Want Safe Skies? Strap This Remote-Controlled Stun Device To Yourself!

Make of this what you will, as the story comes from the Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s church-owned Washington Times and may be more fiction than fact, but “a senior government official with the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has expressed great interest in a so-called safety bracelet that would serve as a stun device, similar to that of a police Taser.” Yes, the EMD Safety Bracelet from Lamperd Less Lethal is designed to make flying a fun experience once again. Just check out everything it can do:

  • Take the place of an airline boarding pass.
  • Contain personal information about the traveler.
  • Be able to monitor the whereabouts of each passenger and his/her luggage.
  • Shock the wearer on command, completely immobilizing him/her for several minutes.

Lamperd Less Lethal—oddly, that name doesn’t make us confident about either the effectiveness or the safety of their products—has an entertaining instructional video on their site that explains why this is such a great idea. It opens with footage of the planes hitting the WTC towers, just in case you’ve forgotten, then describes how all the current solutions are ineffective—biometrics can’t spot “new” terrorists who aren’t in the database, Air Marshalls can inflict friendly fire on nearby passengers, etc. But they’ve got an answer in the EMD Safety Bracelet! Check out these handy graphics if you don’t believe them:

Okay, we doctored that last one, but you know there’d be a technical glitch at some point that turns everyone on the manifest into a herky-jerky bag of twitching muscles. Pretzels everywhere! Plastic drink cups flying! You have to admit, it’d be funny to see (so long as your own EMD Safety Bracelet didn’t go off at the same time.)

Lamperd Less Lethal insists that this is a great idea, and that passengers won’t mind being figuratively collared like slaves out of a bad sci-fi movie:

Wearing an EMD safety bracelet for a few hours during a flight is a small inconvenience to ensure their safe arrival…many if not most passengers would happily opt for the extra security of the EMD safety bracelet.

We’ll admit, it would certainly make it easier for flight attendants to take care of drunks, fashion victims, unruly children, and the occasional masturbator. But if DHS wants to take security this far, why not just anesthetize passengers and load us up on gurneys, where we’ll remain blissfully unconscious as we’re shipped like freight across the globe? It would be more dignified than wearing a stun bracelet.

“Want some torture with your peanuts?” [Washington Times] (Thanks to Capt Janeway!)
EMD Safety Bracelet video [Lamperd Less Lethal]