How To Get Your Fatty Christmas Drink On, Or Not

One of the basic tenets of surviving December is that there must be enough alcohol to make the holidays, and the experience of answering “So, you’re still single?” for the eleventy billionth time, remotely tolerable. Getting fat during the festive season? That’s as unavoidable as your drunk Uncle Jim’s annual tradition of passing out under the Christmas tree, so why not tip the scale and get tipsy at the same time and get it over with?

The New York Daily News has assembled a round-up of highly caloric boozy holiday beverages, ostensibly to help all the fatty alcoholics out there from overdoing it, but we’re going to take it more as a To Definitely Do list, after we’ve cleaned out our nephew’s stocking of all candy and need to drown those December sorrows.

They also add suggestions on how to make the drinks healthier, but, whatever. Let’s get chubby!

1. Chocolate martini: 438 calories and 20 grams of fat.

“It’s due to all the cream and added sugar,” Montefiore Medical Center clinical dietitian Lauren Graf, MS, RD tells the NYDN. “And alcohol gets your appetite up so if you start out with a couple of these and then move on to the food, you’re getting a lot of calories.”

2. Egg nog: 343 calories and 19 grams of fat in one cup
This time, the health expert flat out tells you to get your face out of the trough.
“It’s not really something you want to drink, even though it is traditional at the holidays,” says Karen Congro, RD, CDN, nutritionist and director of The Wellness For Life Program at the Brooklyn Hospital Center.

If you do need to get your nog on, she suggests using skim milk, egg substitute and rum extract. Yum…?

3. Rum punch: 340 calories.

Use diet ginger ale and rum extract instead of sugary syrupy sweet things and actual booze. But really, who are these people to take the rum out of rum punch? And who likes/has rum extract?

4. Hot chocolate: 330 calories and 17 fat grams.

Enough is enough. Stop trying to ruin Christmas!

5. White Russian: 250 calories and 4 fat grams per 6 ounces

“Make it healthier by using evaporated skim milk for the cream,” Jax Hubbard, RD, of Long Island College Hospital said. “You still get the creamy consistency.”
Yes, because nothing says Christmas With The Dude like evaporated skim milk.

My advice? Just stick a candy cane in your whiskey and call it a day. Happy Holidays, everyone!

Most fattening holiday drinks; Avoid dessert drinks, cream, chocolate, egg nog [New York Daily News]


Edit Your Comment

  1. pop top says:

    “Fatty alcoholics”? I’m sure this was meant to be a joke, and if so, it’s a really shitty one.

  2. failurate says:

    Fat in a cup? I prefer my fat in the can.

  3. Hoss says:

    Cheers, but be safe all!

  4. aloria says:

    I swear to God, announcing to your family that you’re not interested in relationships, much less getting married and having kids, is almost as stressful as coming out of the closet. At least being gay doesn’t eliminate the prospect of grandchildren.

    • jesirose says:

      It should be stressful, because it’s kind of abnormal. It’s our nature to want to pair up and procreate. If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t want to do that, you’re probably the kind of person who doesn’t really care what your family thinks anyway, so why bother telling them? Change the subject or tell them to butt out. You don’t have to actually make an announcement that you’re asexual or a hermit.

      • Hoss says:

        Take ur meds please

      • haggis for the soul says:

        Holy cow. There are tons of reasons for not wanting to get married or have children, and to assume that people who make these decisions are antisocial or hate their families is quite the interesting assumption.

        • jesirose says:

          Where did I say she hates her family? Also, she said “relationships”. Not just marry or have kids, but she (I am assuming this is a she) said no relationships at all. That sounds pretty anti-social and asexual to me.

          I was making light of the situation :-P But seriously? You don’t need to “announce” that kind of stuff. She can chill out.

          • Michaela says:

            Not wanting a romantic relationship does not mean someone does not have a social life full of deep bonds with friends. It just means there is no desire to marry someone and have kids.

          • aloria says:

            I am neither antisocial nor asexual, thanks. I have plenty of close friends, I have just no desire for romantic relationships.

            Contrary to your assumptions, I can lack the desire for a boyfriend and still feel annoyed that my relatives won’t get off my back about getting married and making babies. Just because I don’t desire romance doesn’t mean I want to tell all of humanity to go f**k off. Maybe this is weird to you, but I am what I am. It doesn’t make me a sociopath or any less deserving of respect, though.

