Man Arrested For Spilling His Midichlorians On Star Wars Toy In Florida Walmart

The Smoking Gun website has posted an affidavit describing a particularly skeevy toy aisle incident in a Florida Walmart. A man allegedly took a copy of the February Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue over to the toy aisle, then masturbated to it in front of the Star Wars toys. When he was done, according to a Walmart employee who witnessed the incident, he wiped his hand on a nearby toy; a police source who spoke with TSG says it was a Star Wars lightsaber.

Here’s what the employees working in the toy section reported to the police officer dispatched to the scene. Don’t read the next paragraph if you don’t want to accidentally come across the phrase “erect penis” in an otherwise normal sentence.

[Employee #1] said she rounded the corner and observed a male wearing a red shirt and khaki pants standing with his erect penis out of his pants. … [An Asset Protection Supervisor stated] the defendant ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor. He said the defendant then discarded the magazine behind some toys and proceeded to the front of the store.

“Cleanup In Aisle Three” [The Smoking Gun] (Thanks to David!)

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  1. lodleader says:

    wtf is wrong with people now-a-days…

    Zeus help me, I can’t take my son anywhere… and he loves star wars

    (for the record I’m 26 and hes almost 4)

    • dg says:

      That’s exactly what I was thinking. I know that WallyWorld is nasty to begin with, and doesn’t really attract some of the brightest bulbs in the pack (cf People of WalMart), but what kind of imbecile confuses WallyWorld with a peep show booth?

      Oh wait… my bad, nevermind.

  2. unchainedmuse says:

    Nasty!

  3. eccsame says:

    Gross! They have 7 month old magazines at Walmart!?!

  4. apd09 says:

    I think this is one case where making your own at home is probably the right thing to do.

  5. digital0verdose says:

    How horney do you have to be to tug one out in a Wal-Mart. Humans are truly a strange species.

    • Oranges w/ Cheese says:

      Think about the weird fetishes that are out there. It’s possible he was hoping a child would interrupt him – its also possible he gets off on Obiwan Kenobi. No idea. The fact he needed an adult magazine though maybe he wanted to see the kids. Either way, disturbing, but he’d have been better off doing it at home.

    • Gulluc says:

      Are you stating that you think a monkey is above masturbating in a Walmart? You should see those things misbehave with an audience at the zoo!

  6. Oranges w/ Cheese says:

    Why!?

    This and the stories of people smearing poo all over bathrooms. I don’t understand, I really don’t.

    • apd09 says:

      You don’t understand why people do it, or how this is considered a Consumerist worthy story?

      • Oranges w/ Cheese says:

        I dunno, the message “watch out for semen at walmart” (which is, consequently, why I shop at Meijer) is pretty consumer notice-worthy.

        However, I do not understand how people can be so disgusting and.. disgusting that they think wiping cum on toys is acceptable and painting the walls with shit is also acceptable.

        • Snaptastic says:

          I tend to believe that this is part of the problem with failing to cull the stupid/defunct members of the populace before they breed (or grow to adulthood).

        • layton59 says:

          Your local Meijer’s is not any different that your local Wal-Mart. It is open to the same population. Sidebar story: A few years ago, I had to deal with the rudeist customer service lady of all time at a Meijer’s. Since Meijer’s is unionized I wondered if complaining to a superior would have made a difference?

  7. PunditGuy says:

    We have to find a happy medium between institutionalization and mainstreaming. We’ve swung too far in the mainstreaming direction.

    • OnePumpChump says:

      Mainstreaming is cheaper in all bleeding-heart liberal areas, and more expensive in all the manly tough-on-crime areas.

  8. diasdiem says:

    Insert your own Force Choke joke here.

  9. Rocket says:

    Umm…..WTF? Why don’t you just buy the magazine, and… have fun… at home?

    • Julia789 says:

      The swimsuit magazine was likely a “cover story” to keep them from knowing he’s a child molester. His real intent was probably to whack off while looking at children’s toys and hope a child walked over and saw him. He needs to be sent to an institution.

      It’s like those guys that walk into a porn shop and buy one issue of “jugs magazine” and place it on top of a stack of whatever magazines they are really buying, which they are ashamed of. It’s a cover for anyone looking. “Oh look I’m just a red-blooded American male ha ha.”

      • DariusC says:

        Really… most of us would not think that deeply… erm….

      • eccsame says:

        A better analogy would be the kid buying a comb, some beef jerky, and some gum to cover his purchase of a bottle of Old Harper. For those of us who don’t frequent porn shops, at least.

  10. Blueberry Scone says:

    “observed a male wearing a red shirt and khaki pants “

    They’re sure he’s not a Target employee, right?

    • GuyGuidoEyesSteveDaveâ„¢ says:

      My first thought as well.

    • BfloAnonChick says:

      I thought the exact same thing!

    • dg says:

      Shit, now that you mention it, I guess it does sound like an episode of Chuck gone wrong… Target v. WalMart – “Yeah, well screw THEM over there at the WalMart. They pissed in the slurpies, we’re just gonna go teach them a lesson on the Star Wars display! Right before their big Star Wars Sale too…”

  11. Skellbasher says:

    I don’t want to be too cynical, but this came out last week.

