Alert: You Cannot Buy Consumerist With Doodle Money

Our post last Friday gave people some great business ideas. We appreciate the offers, but we must insist that you do not try to purchase Consumerist with doodle currency that you have minted yourself, probably while drinking. You can, however, try to bail out the auto industry with it if you want.

Dear Ben,

We have recently attempted to purchase the Consumerist (please see below). We are concerned that our offer is not being taken seriously. We have recently taken on increasing financial backing. Please see here: http://blog.3bulls.net/?p=2216

Here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/32478419@N05/3035979777/

And Here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/32478419@N05/3037767183/

You will note the latter is a very valuable, in fact almost priceless, image of a spider playing Wii. I trust we will be able to wrap up this sale in due course. We will make every effort to gainfully employ all Consumerist employees with no changes. Salaries of course will be in spider money equivalents. We assume this will entail almost no lifestyle changes for you and your employees.

Best,
P. Punko

Here’s the original offer referenced above, which was sent to Gaby:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing to inquire as the the purchase price of the website “Consumerist.” I am wanting to inquire if the commenters will also be included in the purchase? Is it possible that they will not be included for a discount? I think I can automate the Consumerist commenting using a simple algorithm. First, I will have one commenter complain that it is the consumers fault, whatever the problem may be. Second I will have another commenter call someone a “jackass” for yelling at a customer service rep. Finally I will have another commenter alternately post “buyer beware” and “caveat emptor.” Unfortunately, I do not have any funds available for the purchase at the moment. I do however, have a drawing of a spider, that I would like to provide for the purchase price. I think you will find its value will match that which you place on the Consumerist.



Kind regards,

P. Punko, Esq.
blog.3bulls.net

Another interested party named Michael is so busy producing money that he has no time for commas and that is why you can read his email which we have reprinted below very fast:

Dear consumerist,

After reading about the man who tired to pay his bill with a drawing of a spider I wish to purchase the consumerist with this drawing of a caterpillar which I value at about 62 million dollars should you accept my offer I promise to make drawings for all the employees daily which would range from stick figures to various animals and plants as you can tell I am quite the artist.


Regards,
Michael

Comments

Edit Your Comment

  1. TecmoTech says:

    Is the Consumerist logo SRV?

  2. avenger339 says:

    First order of business – ‘shop the “DO NOT SPEND” out of the spider.

    UNLIMITED MONEY

  3. InThrees says:

    Dear Friend:

    I am interested in purchasing your Consumerist but I live in foreign location. I have already arranged shipping but need you to pay them for me. I will send a certified money check order for 1.21 jiggadollars, which you can cash at your bank. Keep your purchase price for Consumerist and then pay the shipper out of the difference, and keep the rest.

  4. Burgandy says:

    Classic.

  5. fonetek says:

    Damn nigerian scam….

    Beat me to it!

  6. Segador says:

    The spider only has 7 legs- which, as already discussed, negates the spider as legal tender. It needs at least one more leg.

  7. Spin359 says:

    I offered $10,000 cash. I will now Offer $15,000 Cash. Real offer.

    • TheRedSeven says:

      @Spin359: You’re giving out $15,000 in cash? I’ll take it!

      Please send to:

      Henry Paulson
      Secretary of the Treasury
      Department of the Treasury
      1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
      Washington, D.C. 20220

      Thanks Much for your Support of the Bailout!

  8. Gatcha_Journalism says:

    So a drawing of currency would be out of the question?

  9. MostlyHarmless says:

    *Facepalm*

    But a good joke nonetheless. It would have been much funnier if better times I guess.

  10. Rectilinear Propagation says:

    You can, however, try to bail out the auto industry with it if you want.

    Someone give me the e-mail addresses for the executives at GM! I’ll be a freaking HERO!

  11. Liam Kinkaid says:

    Caveat emptor!

  12. SegamanXero says:

    Aww damn and i was gonna send in my Spider cash too…

  13. Mistrez_Mish says:

    Go with the caterpillar! It’s worth far more than the spider

  14. ZukeZuke says:

    Thanks for the laughs, great way to start Monday morning! :)

  15. Bargaineering.com says:

    Just use rorschach ink blots next time, by this standard they’re priceless!

  16. RandomHookup says:

    Does the offer include all the vowels you have been saving up from disemvoweling commenters?

  17. Trickery says:

    Some bloggers trying to promote their site using unoriginal spider money jokes.

