13 Headlines The Consumerist Editors Wish They Could Write

Here at the Consumerist we get a lot of emails requesting more “happy stories.” While we wait for some to happen, here are 13 headlines we would love to write. They are in no particular order.

  • Sears Repairman Buys A Calendar, Looks At It
  • Record High Personal Savings Rate Imperils Credit Card Industry Profits
  • Person With Consumer Protection Background To Run CPSC
  • Best Buy Geek Squad Replaces Your Current Porn With New, Better Porn
  • Company Responds To Website’s Fact-Checking Inquiry With Speed And Accuracy
  • Do American Airlines’ New Complimentary Hot Fudge Sundaes Come With Too Many Sprinkles?
  • Wal-Mart Receipt Checker Shrugs Shoulders, Says, Yeah, We Know It’s Total Bullshit Anyway
  • CSRS Complain About Hold Times To Speak With Busy Customers
  • Newspaper Wire Service Quotes Consumer News Blog By Name
  • Finally Accepting Reality, Microsoft Debuts “Refurbished XBOX 360 Of The Month Club”
  • Sprint To Pay Canceling Customers $50 “Sorry We Disappointed You” Refund
  • “Help! I Signed Up For FiOS And Verizon Sent Me Too Many Free LCD TVs!”
  • Payday Lenders Close Due To Lack Of Interest

(Photo: El Grande Mono )


Edit Your Comment

  1. B says:

    Guns, Ammo, and model trains? Where is this magical store, and when are they open?

  2. Bladefist says:

    “Bladefist realizes his icon is lame”

  3. quixiotic says:

    “Comcast says ‘We’ve made enough money, free uninhibited internet with a $15 premium cable package'”

  4. evslin says:

    “Comcast van avoids hitting houses and people, reaches destination safely and between 8am-12pm as promised”

  5. reallymadcow says:

    “Comcast is on-time for appointment and is able to fix problem”

  6. mike says:

    “Market rebounds after consumers learn lesson on credit/debt. In other news, banks being foreclosed by bigger banks due to delinquency.”

  7. crabbyman6 says:

    @B: If only they had fireworks too.

  8. battra92 says:

    Best Buy Geek Squad Replaces Your Current Porn With New, Better Porn

    Hmm, I’d like to know how that’s possible. I mean, what can you improve?

  9. zentex says:

    @B: I want to know the same thing!

  10. RBecho says:

    @battra92: @zentex: The improvement should be “more”

  11. azntg says:

    “Commenters blaming the OP at an all time low at the Consumerist!”

  12. notallcompaniesareevil says:

    “Payday Lenders Close Due To Lack Of Interest”
    I know it wasn’t what you were going for, but I appreciate that there is a recognition that these companies actually do provide a service and that people want to use them.

    I love the one about the sprinkles. Definitely made me laugh, but aren’t sprinkles a terrorist weapon or something? They would be if there were too many on an airplane, at least according to the TSA.

  13. notallcompaniesareevil says:

    @zentex: It’s in Spokane, WA: [www.flickr.com]

  14. SexierThanJesus says:

    “Grocery Embiggening Ray Hits Ice Cream, Beer, Condoms”

  15. theblackdog says:

    Citing causing an economic imbalance, Wal-Mart decides not to build a super center in Small Town USA.

  16. B1663R says:

    “BofA voted best bank” is a nice addition.
    “WaMu CEO fesses up and apologizes”

    and my new favorite… “U-haul trucks are now safer than volvos. in celebration, u-haul offers discount on surplus trucks”

    yep, u-haul has too many safe trucks and they are passing the savings on to you!!

  17. shulkman says:

    @B- This magical store is in Spokane, WA. It’s called “The White Elephant”. It’s just one of those “we have a little of everything” stores, with it’s main focus on sporting goods.

  18. B1663R says:

    “Bush resigns!” is a nice one too… that’s all folks!

  19. Chairman-Meow says:

    “Last remaining Walmart* closes its doors forever”

    (Ok, I’m already hating the asterisk)

  20. AndrewJC says:

    @battra92: Well, if it’s new, then obviously it’s better because you haven’t seen it yet. :)

  21. @B1663R: I think you missed the point by like, this much…

    Also, stfu.

