Like so many of us, Stewart at My Family’s Money has always wanted to own a monkey. His reasoning is sound: “They are ridiculously awesome and having one as a pet would be even more awesome.” Stewart decided it would be a good idea to estimate the total lifetime cost of owning a monkey. We think he’s playing a little fast and loose with the numbers, but then again where do you go to get hard stats on monkey ownership? Not from our lazy Census takers, that’s for sure.
Stewart is a realist: he admits that there are definitely some high costs associated with monkey ownership. But he also considers the fact that a monkey can be an investment if properly trained. You know, to ride dogs and stuff:
The only reason you have a monkey as a pet is to train it to do cool things. These cool things can also earn you money, if you know how to crack the competitive birthday party/rodeo market. Lets assume that my monkey isn’t smart enough to be a public spectacle until he is 5 years old and I put him out to stud for the last two years of his life. That leaves me about 10 years of use out of the monkey.
We think Stewart’s post is “ridiculously awesome,” but we also love the humorless commenter on his site who reminds us all that “Monkeys are not pets”:
Just last week a little boy here was bitten to the bone and seriously injured by his family’s “pet” lemur.
Whatever. That lemur was probably just angry he didn’t have chaps and a tiny dwarf border collie to ride.
“Pet Monkeys – The Financial Considerations” [My Family's Money]
(Photos: monkey riding dog: I Fought the Law; monkey pants: scottobear)
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The one reason not to get a monkey:
Herpes B.
Nasty.
Yeah, my husband was obsessed with getting a pet monkey for a while. Information like this dissuaded him:
[primatesanctuary.tripod.com]
[exoticpets.about.com]
best article ever on consumerist. ever.
@cronick: Yes. It is a fact that living things exist in my home only for my amusement. Why else would I permit their continued existence?
yeah, any animal that finds flinging its own shit at passersby is hysterical is NOT a pet. It’s a menace.
Dogs can do alot of things primates can’t such as respond to human gestures and even pick up on human eye movements. Not to mention the fact that canids (dogs, foxes, wolves, coyotes) have been shown to be rediculously easy to domesticate. And if you put a piece of rope around your fridge handle you can train your dog to fetch you a beer…longnecks only though. Then there’s undying loyalty that pet monkeys just don’t have.
My ex husband had two monkeys years and years ago.
They make horrible pets.
See:
The Perils of Keeping Monkeys as Pets
[news.nationalgeographic.com]
They are dirty and needy and once they grow into adulthood, they are no longer cute, really violent, and nasty.
Jim Jones, the minister who founded the Peoples Temple church/cult where he easily convinced all his members to move to Guyana and then drink some poisoned juice where some 900 people died, sold pet monkeys door-to-door to raise the startup funds for the church. So, monkeys can serve a useful purpose.
This could totally be an investment. All you would need is a street organ, and a funny little costume complete with a cap.
How about a monkey riding a little bike?
This was from an amusement park in Vietnam. The monkeys were ridiculously awesome. The trainers were not.
Alas, primates are violent and psychotic, generally. Everything but gorillas(of some sorts anyway) and bonobos, it seems. Why, why must our ancestors be just like us?
Are people really missing the point of the post?
The question isn’t whether monkeys make good pets or not (the answer is no, they make GREAT pets, bartenders, babysitters whateverthefuck you want them to be). No, point of this post, and the original post, is that too many people focus on the price tag, and not on the total cost of ownership and the true value of the purchase.
Replace “monkey” with “automobile” or “laptop computer” or “desert island”, and maybe you’ll understand why a post about monkey ownership is posted at a personal finance blog and linked by a consumer blog.
Sheesh.
@TinyBug: Did he say Overlords? He meant protectors.
@spinachdip: I replaced monkey with desert island, now see what happened!
+ Watch video
This isn’t funny, this isn’t cool. Monkeys are wild animals that belong in the wild.
I’m waiting for the brand-new mini-pig: [abcnews.go.com]
The Consumerist needs to do a review of those guys! Please?
Am I the only one who sees a resemblance, including the faux cowboy wear, to our illustrious Prez? Can’t you just see the thought bubble about the little guy’s head “Mission accomplished.. yee haw!”
@humphrmi: Weasels might not make good pets but apparently they make good presidents!! (rim shot)
Whatev. The border collie is the brains of this operation, anyhow. Buy a border collie. It’s the dog that will make you feel stupid.