            • Applekid ┬──┬ ノ( ã‚œ-゜ノ) says:

              I enjoy the misinformation venue. Last year, “human trafficking laws” keep me unwed, the year before was a protest against homosexuals being unable to get married, and before that I was sterile.

              I’m pretty sure I won’t get asked this year. If I do, maybe I’ll try weeping and explaining that she was on a flight from Russia when the TSA decided to take my waifu away and I have to petition the NSA to get her back. Eh, it’s a rough cut. Got four days left to polish it up.

              • pecan 3.14159265 says:

                Forget the story. When someone asks, just break down sobbing and scream “Noooooo, Svetlaaaaanaaaaa!” Through your fake tears, you can watch the shocked look on their face.

                Also, if your family is the kind that enjoys placecards and stuff, you should have a co-conspirator make one for Svetlana. If you exchange gifts, have that co-conspirator bring a gift for Svetlana. Then you can break down again.

      • c!tizen says:

        …but if you were asexual you wouldn’t need a partner to have kids, hence there would be no “problem” to discuss.

    • pecan 3.14159265 says:

      Every few months, my mother brings up children even if the topic had nothing to do with children. She doesn’t seem to understand that we just don’t want any in the near future, and that it bothers the hell out of me that she asks. She goes down the list of our friends and asks “do they have kids?” what about so and so?” And every single time we say, “NO. NO ONE WANTS KIDS.” And she keeps asking. It drives me insane.

      So I’m there with ya, at least on the kids thing.

    • kennedar says:

      Just be happy your not infertile….Not only do you get the “when are there going to be grandchildren” comments, you get them while drugged up on hormones that you just dropped $10,000 for! When you run out of the room crying, people assume your crazy!

      • selianth says:

        I have been considering using this as an actual ploy. I’m not drugged up, but I suspect if I yelled at Uncle Ricky “We’re trying!”, burst into tears, and ran out of the room when he asked me when we’re having kids, everyone would stop asking. But then I’d get the other busy-body aunts and female cousins who have done fertility treatments interrogating me about how it’s going, so maybe not such a good idea….

    • misslisa says:

      A few years ago, some friends and I were talking about how great it is to be approaching 50, what with our wrinkles & graying hair, because people finally stop demanding to know about your plans for marriage & children :) – Of course our parents have all been dead for years so there’s yet another reason we don’t get interrogated…

  5. Blueskylaw says:

    Bill Wilson does not approve.

  6. Kimaroo - 100% Pure Natural Kitteh says:

    Wow.. these people hate most of my favorite drinks. Yay!

    And skim milk in a white russian? That’s just criminal.

    I’m either going to drink it or I’m not, I’m not going to “modify” it so that it’s “healthier”.. Drinking isn’t healthy anyway.

    • jesirose says:

      Agreed. When I drink, I don’t worry about what’s in it or calories. It’s just not worth it. Enjoy it, in moderation, and make sure you drink lots of water, that sort of thing. then the next day when you’re not hung over, eat veggies and hit the gym. :)

    • richcreamerybutter says:

      “skim milk, egg substitute and rum extract” !! The hell?! If faced with that possibility I’ll just stick to wine or vodka, thanks.

    • haggis for the soul says:

      Right. I’d rather have one serving of a full-fat treat that I love than a hundred skinny, half-caf, no-taste “healthy” things. I hate all the fat free, low cal things we’ve come up with just so we can pretend to be healthier while still wanting a constant stream of treats. I think a treat should be exactly that, a treat to be enjoyed occasionally. And if you want to drink high fat drinks 24/7, that’s fine too. Do it and enjoy it. Lets be real.

      • Shadowfax says:

        It’s amazing to me how people managed to drink egg nog for hundreds of years without becoming Jabba the Hutt, yet now no matter how fit you are if you drink one cup you’ll be a jiggling pile of lard by morning.

        Weight loss, healthy lifestyle, etc, is an INDUSTRY, people, and as such they are trying to convince you that horrible things will happen if you don’t pay attention to them (and thereby give them money either directly or through ad views)

  7. richcreamerybutter says:

    Coquito, Puerto Rican eggnog: there are many recipes, but they all involve some combination of sweetened condensed milk, creme of coconut, evaporated milk, and rum (and spices). The recipes including egg yolks (slowly cooked with the milks to at least 165 degrees or tempered into the hot mixture) are best, but they can be omitted in the interest of time for very quick preparation.

    If you prefer a less sweet version, dilute the mixture with some coconut milk or water. As long as you include the main components and generous amount of rum, you can’t really go wrong with the ratio. Basically you’re just combining a bunch of delicious liquids!