  22. mac-phisto says:

    not to ruin the fun, but if most of these “headlines” actually did exist, wouldn’t that be a bad thing?

    stories are newsworthy b/c they are out-of-norm. deep down, we all know that many sears repairman know how to look at a calendar & make their appointments – the fact that those who miss their appointment become “newsworthy” assumes that it’s a rare or unique occurrence that doesn’t meet our expectations.

    if the norm was that every repairman always missed their appointments, then the on-time repairman becomes the news (kind of like with cable – holy shit! you said you’d show up at 9:00am & you did). so, in effect, writing many of these stories would indicate that our power & expectations as consumers is even worse than it is now.

    it does make some regular comments seem pretty hilarious under the circumstances. for your BB story: that’s what the OP gets for shopping at best buy!

    & just for the record, my AA hot fudge sundae not only had extra jimmies, but it was also served with three cherries & a smile.

  23. Scoobatz says:

    “Al Gore apologies for Global Warming prank gone on too long.”

  24. Darren W. says:

    “Ron Paul wins presidential race by a landslide, bringing about half of the “headlines we would love to write” through responsible fiscal policy!”

    *Ducks for cover*

  25. famousmortimer78 says:

    @shulkman: Wooooooo Spokane!
    I smiled when I saw the banner pic.

    How about:

    “Last remaining RIAA lawyer dies in captivity”
    “Steve Jobs blames poor 4th quarter on ‘lack of hype'”
    “Printer ink now cheaper than gasoline”

  26. AaronZ says:

    I though ‘what!? no Comcast headlines?’ Then the commenters made up for it.

    My ideal headline would be: “Companies realize the actually need customers. Begin treating them accordingly.”

  27. Imaginary_Friend says:

    You forgot some:

    Awesome CEO Club re-invests bloated salaries back into companies to make better products & save customers money.

    Costco buys Microsoft, Adobe, Walmart, and Sears. New “Maws” stores will sell whatever you want at fair prices and deliver free.

    Amazon hires new Packaging Director; rainforest saved.

    Class action plaintiffs win record setting damages against Tickmaster, RIAA, & MPAA. Settlement: Free music, concerts, & movies for life for every person on earth; lawyers get coupon for one free Beyonce or Rolling Stones T-shirt.

    Best Buy and Countrywide CEO fight to the death in cage match sponsored by DirecTV. FCC imposes no fines after broadcast, claims the “goatse” was unintentional and children should not have been watching anyway.

  28. Sherryness says:

    “Bank of America’s Free Checking is really free!”

  29. “Subtle humor in story recognized by all? Trolls uncommonly quiet.”

  30. timmus says:

    Granted, most of this stuff would happen if it was 1999, with the boom economy and all.

  31. Mike8813 says:

    @shulkman: That’s right, White Elephant! I was racking my brain trying to remember what that was, as I lived there for a year before moving in April.

    I saw it off my left every time I drove to the bar to watch the Dolphins game! (Bad memories)

  32. Alexander says:

    Don’t lie Consumerist, you know you love writing your tabloid-like headlines.

    “Best Buy gives you brick instead of hard drive. Kicks you in the nuts”

    “Morning Deals”
    Best Buy – $100 Hard Drive! Run, don’t walk!

  33. bobfromboston says:

    “Consumerist actually checks out the facts of a story before publishing it”

  34. drjayphd says:

    @Captain_Collide: Oh, he’s just hoping the Brewers front office locks up their rotation, or at least overpays for some guy that might be bound for the bullpen.

    Also, he thinks this is Deadspin. Shhh… can’t spoil the illusion.

  35. battra92 says:

    @Scoobatz: Haha! I’d love to see that since it’s so true.

    @AndrewJC: True, or if it had > and where the girl > and then used her > and > her >

    Giggity Giggity, All right. ;)

  36. battra92 says:

    @battra92: Aww darn, my “Censored” exclamations somehow disappeared.

  37. ManiacDan says:

    Payday lenders close due to lack of INTEREST. Ironic pun targeted at recent payday lending legislation? Or just…you know…me reading too hard.

  38. Meg Marco says:

    @ManiacDan: pun

  39. Lyrai says:

    @B: I believe that that’s White Elephant Toys, which is right down the street from me. It’s weird to see a place you drive by every day on the Consumerist.

