Wal-Mart Spring Break! WOOOOO!

(D’oh! Brownlee is an idiot. This is one of our few duplicate stories, the unfortunate consequence of having two writers working thousands of miles away from one another. But we’re going to leave it up as it gives us another ace-in-the-hole for when Brownlee greedily starts slobbering for an undeserved raise.

If you need a new take on this story, commenter Fairytale for Los Angeles points out that Henry Rollins has been suggesting this same thing for awhile now, possibly as a Morgan Spurlock ‘documentary’. God, let’s hope not.)

Although we’re quick to forget it here, not everyone hates Wal-Mart. Take Skyler Bartels, a twenty-two year old writing major who decided to spend his spring break living at Wal-Mart. He wanted to see if it was true that you could take care of all your corporeal and consumer needs at Wal-Mart. And apparently, it’s almost true.

During Bartel’s stay, he watched Chicken Little. He met a nun. He was almost recruited by an Army Sargent, who claimed he had what it takes because he had a good posture and “didn’t look sad”. He watched two birds fly into the store and eat grapes in the produce section. He became proficient at sleeping on the toilet. He met two greasy-looking crazed psychos who wandered in at 2am with vacant stares and drugged-out shivers to buy hallucinogenic children’s movies. He learned how to play a 360 boxing game. He even applied for a position at Wal-Mart. Hey, why not? Bartels was already living there.

Naturally, Wal-Mart wasn’t pleased when they found out. “We weren’t aware of this,” said corporate spokeswoman Sharon Weber, “but it’s not something we condone. We’re a retailer, not a hotel.” Gee, Wal-Mart: we think you’re missing yet another area for expansion here.

Spring break at Wal-Mart [WBIR]

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  1. Fairytale of Los Angeles says:

    I went to a Henry Rollins show in San Diego earlier this year; Rollins brought up this exact experiment, only he posited that it’d run for a longer period (six months? I think?)…

    and that Morgan Spurlock should make his next movie about it. Just to see what sort of subhuman creature he’d become living in a Wal-Mart for a protracted period.

    I have to wonder if Mr. Bartels is a Rollins fan.

  2. snazz says:

    didnt you already report about this a few days ago?

  3. snazz says:

    you already wrote an entry about this like 3 days ago….

  4. RandomHookup says:

    Would this Army Sargent be Sergeant Sargent? Almost as good an Army name as Major Major.

  5. Paul D says:

    What, exactly, constitutes a “hallucinogenic children’s movie”?

  6. AcidReign says:

    …..When my mom took me to see “Mary Poppins” in the theater when I was a toddler, that definitely qualified. The original “Willy Wonka” was probably the most hallucinogenic. I always felt cheated, though, when nobody died in those things! The Fizzy Lifting scene with the giant ceiling fan would have been SO much better if, say, squeaky Violet had been too lady-like to burp, and had thus been chopped up into candied bits!

  7. Bubba Barney says:

    Especially in Wonka when the image of the rooster flashed behind them when they are in the tunnel. I think there were flashes of violent scenes too. Maybe that was in the movie I saw.

  8. Bubba Barney says:

    The showed the Simpsons here last night where Bart and Millhouse get stuck in a mall during spring break. One of the best episodes ever.