With our retinas conjoined by the royal ‘Consumerist’ we, Ben and I from a grotesque octo-occulus. That is to say: we’re both four-eyes…es. But while Ben dashes off to network interviews clad in dashing Gucci frames, my glasses have two different ear pieces and sit crookedly upon my face. One ear piece is superglued to the joint; the other floppily waggles back and forth on the left side of my cranium. A mere nod sends them rocketing off of my face at high velocity to maim innocent by-standers around me.