• Today’s Woot!, the Mag KleerDrain Instant Drain Opener. At 20 bucks, this is an affordable tool to unclog your drains of the fetid slurry that congeals after feeding the disembodied limbs of your loved ones down the garbage disposal.
• The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer is on sale at Amazon for $94.50. Plug it in, plonk it upon a zombie cranium and watch as a frothy glass of cerebral juice spurts out of the patented, easy-clean funnel. Just don’t drink it.
• Also on Amazon, the Zelco 14000 Multi Purpose Food Tool. Multi-use, you can plunge the phillipshead screwdriver shaft deep into a deceased love one’s ear canal even as you twist the corkscrew counter-clockwise through a zombie eye. And the built-in can opener means you’ll never have to bash that tin of beans with a rock again.
Highlights from Dealhack
• Four for the price of one lead-lined coffin deal. Don’t have the guys to put a bullet through the head of a loved one? Entomb them forever instead!
• The apocalypse can be lonely for the red-blooded survivor. Don’t sink to dancing and romancing the dead. Avail yourself of Fleshlight.com’s Blow-Out sale! Remember: some moist jelly holes are more accomodating and lifeless than others.