Listen, pizzas are for eating. Whatever else you do with them — and we won’t judge you but also do not necessarily want to know — you’re probably on your own, so far as injuries go. That being said, whoever runs the Domino’s UK Twitter account is more than patient than someone else might be when dealing with complaints of alleged burns incurred during pizza fornication.
In an exchange that could possibly be a joke and might definitely constitute “misuse of the pizza,” a customer who is just so darn mad that he burned his bits while he “made love” to a pizza unleashed a series of all caps tweets at Domino’s asking for advice.
“Hello I’ve just made love to one of your pizzas and burnt my penis severely. Please advise on your terms for a refund, thanks.”
At first the Twitter account just issues a standard response: “Please contact our head office – firstname.lastname@example.org regarding this matter.”
That’s not enough for the supposedly enraged customer, who goes on to call it a “fob off,” and says “your staff should inform customers about the dangers of making love to your pizza. Why is this not in place?”
And still, Domino’s maintains a straight Twitter face: “Our apologies, we will look for a way to notify customers of this in future. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.”
He goes on to outline the specific injuries he’s suffered during the ordeal, involving something about pepperoni and a scorched bit of anatomy that you can read on your own, if you’d like. Domino’s won’t take the bait, instead directing him again, to contact the head office.
But when the customer goes on to allege that the pizza now wants to get into some oral sex, and another Twitter user chimes in that he should really contact the “head” office (nudge nudge, wink wink), Domino’s reiterates its advice to do so.
It tweeted: “It is definitely recommended, as that is not what is expected of our pizzas. We raised them better than that!”
It’s not that Domino’s is mad at you, pizzas. It’s just… disappointed.
You can follow MBQ on Twitter where she will not ever claim to have had sexual relations with a pizza: @marybethquirk