    >.>

  18. Hijakk says:

    So, if Consumerist shuffles off this mortal coil, I think Ben and everyone should start their own, new super blog called “The Consumering” or “The Consumerlist”, or something of that nature.

    You can do it!

  19. coren says:

    This is all the OP’s fault guys, that’ spretty clear

  20. blockbustarhymes says:

    I invested long on spiders last month. And man is it paying off or what?

    As long as jeff bridges and john goodman don’t show up, I think I’ll survive this recession and do just fine.

  21. azzy says:

    Since the for sale post isn’t up anymore, does that mean Consumerist has a possible offer? Ooh, gossip!

  22. Anonymous says:

    Shorter Gawker: “your filthy spider money is no good to us.”

    Caveat emptor indeed. Our love for the Consumerist knows no bounds, not even the bounds of unwise spider money leveraged takeovers. It worked for Lehman, for awhile at least.

    -P. Punko

  23. dweebster says:

    Ok, then. How about a few thousand in Logitech and other CPG rebate checks then?

  24. mike says:

    Has there been any serious offers Chris?

    • Chris Walters says:

      @mike: I have no idea. I’m just subbing for Meg today/tomorrow. I too noticed the “for sale” post was gone but don’t have any insider info.

  25. waybaker says:

    I have 1000 shares of Circuit City stock. Will that be enough?

  26. Triborough says:

    How about I trade you something for it.

  27. LogicalOne says:

    I blame the OP…

    Ben, if you’d have had a “Best Company in America” tournament instead of a “Worst,” you would have had scads of advertisers. Instead, you antagonized Best Buy, Comcast, Bank of America, etc.

    Imagine if Circuit City were able to display “Best Company in America – as named by Consumerist.com” in their advertising! How much ad placement do you think they’d have done with you?

    Or:

    “Hello, this is Lehman Brothers. We’d like to place a ‘Thank-You for Voting Us Best Company in America’ ad on your site. What’s that, $100 million per ad inch? No problem. We’ll take three.”

  28. fleebailey33 says:

    Put the site on ebay?

  29. ExtraCelestial says:

    “so busy producing money that he has no time for commas”

    Chris, we’ve missed you!

  30. conintern says:

    Alex Jarvis, Consumerist Intern.

    They… They pay me in doodles. But, I mean… the doodles are very well designed.

  31. albear says:

    Can I buy it and pay with a picture of a spider 3x bigger than the one talked about here earlier?

  32. nsv says:

    Chris,

    Send me your bank information and I will transfer the sum of US$21,300,000.00 to your account immediately.

    Please note that this transaction is 100% safe. And spider free.

    Honest. Thanks.

  33. Trai_Dep says:

    On Chris’ delicious reappearance: the greatest trick that Chris ever pulled was convincing Nick Denton that he didn’t exist…

  34. twophrasebark says:

    I am selling spider paper backed derivatives. I am using the word derivative so you know that this must be some fancy financial instrument. Unlike some of the failed monetary schemes of late, you can come to my house and see the spiders yourself.

    That’s right. These are actual spiders. On paper.

    What else can you ask for?

  35. goodpete says:

    @avenger339: I don’t think you have a firm understanding of how money works. Honestly.

    If I were to take the time to use Photoshop to remove the “do not spend” from the Spider drawing, I would have the value of a single spider drawing (worth somewhere between $100 and $62,000,000). While that may be a lot of money, it’s not “unlimited.” I would still only have a single spider drawing.

    However, if I find I can Photoshop the “do not spend” out of the spider drawings at a rate of 1 per 3 hours, I could be on my way to making between $250 and $155,000,000 a day.

    It may be good money, but it’s certainly not “unlimited”… /sigh!

  36. jchabotte says:

    jchabotte: Is this website fifteen thousand dollars?

    Ben Popken: It is now. And because of your loss, folks, I’ll throw in the undercoating for two hundre– no, four hundred and ninety bucks!

    jchabotte: What a deal! I’d be a sucker not to get it!

  37. kyle4 says:

    Chris is back, and I’m going to miss posts like these. I wish someone really sticks it to Nick Denton, the greedy bastard.

  38. AoE says:

    @undefined: Hey… um, does anyone know when the spider meme is going to die? It was funny the first time… and that was about it.

    P. Punko & Michael, please look into being genuinely witty and creative (as original spider drawing guy was)… if you had, you might have been the new owners of Consumerist by now ;)