should be in a public place.
There is absolutely zero reason for the guy NOT to pay but a woman can pay if she is far and away more wealthy
The guy should ASK though
It’s like a punchcard for sex right? Three dates and you can redeem it for sex right? Or you can redeem it earlier for smaller gifts?
All kidding aside, why is this even a question? The guy should always pay unless in that rare instance the girl asks him out, and even then the guy, who accepted her invitation for a date, should at least offer to pay–repeatedly until she really insists on paying.
Asker pays because asker plans. The other person may not have known the invite was coming and usually has less say in the details of the event. That makes it significantly harder for them to budget for the 50/50 split than it does for the asker to just plan a date they can afford.
Dinner and a movie. One gets dinner, the other gets the movie.
It used to be a great litmus test for me when I was dating – if I went out with a girl who expected to have the evenin handed to her on a platter, they probably weren’t going to be a person I was going to be able to tolerate as anything close to an equal in the long run.
Now that I’m done with casual dating, though, I take my girlfriend out all the time. It’s something you do out of love, not out of want, and she’s just as likely to grab the check before I do.
Women wanted equal rights, let them have equal rights. The askee should not have to pay. If I ask you to come to my house for dinner, should you have to come to my house and cook my dinner?
It’s all a matter of family tradition. In ours NO, all children were expected to go dutch treat until they knew the person well enough and would be as comfortable paying for two as accepting a gift of an evening out. It has it’s advantages. Girl power!! Neither party can demand anything, on the basis of you owe me. I walked out on several dates when the evening wasn’t going well. Paid my own way so nothing to regret.
On first dates I always at least tried (offerd) to pay for my own drink/meal/ticket/what have you, unless I was the asker, then I paid the whole thing unless the guy offered to split. In paying my half there was never any obligation to have a second date. I learned that lesson after a HORRIBLE first date that the guy insisted be followed by a second because he took me to such a spendy place (dispite my wishes).
These days Mr. Rogue and I just split everything, we make about the same ammount right now so we just take turns.
The pursuer PAYS…period.
This is normally the guy.
It may be the girl….unlikely, but I’ve seen it.
It is quite unlikely that both folks are trying to get each other at the same time to the same degree.
It becomes more dicey later in the relationship if they are both at the same professional level…but that also rarely occurs.
If a man asks out a woman, he is extending an invitation. He will be hosting someone for an evening. That does man paying discreetly and not taking on a big expense that makes a date feel uncomfortable. Not a big deal, just a simple way of enjoying an evening.
A few of the posts here sound angry with women for taking advantage. Maybe the posters have gone on dates with women who were impolite, unfriendly or unkind. A person who behaves like that is not a good guest. Ask out a friendly woman who is polite and kind. That is the way to enjoy a date and not feel angry later over who paid. Who knows – that could be a woman to introduce to mom and dad.
My ex always paid; he insisted that it was his duty as a gentleman. But I always paid for dessert, or drinks, or some smaller treat that we enjoyed together. It was a way I could contribute without him feeling he wasn’t being a proper gentleman.
whoever does the invite should pay.
I’m a dude (last I checked). I once dated a woman with whom I would take turns paying for dinner. One night, she took me to a more expensive place than our usual range of choices. I mentioned this, and she smiled and said, “That’s okay, I’m expecting you to put out later.” As I recall, she was not disappointed.
I’d also like to point out that the “split it” or “the asker pays” conventions work equally well regardless of sexual orientation, so that’s another big win.
Gender “equality” is only sanctioned when it benefits females.
It’s amusing how many guys say that while almost all the women say that the asker pays.
This is tough. I’ll be honest, I always paid on my first dates. For me, it just felt like the right thing to do.
However, for some, they may not like that. It’s always good to at least offer. (I’m a guy)
My cousin dated a poor farmer. He had family land to farm and a house to live in but not much cash. My cousin worked a low paying job, so they didn’t go out. He would come over nearly every night and she would cook dinner. The cost of all the food was starting to hurt, so she told him he needed to buy some groceries once in a while. The next morning he showed up at her door with a large bag and put it on her kitchen counter. It was a deer, cut into quarters. She said it took all day for her to fillet it out and wrap it for freezing.
