We’re so weary of those “disembodied digits/appendages/orifices in my fast food” stories. Not the stories per se — there’s something inherently fascinating about the chain of events that could lead, say, a human nose to be served up in an ice cream sundae. There are so many questions to ask: how did it get there? Was it placed there by some insidious Dairy Queen design, or did someone just sneeze really hard over the Flurry machine that morning? Such questions are the foundation of human inquiry and great journalism.
So we love the stories – we’re just sick and tired of it always being some inevitable trailer trash scam. So when we were forwarded a story that promised a human penis found in a convenient store microwave, we knew it was fake. Men just don’t frivolously detach their penises, let alone mistake them for the frozen burrito they are microwaving at their local 7-11. Eyebrow arched in journalistical aplomb, we clicked the link with skepticism.
And we were right. The penis is fake. But that’s the story, and it’s a doozy. In a Pennsylvania Get Go mini-mart, a shifty-eyed couple asked the attendant if they could warm something up in the microwave. Alerted by a terrible odor (our favorite part of the story), the clerk investigated and discovered that the couple was microwaving a fake, urine-filled penis in the hopes of thwarting a drug test. Get Go is quick to assure its valued patrons that the microwave was retired from service immediately thereafter.
Some of the comments at the end of the story, from random individuals believing the penis to be real, are pretty mystifying though: “It’s shocking that I’m not (surprised). It’s just the nature of the beast.” Um, what beast? The catch-your-penis-in-the-microwave-door beast? Cohort of Cerberus, no doubt.