    • LatinoGeek says:

      Can anyone share a good Coquito recipe? No one ever shares the recipe. and I’ve had some really good ones and some bad ones.

  8. Chmeeee says:

    What are these people putting in their hot chocolate to get 17 grams of fat? Mother of God. It has about 1 from the package.

    • JennyCupcakes misses her grandson says:

      If you make it with whole milk or cream and use real chocolate instead of cocoa powder or the boxed mix, this drink can easily get that caloric. And downright delicious.

    • Red Cat Linux says:

      Normally, I have the stuff in a packet, and my tastebuds are content. Last week I had the real deal…. real hot chocolate.

      Real chocolate, real milk, whipped cream on top.

      It. Was. Awesome!

      I wouldn’t do that very often though. That’s a heart attack in a cup.

      • MaxH42 thinks RecordStoreToughGuy got a raw deal says:

        If you ever are in Chicago, try to get to XOCO…they make an amazing Mexican hot chocolate. SO worth it.

    • Applekid ┬──┬ ノ( ã‚œ-゜ノ) says:

      Even from the powder, hot chocolate just didn’t taste like hot chocolate to me without a pat of butter added to the mug before pouring.

      • Willow16 says:

        I’ll have to try this. I make my own hot chocolate (not the packets) and this sounds like a good addition to it.

    • aloria says:

      I’ve heard that people exploring the North Pole make hot chocolate with butter because they burn off so many calories just trying to stay warm. That sounds like just about the grossest thing ever, though.

      • pecan 3.14159265 says:

        It does sound like the grossest thing in the world, but it makes sense. It just takes so much energy to be at the North Pole. You have to haul stuff around, drive extremely heavy equipment, all while fighting heavy winds, snow, and cold.

  9. Kestris says:

    I’ll stick with my usual egg nog cut with milk and spiced rum, topped with ice, thank you very much.

    I’ll need it after dealing with the Inlaws for 6 days straight.

  10. Beeker26 says:

    So ridiculous. It’s once a year. A few glasses of full-fat egg nog or other cocktail ain’t gonna kill you.

    If you don’t put on any weight over the holidays you’re doing it wrong.

  11. dadelus says:

    Of course questions along the line of “So, you’re still single?” don’t stop once you get married. My wife and I have to deal with the “So, when are you having kids?” from some nosey relative most years. :(

    • aloria says:

      Then if you have a kid, relatives will start hounding you to produce a sibling because apparently allowing she/he to remain an only child is cruel and unusual.

      And if the second child is the same child as the first, they’ll start asking you if you plan to try for one of the opposite gender.

      Honestly, I think the only way to win the offspring game is to have two opposite-gendered twins.

      • dadelus says:

        We’ve been tempted to loudly announce, the next time the question is asked, that if everyone is so interested in our sex lives that we could provide everyone with a video, but some of my relatives are smartasses too and I’m afraid they would call our bluff. :)

        Or we’ve thought of putting an end to it a darker way by having my wife run off “crying” the next time the question is asked which would prompt me to explain to everyone that she just had a miscarriage.

        We have plenty of ideas, but none we’re willing to put into practice. :)

        • TWSS says:

          Or you could just be an adult and respond the way many etiquette experts advise, with “Why would you ask that?” and a polite brush-off.

          • JulesNoctambule says:

            Unfortunately, that’s far too subtle for a lot of people. To be certain that they’ll be shamed by the polite brush-off assumes they have some social niceties with which to start!

          • pecan 3.14159265 says:

            The people who ask over and over are far too dense to recognize when you just don’t want to talk about it.

            They’re not being an adult, why should I? I’m tired of being belittled when I tell people I don’t want kids. They look at me with this wink, like they know I’ll eventually succumb to motherhood and I’m holding out to be trendy or feministic. It pisses me off – goddamit, If I don’t want kids, I shouldn’t have to a) explain why and b) justify to some relative why I don’t want any.

  12. thekevinmonster says:

    Did you know that you can take a hot dog, but make it out of TVP instead, and it’s like way healthier for you? Except then it’s NOT A HOT DOG ANY MORE.

    Also, you can cut your lettuce leaf into 30 pieces when you’re eating it!

    Eating mcdonald’s every day -> probably not good for you. Eating a holiday meal -> probably not bad for you in the whole scheme of things.