It depends on the person. Personally I’ll always pay on the first date unless the person is so inclined to pay it themselves. None the less, in the end if you end up marrying the person you’ll fight over who pays for dinner anyways haha. My gf and I don’t argue too much about it right now, but it’s getting to that point, but I always pay =)
I was always a split evenly girl. I found that when guys paid, even for cheap dates, they seemed to think they had some sort of power or that I owed them something. When I insisted on paying my own way, it seemed to keep us on even ground. Oddly enough, I always had better relationships with guys when I started it out paying for myself. I even married one of them.
Well, I’m a girl and I don’t get to do much asking out, usually the guys come to me first, though I’m not afraid to speak up if I see someone I’m interested in. But if someone asks me to go out to with them, I am expecting them to pay or at least pay half, if they asked. When I invite a friend out, I do so with the full intention of paying for both, being that I am inviting them to come. I am always willing to split though either way
As of yet though I have never had a guy allow me to pay on a date though despite my best attempts to wrestle my wallet into it, I always get told to “put that thing away”. It seems like most guys get insulted if you try to pay, at least for the first few dates, like it goes against their pride. (But I always carry some form of payment, just in case something happens.)
After dating for a while though, they tend to loosen up and be much more willing to split or let me buy them a meal out.
I’ve even had guys say what a novel and nice felling it is to be treated by a girl, lol. So I chose split though I feel t hat if someone invites you out of either gender they should probably be paying.
For general dating, whoever extends the invitation should pay. The culture that has built up around the first date pretty much translates this as “the guy always pays”. Most of the time the guy does the asking on a first date.
One good thing about “the guy always pays”, on a blind first date such as through a dating service or singles ads, offering to split the tab is a sure way for a guy to express disinterest without actually saying so.
F-ck that! I got the puss you want. You need to seperate yourself from the rest of the herd and show me why you’re a good mate. The guy should, at the very least, offer to pay for the first date. Is it sexist? yes. But the world is unfair and with all the crap that women have to deal with, getting a free meal every now and again is a small drop in the bucket.
In short, paying for the first date is the best way to ensure a second one.
I don’t say this very often, but I actually like Maxim’s answer to this one:
> If it was your (the guy, presumably), you pay; if it was her idea, offer to split it.
Shouldn’t it depend on the woman in question?
If I was asking out a woman who was traditional and aspired to be a domestic goddess of a housewife, I’d offer to pay without a second thought.
If I was asking out a career woman who sought equal treatment by society, I’d ask for separate cheques without a second thought.
At least in my area the women I’ve met were all too eager to spend the guy’s money and never interested in reciprocating. I say split the check and if the woman is interested in pursuing things further then the guy should offer to pick up the tab. I have a buddy who had been on way too many first dates where it was pretty obvious the woman was only there for the free meal. That’s a sad statement on the women in our area.
I guess I’m old fashioned. I did aspire to domestic goddess status, so a split check situation on a first date would not have led to a second date. I expect the asker to pay, and I did not do any asking. My grandpa told me not to call a man first, let him call me and I stuck to it. Second and third dates are more negotiable. I would offer to split or buy drinks or dessert further into a relationship. The man I married only allowed me to pick up drinks on our first date after paying for dinner and a movie himself- and I am now, happily, a housewife.
Personally, my girlfriend asked ME out. And when the time came on the first date, I did offer to pay. If she had objected, we could have worked something out, but I think the guy should at least offer (and if she does object, continue to offer). But don’t push the matter so hard that it’s going to have a negative impact on the date itself, especially if she doesn’t want you to.
The asker pays. And you know how I can prove it? I’m gay. Absolutely no antiquated social construct getting in the way of logic.
Arrogant poster is arrogant.
Women always want to be “equal” yet they don’t want any of the responsibility!
I always offer to split the check… and will gladly pay if taken up on my offer. However, I insist upon it if I know I never want to go on another date with the guy again.
