If you happened to work in a store, as I did, during the Rosie O’Donnell induced Tickle Me Elmo craze, you’ll understand my legitimate feelings of horror when confronted with people lining up to buy Elmo T.M.X. Announced today, Elmo T.M.X.’s (the X stands for X-treme) reveal ended “months of unprecedented secrecy that’s had the toy industry abuzz.”

Whatever. It’s a stuffed animal that rolls around and slaps its knee when you tickle it. Big deal. Rosie O’Donnell better keep her damn mouth shut. She probably still has no idea what hell she wrought in malls across this fair nation. And I’ve survived other crazes. I did Beanie Babies. I did Blues Clues. I did Titanic. I did Rugrats. I did “McDonald’s Beanie Babies” where I had people coming into my video store and asking if we sold “McDonald’s Beanie Babies.” No. We did not. We sold videos. And Pez.

But the worst was Tickle Me Elmo, which we did carry. We got exactly 2 of them and the store manager bought them both. Which meant I had to endure 2 months of this:

“Do you have any Tickle Me Elmos left?”
“No.”
“Will you hold one for me? When will you get more?”
“We won’t. This is a video store.”
“But, you don’t understand. I NEED one. They said you had them.”
“Sorry.”
“Can’t you order it?”
“No.”
“Your sign says Special Orders.”
“We don’t order toys.”
“Well, what the fuck do you suggest I do?”
“Maybe you should try Toys R Us.”
“They told me to come here.”
“Maybe you should try Marshall Field’s.”
“They told me to try Toys R Us.”

And on… And on…

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