I know a lot of people think they are special or different and will take this as more of a challenge than anything, but damn, do not keep a monkey as a pet. My friend’s sister had one and the thing crapped everywhere, spread crap everywhere, stunk, broke everything it could get its claws on and generally made life hell in that house. You’ll hate the thing within a week.
Me 30 seconds ago: Consumerist has a “BIRTHDAY PARTIES” category? Awesome!
Me 28 seconds ago: Doh!
@shoegazer: Did he say Overlords? He meant protectors.
Hah. Excellent.
It pleases me that Coultons music is getting more popular
Funny, a few weeks ago I put in a request for time off at work. Since there’s no one else to cover my position while I’m gone, I put in “well trained monkeys”. My boss wanted the cost analysis of that. I cost more than well trained spider monkeys, but less than a chimp.
@freshyill: Border collies are too smart for most people to have as pets. They were bred to work, and they get bored very easily if they don’t have a job to do. Bored smart dog = trouble. (For more, see [www.glenhighlandfarm.com])
I tried to stifle myself, but I have to say it: Lemurs and chimpanzees are not monkeys. (Lemurs are prosimians, and chimps are apes.) None of them make good pets.
We’ll make great pets.
I’ll date myself. I had a pet monkey as a kid. After all Gov. George Wallace had one according to the ad in the comic book that I bought one from. It had to be shipped by truck. I guess the truck driver couldn’t believe what he was delivering. God my parents indulged me. Now I have children. The monkey was less trouble.
Consumerist: Monkeys Bite Back
I only want a monkey because then I could smoke a pipe with it and look smart.
Bitches love monkeys.
@MrEvil:
“yeah, any animal that finds flinging its own shit at passersby is…a menace.”
I am _not_ a menace. Just easily entertained.
A pet monkey is like having a toddler for 30 or 40 years. Lots to consider before buying one!
If I had a pet monkey, I’d pin an American flag on its chest then train it to post pro-Corporation comments on The Consumerist blog. It’d be a slight improvement of what we get now…
@ninabi: “The one reason not to get a monkey: Herpes B. Nasty.”
My gawd. Exactly what do you plan on using your monkey for?!
@magnus150: rock on man..Im with you on this one
save a monkey, adopt a retard.
1) Do you eaven have to ask? Yes, you should.
2) Don’t fear the lemur horror stories, lemurs aren’t monkeys. They are evil 2nd cousins.
3) Make sure the Monkey you buy isn’t mispelled or mislabelled. If it has 2 “e”s in its name, or responds to ‘Davy Jones,’ or ‘Mickey Dolenz’, make sure its the one you want. These may be able to play the little street organ better than most, but may also try to sing.
If I had a million dollars, I’d buy you a monkey. Haven’t you always wanted a monkey???
@arby: Try having a border collie and a blue heeler. They herd the cat. My border collie is pretty low maintenance. He has a bowl that he chases around the yard and the blue heeler wants to play all the time, but he would rather lay in the sun than do any real work. Took him across the street to play with the cows one day, nothing. Took him to a pet fair with a bunch of kids doing tae kwon do demonstrations and he wanted to herd the kids! So at least I know I’ll have a good babysitter… Sometimes the parrot rides on his back like the monkey, but she can talk. Take that monkey! But my friend and her husband saw that monkey at a conference in DFW, they said he was awesome. The border collie ran under a trailer and tried to decapitate the monkey. Seriously though, pet ownership is a big deal. I’ve had my parrot for 21 years and she screams at 120 decibels for hours on end. I spend $400 a month on dog and cat food because some people decided to dump their animals at my house. It pisses me off to no end that people can’t take responsibility and spay and neuter their pets, or take care of them once they grow up. I volunteer at the shelter and I’ve seen litters of purebreds and herding dogs because people can’t take the time to train them properly and they tear everything up. When you go to the petstore (shame! you should be going to a shelter) you’re making a committment for 5-70 years, make sure your mature and financially well off enough to handle it.
Come on comment, show up already.
I am an athlete in the UUFC (Underground Ultimate Fighting Championship) . I have little experience with monkeys, however, I regularly engage in steel-cage gorilla death matches. Two “Warriors” walk into the steel-cage – only one comes out…..
My prowess in fighting gorillas might make me a person who could easily train a pet monkey.
@Trai_Dep: Evidently it has something to do with some guy named Herpes B. Nasty.