New Oblong Oreos Made For Dunking

When I was a lad in the early 90′s, my friends and I were in perpetual fear of turning gay. We’d been told by many authority figures that one could somehow wake up and realize that they were gay, and so an elaborate system of early warning signs was passed into junior high dogma. For example, if you preferred to wear your watch on your right wrist, you were probably turning gay. The way you crossed your legs was also a signal of imminent homo-eroticism: the proper method was to balance one ankle on the opposing knee, giving proper breathing room to your elephantine testicular sack.

I did my best to avoid all of these telltale signs, until one day, in the school cafeteria, I dunked my Oreo into a glass of milk and my friend’s face went white. “Dude,” he whispered, looking over his shoulder frantically, “That’s gay.” That was the day that the rainbow entered my soul and I finally became tolerant of other sexual orientations. Because I’d rather be queer than eat my Oreo dry.

With that delightful personal anecdote out of the way, Kraft have announced the oblong Oreo cookie, made for easy dunking! Honestly, this is probably the best idea Oreo’s had in a long time — we weren’t big fans of their fluorescent orange Oreo campaigns. But an Oreo that can be easily shoved to sop up the last dregs of milk in a narrow glass… I’ve been waiting my whole life for this. Plus, it’s a edible symbol of your own enlightened sexual tolerance!

Kraft to try oblong version of Oreo made for dunking [Chicago Business]

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  1. Paul D says:

    Still no cure for cancer.

  2. airship says:

    This is a solution for something that wasn’t a problem. How many milk glasses are just too narrow to dunk a regular Oreo in? NONE!

  3. Bubba Barney says:

    I think the point is as the milk recedes, it’s harder to jam your paw down to the bottom for one final dunk.

    The anecdote is funny, but what makes me wonder, is if these oblong Oreo’s will be phallic shaped [round at the edges, long in the middle. Then that would be really gay.

  4. AcidReign says:

    …..Dunking? Ewww. Then you end up with gritty gray milk, too! I’m so straight, I don’t even twist my oreo apart. The whole double-stuff will fit in my mouth, and disappear in seconds, with no crumbs! Of course, I won’t eat oreos at all unless I’ve got full tooth-brushing facilities readily available! I hate living with that black crud jammed down in my molars for hours!

  5. I agree with Bubba Barney. If dunking Oreos is gay, then it should be a lot easier for me to get a date! Using Oreos during sex, though? Now that’s gay! :)

  6. x23 says:

    “The way you crossed your legs was also a signal of imminent homo-eroticism”

    i cross my legs when sitting at times… not because i am turning into a gay like so many caterpillars to moths… but because it gives off an austere and pretentious yet somewhat mischievous demeanor. like i’m up to something.

    seriously. look at how many Bond villians… or movie villians in general cross their legs. you want to call them gay? of course not!