  13. HogwartsProfessor says:

    Screw that. It’s Christmas, and I’m drinking as much egg nog as I want!!!!

  14. neilb says:

    Once again, thanks for promoting the myth that fat is bad and sugar is not!
    Good golly, I would love for one of these pseudo-scientific articles to cite the freaking crazy amount of sugar instead of the fat. Seriously, were these written in the 1960s?
    Even in this summary where sugar is cited as an evil, it is not given the headline that fat is!

    • truk77 says:

      Glad somebody came out and said this. Course, most of those drinks are loaded with sugar too, so they’re still not healthy, but it isn’t the cream you should worry about.

    • stranger than fiction says:

      Seriously… and cutting the fat just railroads the sugar straight into your bloodstream.

  15. RadarOReally has got the Post-Vacation Blues says:

    “If you do need to get your nog on, she suggests using skim milk, egg substitute and rum extract.”

    Maybe we should go one better and use powdered coffee “whitener”, water, yellow food coloring and kerosene…

  16. TheGreySpectre says:

    Your drinking alcohol. It’s not good for you in the first place, so either drink your drinks and enjoy them or don’t drink. Making a white Russian with evaporated skim milk doesn’t make it healthy.

  17. MaxH42 thinks RecordStoreToughGuy got a raw deal says:

    The Dude cannot abide by evaporated skim milk in his White Russian.

  18. The Best of Times says:

    I feel compelled to add a comment on this topic. :-)

    My Melkmug keeps me sane.

    I am getting up there in years and try to eat healthy and all that jazz during the rest of the year. Unfortunately, the holidays cause me great stress on all fronts.

    Yes, my job stress goes up. Yes, the relatives stress me out. Yes, my family even causes me stress.

    I think there is no doubt that drinking during the holidays is a habit for many of us. Is there any doubt why we do it? I do it in true over the top style. I drink eggnog at will in my moose cup. It is my guilty pleasure. Sure, it might be childish and definately immature but somtimes I like acting like a kid.

    Now if you will excuse me I am going to plug in my Sega Dreramcast and have an eggnog.

  19. Wang_Chung_Tonight says:

    “Yes, because nothing says Christmas With The Dude like evaporated skim milk.”

    agreed. TRAVESTY!!!

  20. JulesNoctambule says:

    We’ve gone through a gallon of local-dairy eggnog in two weeks so far! I’ll be picking up another this week. To hell with the calories — it’s once a year!

  21. Not Given says:

    I used run extract in candy, once. It smelled like acetone. I made the other batches of candy with real rum.

  22. yagisencho says:

    I mix my rum and eggnog 1:1, so I’d probably pass out before reaching their suggest serving size. Half a cup per evening is plenty.

  23. PatrickPortland says:

    This is an excellent eggnog recipe, but I double (plus a bit more) the booze to cut the viscosity a bit:

    It makes around a gallon, though, so be sure to have appropriate size vessels ready. I skipped the punchbowl approach, since I was serving it over two days, so I dumped it into a few empty brandy bottles for easy storage and serving.

    It’s rich, fatty, and absolutely delicious.

    I did the math – the batch is 4500 calories, and has 155 grams of fat. The 3.5lb 9″ cheesecake that I made earlier that day was 7,000 calories and had 475 grams of fat. Drinking my eggnog while eating my cheesecake should be against the law.

  24. Toffeemama is looking for a few good Otters says:

    I’m finally not pregnant for the holidays, but my family just moved halfway across the country, and all my in-laws believe that alcohol is the devil. Plus, we just started a name-drawing for giving gifts this year, and my husband’s mother is resisting it full-force. Things are going to get seriously awkward.

  25. AT203 says:

    I haven’ done an official calorie/fat comparison, but my intuition is that soy egg-nog would be less calorie/fat than actual egg-nog. I drink soy milk, and so I drink soy egg-nog. It isnt’ as think of actual egg-nog, but if you’re looking to make some boozy low-cal egg-nog it might be worth looking into. Holiday cheers!

  26. pittstonjoma says:

    The hell with rum extract. I want real rum.

  27. Smultronstallet says:

    Drink Silk Nog instead of egg nog. Half a cup has 90 calories, 2 grams of fat total, no saturated fat, and no cholesterol. Half a cup of Southern Comfort eggnog has 200 calories, 9 grams of fat, of which 5 are saturated, and 65 mg of cholesterol. It’s healthier and surprisingly tasty!

  28. schdav says:

    what? no mention of the tom and jerry?