Have your friends been laid off recently? Of course they have, almost nobody has a job anymore! Complaining about society’s newfound poverty, however, is apparently a violation of eHarmony’s terms of service, as the East Village Idiot recently discovered.

After revising my profile, I decided I’d try to add a bit of personality to these responses. For example, I answered:

Three things I am most thankful for:

1. Having a supportive family, i.e. my mom, who makes a mean chicken soup
2. Having great friends who have helped me through the thick, the thin, and the cheese-stuffed

   This didn’t last long, because two minutes after submitting these responses, I got this e-mail:

   Dear Chris,

   During regular site maintenance, we noticed some content written by you that violates our terms and conditions. Here is what we found:

   {ABOUT ME} Having a job, given the way I watch a friend get laid off nearly every week lately

   Because this violates the terms and conditions that you accepted when you joined eHarmony, we have turned off your matching. You will not receive any further matches.

   Yes, “get laid” is a phrase that is absolutely banned on eHarmony. Never mind that the next word is “off.” Never mind that the words preceding it as “watch a friend.” Oh, well, yeah, that’s pretty dirty. But if I was into that sort of thing, wouldn’t my matches have a right to know?

3. Having a job, given the way I watch a friend get laid off nearly every week lately

Eh, it’s for the best. eHarmony’s “patented Compatibility Matching System,” widely feared for its crusading religious zeal, only found two available matches for Chris, and both of them lived far, far away in New Jersey.

At least he was taking advantage of eHarmony’s free trial instead of paying for the full below-the-bible-belt experience.

The 24 Hours I Spent as an eHarmony Member [East Village Idiot]

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