As usual, parody news site The Onion has managed to produce fake news that tells the truth better than actual facts can. This week’s radio newsflash: not satisfied with charging us fees to receive statements, use tellers, use ATMs, have accounts, and transfer funds, banks will now automatically charge us seventy-flve cents to use the word “bank.” That sentence cost me $1.50.
Jeremy’s iPad 2 has been backordered, and he has to wait another month or so to receive it. That’s okay, though. They sent along his Smart Cover in advance, and he’s found at least as many uses for the cover as he would have had for the iPad. Kind of.
Ladies and gentlemen of business, it’s our proud honor to welcome you, your staff, your customers and your CEO to the opening of the 6th annual Worst Company In America tournament! It’s a knockdown drag out battle to the death. 32 companies go in, but only one can come out. It’s like Highlander, Battle Royale, the Hunger Games, and Survivor all rolled into one delicious, much-less-profitable package. So without further ado, let us turn it over to a silly video of Ben Popken playing basketball.
You know, a lot of those “New Uses For XYZ Random Item” stories magazines come up with are really pretty stupid, but I hate rust rings on my bathtub and I am incapable of remembering that they will happen if I leave the shaving cream just sitting there.
If you have an extra $2,000 in your home entertainment budget, consider investing it in the 12-meter AudioQuest Coffee cable. Oh, sure, it’s not for everyone, but online customer reviews report life-changing and scientifically impossible experiences that you just can’t get with your ordinary $5 HDMI cable.
Woman’s Day has rounded up some of the more silly of the fine-print warnings appearing on products. You know, those one’s like on the kid’s Batman cape where it says, “Warning: Cape does not enable wearer to fly.” I think my favorites are the “Terrestrial Digital Outdoor Antenna which warns “Do not attempt to install if drunk, pregnant, or both.” And of course there’s the iPod shuffles’, “Do not eat iPod shuffle.” Gotta love lawyers.
Do your friends without iPhones wonder why you randomly send them texts with the word “utter” or “boner” in them? The answer, as you’ve explained over and over again, is iPhone auto-correct.
In an encouraging step, Sears has made its merchandise and web shopping experience more accessible to a marginalized population that most retailers ignore: zombies. They’ve even translated the site into Zombian. As they put it, “Zerger bargarz zambah barg!” Yes.
Look, there’s nothing really to report here other than lots of people are scared of this commercial, and I’m one of them. That’s clearly what they were going for, so bravo to you, Snickers.
A reader bought this box of condoms from her local Safeway, and she says this sticker was underneath the outer packaging. People be freaky, but is there anyone who would want a raw chicken condom that you have to keep frozen until use? (Meh, probably.)
Great news, easily confused consumers! General Mills has forced the local Utah bakery “My Dough Girl” to change its name so you won’t confuse their hand-crafted specialty cookies with the Pillsbury Doughboy. The company sent the two-year-old local bakery a cease and desist letter complete with a gag order explaining that the bakery could “tarnish the company’s reputation.”
The best way to understand Geek Squad is to realize that they will help you with anything if it means they can charge you a fee. Want batteries in your remote control? Having trouble putting a USB plug into its port? Need to know the time? OPTIMIZE IT WITH GEEK SQUAD. Those are just solid business ideas and not (yet) actual services, but Geek Squad’s real offerings are almost as absurd. For example, Nate from the-digital-reader.com snapped this photo of their newish “eBook Device Setup” service for your Nook or Sony Reader, which promises to turn it on (“provide a functionality check”) and show you how to read (“what to expect when you take the device home”).
If you were at the fair this week in Jackson, Mississippi and saw a bunch of Toshiba laptops that you thought looked awfully like blocks of wood and paper binders, well, you were right. Two men were arrested after trying to sell the blocks of wood—which were covered in bubble wrap and secured with duct tape and Toshiba labels—to an off-duty state trooper.
The Goodwill in Washington Iowa fired a thirty-year-old employee with Down syndrome after his mother bought him a $3 shirt. Goodwill initially refused to sell the shirt because of a policy banning employees from making purchases on days they were working. Another employee intervened and approved the sale after the employee’s mother explained both that she was a family member and not an employee, and that the employee with Down syndrome had no interest in buying clothes. When the employee reported to work the next day, he was fired.
There should be more of this sort of thing going on.
A homeowner in Florida was awarded $187,000 in legal fees from a years-long court battle over the right to park a pick-up truck in his driveway. Now the homeowners association is going to have to pick up the tab for $300,000 in fees.