    In addition, what consumer related issue does this address? Is this a warning that you may come across serial perverts throwing baby batter while shopping?

    I’d hope we can leave stuff like this to other sites, and not put it on The Consumerist.

    • apd09 says:

      +1

    • The hand that feeds, now with more bacon says:

      dn’t wnt t b t cncl, bt ths cm t lst wk.

      n ddtn, wht cnsmr rltd ss ds ths ddrss? s ths wrnng tht m cm crss srl prvrts thrwng bb bttr whl shppng?

      d hp w cn lv stff lk ths t thr sts, nd nt pt t n Th Cnsmrst.

    • caradrake says:

      As someone who lives in Florida, with a child that loves Star Wars… I find this to be pretty important to me as a consumer….

      • Anonymously says:

        I don’t think think that businesses need to make explicit policies about this contingency, which is really pretty rare. I don’t think we’re witnessing a case of mass lightsaber polishing, but rather an isolated incident.

  12. HoJu says:

    I blame the internets.

  13. There's room to move as a fry cook says:

    Schwing: the sound a sword makes as it is being removed from its sheath.

  14. Anonymously says:

    For some reason the song “Come on Eileen” is going through my head now.

  15. UCLAri: Allergy Sufferer says:

    Hopefully he didn’t bend his wookie.

  16. Applekid ┬──┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ) says:

    Come now, there are no midichlorians in semen. They are all inherited from the mother’s side.

    *music cue* The more you know…

  17. APlusAuto says:

    Of course this happens in Florida ::Hangs Head in Shame::

  18. HogwartsProfessor says:

    I have to say, the headline made me chuckle.

  19. zantafio says:

    knowing the Florida judicial system and its christian Taliban type Attorney General, this guy is going to spent a very very long time in jail.

    • nbs2 says:

      Whether or not the AG is a hyperbole, the guy does merit a solid jail term (certainly longer than a kid found with pot in the WM parking lot).

  20. JasonR says:

    “Excuse me, sir… I need to see a receipt for that thing.”
    “But I came in here with it!”

  21. Happy Tinfoil Cat says:

    Wal*mart

    nuff said

  22. MercuryPDX says:

    And he’s a substitute teacher? Hopefully not any longer after this incident.

  23. Rachacha says:

    There are so many jokes in this short story that I don’t know where to begin:

    The “Asset Protection Supervisor” found the guy
    Using “The Force”
    Cleaning up using a Lightsaber

    On the plus side, at least he was using the SI swimsuit edition rather than simply watching customers go by.

  24. arsenicookie says:

    Just another day in any Walmart in Florida.

  25. swarrior216 says:

    Happened at a Walmart in Florida. Doesn’t surprise me.

  26. loquaciousmusic says:

    Hey, it makes sense: an “Asset Protection Manager” is, after all, in charge of reducing shrink.

  27. AllanG54 says:

    This wasn’t Pee Wee Herman, right?

  28. phonic says:

    Living in the part of Florida where this happened (I’m about 30 miles away) this guy is a teacher which makes it way worse. The local news here (www.newscoast.com) he claims the magazine made him horny and he had to “take care of business.” This is just one really sick guy.

    • Conformist138 says:

      And his first thought wasn’t, you know… a bathroom? Or a dressing room? Or just about any location that ISN’T children’s toys?

  29. JayPhat says:

    Meh, my wife worked for the Mart and saw this in ’03. She had to go to court over it because the guy said “that never happened.” Yes, we make up stories about guys walking around with the genitalia hanging out, then getting they’re jollies off in the bra’s. She said the worst part was that she had to say penis about 25 times in court. The best part was when the cops came to arrest him, he still had it partially hanging out.

  30. JoeDawson says:

    Maybe he was a student at Penn State and had no where else to go?

    http://failblog.org/2010/09/16/epic-fail-photos-dorm-life-fail/

  31. The Marionette says:

    You’d think hicks such as the man in the story would’ve just went to the bathroom at the very least and went into a stall that had a door on it, but of course that’s too much to ask.

  32. sopmodm14 says:

    wow, thats pretty dispicable

  33. MarvinMar says:

    No Second Release For Man Nabbed In Notorious Walmart Incident

    * 5Share
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    Comments: (1)

    Three days after getting collared for a notorious public display of affection at Walmart, a Florida man remains jailed, apparently unable to post the small bond that would secure his freedom.

    William Tyler Black, 28, was busted Tuesday afternoon for the now-famous incident involving a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, a “Star Wars” lightsaber, and bodily fluid expelled onto the toy aisle’s floor.

    Sarasota County jail records show that Black, a substitute teacher who likely won’t see the inside of a classroom anytime soon, is being held in lieu of $2000 bond. A bail bondsman usually requires a defendant to post 10 percent of the bond amount in cash to secure their release.

    Black is scheduled for an October 15 Circuit Court arraignment.