Celebrate The Imminent Return Of Jesus With 50% Off All Jewelry

When the End Times come, all world economies will collapse, leaving the unlucky survivors to barter for their survival. Precious metals and gems will be very popular. That’s probably why this jewelry store in the Midwest took out local TV ads promoting their “Second Coming Sale” with 50% off all merchandise. It’s not even close to Easter yet!

In case you’re reading this somewhere without speakers or Flash, here’s a partial transcript of the ad.


Did you know the Bible predicts the day of the Lord, followed by the return of Jesus Christ to Jerusalem? As I read the daily news and look around the world, I believe we’re really close to that day. Nonetheless, here and now, if you want jewelry, I have access to millions. Diamonds and gemstones, gold, silver, watches and clocks, and I’m selling everything at 50% off, giving you unbelievable savings.

One local blogger noticed that the last time Google Street View visited the store’s neighborhood, they were having a retirement sale.

Whether it’s entirely sincere or a cynical ploy, you’ve got to admit: you certainly paid attention to the second half of the ad.

The Second Coming Sale [YouTube] (Thanks, Craig!)
End times bad for jewelry business? Have a sale [Northword]


Edit Your Comment

  1. Mr. Fix-It says: "Canadian Bacon is best bacon!" says:

    I think this deserves a Flat What.

  2. HoJu says:

    Sounds like someone got a Facebook chat message at :25.

  3. FatLynn says:

    Huh, all this time I thought Jews controlled the jewelery markets.

  4. Scuba Steve says:

    So thats the reason Glen Beck says to put all your money in Gold…

  5. rpm773 says:

    Did you know the Bible predicts the day of the Lord, followed by the return of Jesus Christ to Jerusalem?

    Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come. – Matthew 24:42

    I start every day expecting Jesus to show up.

    I’m doing my part.

    • RandomHookup says:

      Jesus comes once a week at my house. He and Ahmed cut the grass and trim the trees.

    • magus_melchior says:

      I wonder if anyone else sees the irony in this guy offering jewelry for money he allegedly thinks will become worthless?

      If he were one of those folks who think they’ll be raptured imminently, he wouldn’t sell the jewelry, as money is useless in heaven.

      If he knows his community will fall for a cheap trick like “buy my jewelry to barter with!”, well, he may be a bit smarter than his community… but only just a bit.

  6. Blueskylaw says:

    And with jewelry at 50% off, you can afford to look good for your maker.

  7. Angus99 says:

    No way would Jesus pay retail.

  8. Cheap Sniveler: Sponsored by JustAnswer.comâ„¢ says:

    When the end time comes, I will trade you ONE jar of my homegrown peaches for all your worthless gold and diamonds.

    Thank you very much. Come again!

    • A.Mercer says:

      I am reminded of a quote from Gremlins 2: The New Batch.

      Well, it’s rather brutal here. Right now we are advising all our clients to put everything they’ve got into canned food and shotguns.

      I have always wondered what the reasoning behind the gold and diamonds being the only currency if society collapses. Sure, back in ancient times gold and diamonds were very valuable but only to societies that had plenty of food and a way to defend themselves.

  9. Alex says:

    This is interesting to me.

    Say…I think I am christian. The rapture would mean I am not around to enjoy the benefits of any jewelry I purchase.

    Say…I think I am not christian. Then I will probably have bigger problems to address, than whether I have jewelry on hand to look good and barter for things. Little problems like…armageddon…the anti-christ…judgment day and hellfire for all! Stuff like dat.

    • lucky13 says:

      If you’re not a Christian, you probably KNOW (rather than think), but more importantly, you probably don’t believe in those “bigger problems” like armageddon, judgement day, etc.

      Unless, of course, you’re one of those Christians that thinks everyone else MUST believe all that stuff in the bible.

      As an anti-religion type, I would personally welcome the rapture – let all the true believers go to heaven (or wherever) and leave me alone!

  10. Cheap Sniveler: Sponsored by JustAnswer.comâ„¢ says:

    Cheap Sniveler states:
    Jesus would not buy jewelery.

  11. ZacharyTF says:

    I would like to thank this guy for reinforcing the notion that all people between the coasts are nutbags who cling to their religion and guns.

    • Evil_Otto would rather pay taxes than make someone else rich says:

      If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like… oh you get the point.

  12. Thornhill says:

    Darn. I was hoping it was a sale so spectacular it’d give me multiple orgasms.

  13. edcrowle says:

    i guess if you’re not going to be meeting God in the sky, you gotta look good for the weeping and gnashing of teeth.

  14. ElizabethD says:

    Note to potential customers: You can’t take it with you.

  15. Fubish says: I don't know anything about it, but it seems to me... says:

    Jesus is coming! Everybody look busy!

  16. Talisker says:

    So if the guy thinks that the Second Coming is imminent, why is he exchanging gold and jewels for cash?

  17. Winteridge2 says:

    I am taking all of my gold, jewels, and paper money with me! Maybe next they should have a GOING OUT (for) BUSINESS! Sale.

  18. marc6065 says:

    You really need to be dressed at your best to get into heavan?????????

  19. EmanNeercs says:

    Why waste my money now? If I just wait till the rapture, I can go out and take what I want :D Of course…that’s assuming all the ‘good christians’ really are good christians.

  20. EmanNeercs says:

    Why waste my money now? If I just wait till the rapture, I can go out and take what I want :D Of course…that’s assuming all the ‘good christians’ really are good christians.

  21. JohnCan says:

    This guy should read the part of the Bible where Jesus thrashed the money changers, kicked over their tables and chased them out of the temple.

  22. Johnny Longtorso says:

    Yeah, but you have to have a barcode on your right hand or forehead to pay for any of the stuff.