Aw, get a load of that smile. That’s my 3-month-old daughter, Emma, whom I found out has been sleeping in a wooden minefield rather than a crib.

In Cooperation with the the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Administration, Jardine Enterprises recalled Emma’s crib on April 30 because:

CPSC has received 31 incident reports of slats breaking, including two reports of children becoming entrapped in the gap created by the broken slat on the crib models identified below. In 10 of these incidents, consumers reported that their child broke the slat while in the crib. There was one report of minor injuries (bumps and abrasions.)

Emma’s 2-year-old brother Luke slept in that crib for more than a year and emerged bump and abrasion free. But that was long before the recall, and good parents don’t let their kids sleep in recalled cribs, right?

So I filled out an online form and entered the serial number to get a voucher for a new crib that won’t maim my little baby. Wednesday I received a FedEx envelope with an info packet and return envelope telling me what I needed to do to get a new one: Disassemble the crib, remove the labels with the model number and date of manufacture and FedEx Jardine the screws and labels.

Yes, they’re demanding the freaking screws.

I guess Jardine figures Emma should sleep on the floor while I wait for my new crib voucher. Or maybe the process is so rigorous in order to screen out all those black-market crib-hawkers you find on street corners. Those rascally speculators, always buying baby beds they expect to be recalled in order to score replacements for free.

Donald Mays, Senior Director of Product Safety and Technical Policy for Consumers Union, said Jardine’s recall hoops are unusual. He pointed out a Consumer Reports blog post with a helpful comment thread that suggested taking advantage of the Toys R’ Us/Babies R’ Us recall policy, which cuts out all the screwing. I called a Tucson Babies R Us and confirmed that I’d get store credit if I returned the defective crib, with or without a receipt.

One commenter said that Babies R’ Us would give you a refund if you bring in a receipt or a crib, but the manager I talked to said that wasn’t the case. You’re not getting a new crib unless you return the old one.

Next on my to-do list: Develop the super-human strength it takes to lift an entire crib into my truck.

Jardine Cribs recall [U.S. Consumer Product Safety Administration]

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