IMO i believe it’s ALWAYS the person who asks the other person out who should pay.
1. Because you are inviting them out to hang out with you.
2. you are taking them out to something that they might not like.
Forget all the thinking notion that Oh all guys should pay for the girl. Those days are LONG gone and over, and anyone who still thinks that needs to get with the times.
Whether it’s a Guy or a Girl. Asker should pay.
Equality and all that jazz
I’m going to throw my hat in the “asker pays” ring. If you ask me out on a first date, then I expect you to pay for it (I’ll have money with me just in case, but I’m not planning on using it). And likewise, if I ask you, then I’ve got it covered. Once you start seeing someone regularly, you can make whatever adjustments work for you as a couple (based on money, or values, or what have you), but initially? Asker pays.
This is the first time I’ve ever commented on this site, but since I was having a long conversation on this exact topic with some friends (which…obviously makes me an expert) I thought I’d give my $0.02.
My opinion? Think outside the box for a second. I’ve avoided this “problem” for the past five years or so because I realized I absolutely hate dinners on a first date. Ok so you’ve met someone in a bar (or ball game, library, coffee shop, laundromat, opium den, wherever) and you ask them out. I value my time more than anything else, so I ensure I allocate it with good company. So say you ask this person to dinner on a first date. He/she might be a total disaster of a match. Its happened once or twice that I have a great connection with a girl the first time I meet her and she’s the devil’s sister when seated at a fine japanese restaurant (rude to the staff, dead quiet, not drunk enough). Anyway, it happened enough times for me to just stop doing anything expensive or massively time consuming on a first date. Find a date that leaves you an escape hatch if its not going well and won’t burn a hole in your wallet since in my opinion the guy should pay for a first date, the girl should ALWAYS genuinely offer, the guy should refuse, and after that first date you see how the dynamics work.
The solution? Grab two cups of coffee and a bar of chocolate and sit on a park bench. Talk. Laugh. Wear a tshirt. You’ve just spent 10 dollars on a date. You can leave whenever you want and don’t have to wait til your date eats one pea at a time and then orders dessert until you’re feeling stuffed and unsatisfied spending lots of money and about an hour and half with someone you barely feel a connection with. So you’re in the park. If he/she turns out to be a dud, no harm done. Much better than worrying what type of food the date likes and how much you should be spending. And hey, I’m no cheapskate. I make more than most of the girls I date, and once I figure I really connect with a girl, I have no problem taking her to a great restaurant, because I know I will enjoy her company and the food. By that time, the check-paying dynamics usually work themselves out. As a side note, if after the first date you’re still paying for every date, find a new date. In my experience my best relationships have been ones where the spending ratio is around 70% guy, 30% girl. In some, its been 50-50. In some, its been 30-70 (she was older and awesome).
In summary, don’t do dinner on a first date. See reasons above. If you’re a guy in a heterosexual relationship, you should take enough cash to pay for two on the first date (in my case, $10). Be offended if she doesn’t even offer to pay but politely refuse if she does offer. If she insists, either tell her she can get the bill the next time (if you want to see her again) or allow to split. Don’t let your ego get in the way of a good time. Definitely do not argue about who gets the bill. Procreate responsibly.
If he doesn’t offer to pay, I’ll think he’s a cheap bastard. If he lets me pay, after I say no need to pick up the entire check, I’ll know he is a cheap bastard. I usually split the bill when dating, except for one guy who let me pick up the first check (after he asked me out), he paid for every meal after that.
Whoever is not the asker, regardless of gender, should offer to pay for their share, but should agree to let the asker pick up the check. The only exception is if the non-asker is poor, and that’s been discussed. When I was a student a guy took me to a very fancy restaurant & I told him ahead of time that I couldn’t afford something like that, but would be happy to pay for coffee or a movie afterward.
Whoever asks should at least OFFER to pay.
I also play by the three times a charm – anytime I ask someone out, and when it comes time to pay they say they will three times, I let em. I’m not gonna force them to have free food.