  40. kingoftheroad40 says:

    George W Bush indicted for war crimes and treason for numerous violations of the Constitution

  41. INsano says:

    How about:

    Japanese car makers struggle to compete with emission-free U.S. autos?

    China takes yet another IMF loan to fund its populations want of U.S. imports.

    Public pillory approved for all beneficiaries of shoddy mortgage and lending practices, skeezy, overpaid CEOs and those who think drilling offshore and in Alaska will ameliorate current U.S. gas prices.

    Microsoft agrees not to release any further OS software.

    Excess windfarm energy sold to Canada and Mexico halves national debt in a 3 year period.

    Lockheed Martin quits war business, decides to try to trump the Oreo cookie instead.

    Blizzard decides to release a game early.

    U.S. soccer team tops brazil for its 3rd consecutive world cup.

    Scandinavian conference in Chicago seeks to study U.S. health system as a model of world health care.

    Non-fiction continue to outsell the latest Halo series.

  42. kingoftheroad40 says:

    The supreme court rules health care is a constitutional right

    and supreme court rules drug testing is unconstitutional what you put in your body is your business

  43. varro says:

    Lufthansa Buys United; Vows to Upgrade Service, Eliminate Bag Fees

    Countrywide CEO Dies of Skin Cancer

    B of A Posts Loss; Consumer Dissatisfaction With Fees Blamed

    Looking For A Mortgage? Bring Your Tax Return and Pay Stubs!

  44. “Obama rejects Big Oil conspiracies, explains supply and demand to supporters”

  45. Bladefist says:

    @AtomicPlayboy: “Trai_dep smiles”

  46. etinterrapax says:

    “Company Rewards Loyal Customers With Discounts, Premium Service, Free New Equipment”

  47. Tzepish says:

    Can’t wait to see the blaming the OP crowd on this one. “Gosh Meg, you should have… um… not… live in a world with such…. crappy companies?”

  48. RedSonSuperDave says:

    “New law makes “Golden Parachute” a literal reality”

  49. @Tzepish: Yeah, good call.

    “Original poster not bombarded with useless, insulting commentary”

    “Article comments offer insight, humor, perspective, not ‘FTW!'”

  50. @AtomicPlayboy: “McCain (and Ron Paul) announce their retirements, plan to spend golden years playing golf”

  51. Bladefist says:

    @Michael Belisle: Why? 71 one is the new 30.

  52. Bladefist says:

    @Bladefist: Learn to talk.

  53. @Bladefist: Apparently. Just look at Mugabe, an 84-year-old clinging to power with the vigor of dictators half his age.

  54. trujunglist says:

    The sprinkles one made me laugh so hard I nearly choked on my own spit. Here’s one from me:

    “AT&T Wiretaps Government Offices, Accountability Discovered”

  55. sean77 says:

    @B: not as good as this famous sign:


  56. MageSeer says:

    I’ve got a headline I’d love to see: “Consumerist.com stops exagerating their headlines. Maintains Journalistic Integrity.”

  57. PølάrβǽЯ says:

    @notallcompaniesareevil: “@zentex: It’s in Spokane, WA:”

    Indeed it is, just East of Pines Rd. on Sprague Ave. The store is called “The White Elephant.”

  58. MoogleLally says:

    Wow, like everyone and their brother beat me to explaining the pic… I loved White Elephant growing up! Still weird to me to see Spokane mentioned anywhere!

  59. @notallcompaniesareevil: OMG, you’re a shill that actually puts your shillhood right in your username…that’s awesome! I wish ALL the shills did that.

    Anyway, to answer your “point” (man, I wish I could make those quotes bigger), all perpetrators of fraud have customers. Just because you can con people into using your service doesn’t mean you have a valid or valuable service — it might, as in the case of payday lenders, mean that you’re preying on the poor and desperate, and that you’re managing to successfully hide your %500+ interest rates successfully. Neither are very good defenses for continuing to allow those places to exist, now, are they?

    Also, @INsano ~ you are a genius. ;)

  60. Pilam69 says:

    Let’s hear it for the White Elephant. Big shout out to Spovegas Washington.

    God I love that store.

  61. mstarot says:

    Donald Trump IS Fired!!!

    Banks lower interest on mortgages, raise interest on savings accounts & resumes those free toasters and/or luggage sets with any $50 deposit in a checking account! And No annoying ChexSystems report!