Look at what they did to Kool-Aid man. He started out as a giant jug of sugar water, busting through walls and letting you drink out of him, a seemingly never-ending supply of flavorful fun. Flash forward to today and his liquid stomach is stapled. How the hell are we supposed to have an all-afternoon sugar high off that teacup? And look what they did to his clothes. Instead of fruity nudity, fig leaves. And look how they foreshortened him to emphasize the fruit and berries in his hands. So now he’s tiny and modest and healthy. Yay, how awesome. How far we have fallen from Eden. After the jump, a cartoon rendering of Dane Cook’s Kool-Aid standup bit, which captures the essence of the original Kool-Aid man commercials in its own special way.