Thankfully, AdWeek’s David Griner was willing to put his stomach on the line for the sake of humanity, taste-testing each of the 11 items on the new bargain-basement menu and living long enough to write up his thoughts.
After investing his $12.99 in science, Griner headed home with, “two satisfyingly hefty sacks of warm, damp, processed food.”
Feel free to read his entire story — sure to be a James Beard award nominee — but we’ve got the highlights here:
On the Spicy Potato Soft Taco:
“It tastes like breakfast, but with lettuce.”
On the Cheese Roll-Up:
“It’s the kind of thing my 2-year-old would order, unroll out of curiosity and then slowly push toward the center of the table… This is the toast sandwich of Taco Bell cuisine.”
On the Cinnamon Twists:
“I’ve always liked these more in theory than in practice, and sure enough, they’re basically just packing peanuts dusted with sweetness.”
On the Caramel Apple Empanada:
“[Y]ou’d get more for your money with a fruit pie from a nearby gas station. (That might be the saddest sentence I’ve ever written.)”
On forcing himself to eat the Spicy Tostada despite being full:
“It’s earnestly good, but I’m officially in pain.”
It’s worth noting that Griner did not get the chance to test the one thing that vaguely interests me on the cheapo menu — the Cinnabon Delights 2-Pack, which he paid for but which mysteriously never made it home.